You know that moment mid-argument when you think, “Haven’t we had this exact fight before?” The same tone, the same roles, the same ending where both of you feel unseen. Every couple has a signature loop—what emotionally focused therapy calls a negative cycle.

In this episode, Dr. Rachel Orleck breaks down the three most common fight loops from EFT—Find the Bad Guy, The Protest Polka, and Freeze and Flee—and explains why they all share one thing in common: when love feels shaky, your nervous system trades connection for protection.

Learn how to recognize your own pattern, understand what your reactions are really protecting, and start practicing small, nervous-system-safe interruptions that stop the spiral before it takes over.

Rachel also introduces her grounding tool, Pause, Name, and Soften, a simple three-step practice to help you shift from reactivity to reconnection.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in the same argument on repeat, this episode will help you see your cycle clearly—and start changing it for good.

1. Why couples repeat the same fight over and over
2. The 3 negative cycles: Find the Bad Guy, Protest Polka, Freeze & Flee
3. How the nervous system drives conflict patterns
4. Why “communication problems” are really protection problems
5. How to interrupt the loop using Pause, Name, and Soften
6. What co-regulation looks like in real-time repair

Resources

1. Free Course | Break the Cycle: A self-paced introduction to understanding your patterns and nervous system responses.
2. Private Coaching (Limited Availability): High-touch, individualized support for deep relational pattern change.
3. The Attachment Revolution Membership — Waitlist: Ongoing education, tools, and live support for building more secure relationships.
4. Meaningful Journey Counseling (WA residents only): Licensed therapy services for individuals and couples in Washington State.

Disclaimer

This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for mental health treatment, therapy, diagnosis, or medical advice. Listening to this podcast does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing significant distress, please seek support from a licensed mental health professional or medical provider.