Can a Cow Moo Diabolically? – tRN178

05.22.2014 - By the Ramen Noodle clean comedy


How to sound like a connoisseur of anything, the “Let It Go” parody to end all Frozen parodies, and “Two guys talking, podcast in audio.” Fake sponsor Secondhand Woot Cakes: round, juicy, and grilled to delicious perfection—and we would know because no Woot Cake leaves the factory without first being tasted by a licensed consumer. Try secondhand Woot Cakes at your local K-Mart, Ollie’s Bargain Outlet, and Goodwill. Random Noodle Updates Daniel: Jenny started cleaning her hears while I was applying lip balm and I realized we could save a step. Received SMS to feedback line, “Help I can’t hear a thing.” Jeremy “four parallel lines, graphite on paper” Feedback John Bukenas suggested the “Let It Go” parody to possibly end all  parodies? Thanks for the iTunes reviews! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


Great Big Sweater Gods – tRN203

Happy Thanksgiving to all the black nails, black Fridays, long-haired hippies, and other racist-Friday shoppers with their ugly Christmas sweaters! Fake sponsor BLACK “FLYDAY”! THE TIME OF YEAR YOU START TO BE THANKFUL UNTIL YOU NEED THAT WAFFLE IRON AND YOU’LL KILL FOR IT! Random Noodle Updates Daniel gave a hair and nails update. Jenny shared a special story, inspired by Strongbad’s “Everybody to the Limit“: Once upon a time, there were two fawns named Moop and Mortimer. Moop was a Parkle fawn, and Mortimer was a Frickle fawn. They were best friends, and both were on a pilgrimage to the shrine of the Great Big Sweater gods where they would offer their sacrifices of fresh peach fuzz. Equipped with their razors and peaches, Moop and Mortimer set off toward the forest of the song monkeys to get there. They clip-clopped into the shade of the first bubblegum tree armed with a music box and a singing Princess Petunia doll. A squeeze bottle of ketchup was produced from Mortimer’s pack for tracking their way. Mortimer wound the key on his music box, and Moop readied his finger on Princess Petunia’s belly button. Both were listening for the sound of song monkeys. As the ketchup sputtered out of the bottle, Mortimer was carefully avoiding the largest and loudest bubblegum wrappers that had fallen off the trees and were now scattered across the forest floor. Moop however was noisily crunching over them, holding Princess Petunia at arm’s length with both his thumbs firmly placed on the doll’s belly button. Crunch-clip crunch-clop. They went deeper into the forest listening cautiously. As they neared the heart of the forest, the sound of a beating drum grew louder with each crunchy step. At least a dozen song monkeys grinned at the pair of fawns now below them. Moop and Mortimer were straining hard now to listen for the sound of an approach over the bang of the drum. They paused at the distant sound of a wail. Suddenly there was a shocking sound of screeching from directly behind them. Mortimer startled and spun around. Moop jumped and pressed his thumbs with all his might into Princess Petunia’s belly button, and he threw her in the direction of the screeching, but without much accuracy because his eyes were shut tightly. Moop stood, covering his ears while Mortimer watched Princess Petunia land. the screeching stopped just in time for Moop and Mortimer to hear the dying sound of Princess Petunia’s batteries die mid-song. the silence lasted for only a moment before the monkeys sprang from the trees. The screeching resumed as Mortimer opened the lid of his music box. the closest monkeys halted to examine the tiny ballerina turn on her little spring. A plunky melody played. Mortimer set the box down. The monkeys listened as the two fawns crept away. On the edge of the forest now, Mortimer capped his ketchup and put it back into his pack. the two started their ascent up the mountain to shave their peaches before the shrine of their beloved Great Big Sweater gods. Thanks for the iTunes reviews! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


Release Mommy Duck – tRN197

Tragedy at Goasis, tragedy at home, hot-pepper orchestra, Natalie Portman, and Feliz Navidad! Random Noodle Updates Daniel’s new job is The Butler, and he done it. Jeremy loses things in amazing public restrooms, like Goasis. Feedback  Hey guys, I have a funny story you guys would probably like. I have two birds, dinkleman the parakeet, and Nigel the cockatiel. They are both really weird. I’ll start with Nigel. You see, he really likes feet. Like a lot. It’s actually really creepy. He’ll come up to my feet and start talking and singing, all the while twirling in circles. So just picture a bird rubbing its head on a foot while twirling in circles and whistling the drunken sailor tune. Pretty weird. Anyway, dinkleman is not only weird, but really creepy. He has this cage with a clear base, and it has a ladder that goes all the way up his cage. Whatever level I’m at, like laying on my bed, sitting, or standing, he is at my eye level, staring at me. He will even move when I do, and will just stare at me. It’s really stalkerish. … Thanks for the podcasts!  Averie Noodles in the News The Danish National Chamber Orchestra was crying while playing a piece by Jacobe Gade.  The article states that “classical music is known to move listeners and bring them to tears, members of the orchestra were tearing up for a reason that you wouldn’t expect.”  Online video maker Chili Klaus films people eating hot peppers, so he brought some to the concert.  Before each movement, each player would pop a chili into their mouths.  “The musicians kept on playing while trying to keep their composure, with a few of them grimacing, tearing up, and coughing. Despite the discomfort brought by the chili peppers, the orchestra continued to play and finished “Tango Jalousie” up to the last note.” Their performance was on fire. Mikz from NickzAndMikz on YouTube What do you think “Feliz Navidad” sounds like they’re singing? Thanks for the iTunes reviews! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


Smell My Pancakes – tRN196

Get ready for Christmas with our last clean-comedy podcast of the year! Fake sponsor: Chocobasco Are you a man’s man who wants to enjoy chocolate without sacrificing any manliness? CHOCOBASCO! Chocobasco combines a smooth, chocolate shell WITH THE RAGING BURN OF TABASCO. When you want chocolate without criticism, EAT CHOCOBASCO. Random Noodle Updates Daniel’s hair is making him look forward to baldness. How to make hot cocoa more manly. Pre-washed pancakes (remember the washed chicken from episode 13?). The taste of Egg nog of dog. Jeremy was reminded of Creepy Crawlers: Feedback I thought I heard a song about Jesus on a TV commercial. I got excited and looked up. They weren’t singing about Jesus. It was a commercial for Chuck E CHEESE’S. —Kyra   My Dad owns a restaurant, and I help there sometimes when I’m off of school. One of the things I help with is passing out flyers, or putting them on the windshields of cars. One day, I was walking downtown putting flyers on car windshields, I had already leaned over and had my hand on the windshield when I noticed that there was a guy sitting in the car! I was so scared! The first rule of putting flyers on windshields is not to make direct contact with the person who owns the car. But then I saw that he was on his phone and didn’t notice me. Then, feeling like a stalker, I snuck around to the other side of the car to see what he was doing, HE WAS PLAYING CANDY CRUSH SAGA! Seriously, this guy was SO engrossed in his phone that he did not notice someone sneaking up and putting a flyer on his windshield, or looking through the window over his shoulder. —Brooklyn ## Amazoning Noodle Make this your only stock and store By Edgar on July 8, 2008 Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts ‘N Honey, With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door. ‘Bad condensor, that,’ I muttered, ‘vibrating the icebox door – Only this, and nothing more.’Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer, I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor. Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle, Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore – Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore – Purg’ed here for evermore.And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before, So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing, I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door – Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door – I resolved to have some more. Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, ‘This,’ said I, ‘requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.’ To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire How its avocado pigment complemented my decor. Then I grasped its woodgrain handle – here I opened wide the door; – Darkness there, and nothing more. Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering,


Thanksgiving Hair – tRN195

Happy Thanksgiving! We share some Thanksgiving stories, a surprising Old Testament instrument resurrected, and our own accidental Frozen parody song. Fake sponsor This episode doth be brought to thee by ye olde Authorized King James Version. Random Noodle Updates Daniel had four Thanksgivings but no leftovers. Almost got a free hearing test from a guy that was being overly compassionate. A hair almost ruined Thanksgiving. And Daniel maybe have ruined EagleCoach95. Commercial break We at Old Testament Music Company, the ones that brought you the high sounding cymbals, have really outdone ourselves. This time we have gone all the way back to Daniel Chapter 3, In the Authorized King James Version of the Bible and have produced one of the most beloved musical instruments ever played. Thousands bowed the knee when the storied strains of this fabled instrument split the air. Now, after centuries of silence, we are bringing back for the first time………… that’s right, you guessed it, THE SACKBUT! This is not your grandmother’s medieval sackbut she used for baroque ballads. Oh no. We are bringing back the ORIGINAL sackbut that King Nebuchadnezzar himself ordered played in Daniel Chapter 3. What does this ancient miracle of musicality sound like? I thought you’d never ask. Oh yeah, that’s the stuff! I’d wager nothing like that has ever been heard in modern music. So, How do you get your own sackbut? Don’t worry, we won’t make you bow before a golden image or throw you into a firey furnace. All you have to do is send us money, LOTS of money. If you send enough, we will manufacture and send to you, COD, your very own sackbut. You know you’ve always wanted one. You could have the first sackbut in your town. Just think how surprised your friends and coworkers will be when you drag your ancient sackbut to work, or even the gym. Just ease your sackbut right onto the treadmill. It soooo easy to do. But wait, there’s more. If you order your sackbut in the next undetermined amount of time, we will include a second sackbut absolutely free, just pay the undisclosed shipping and handling. Hey, sorry about the shipping and handling, but sackbuts are HEAVY! Just think how welcome the extra sackbut would be at Christmas as a gift for your wife or girlfriend. We all know that EVERY woman wants a sackbut! Order today! We’re on the web at: we sure do hope you send us a bunch of cash so we can retire on your money while you sit on your sackbut….. Dot com! The Sackbut. Get the look and sound that will get you noticed! Order today! {DISCLAIMER} We hope you understand that this ad is fake and no sackbuts but the medieval type are available at this time. When you stop laughing, we hope you will read Daniel Chapter 3, and all biblical chapters before and after Daniel Chapter 3. Thank you. As I child I always found the sackbut references in KJV Daniel chapter 3 hillarious. This week it occurred to me that a fake commercial could be devised on the subject. I have attached my recording. Thanks for considering it. Jeff Holbrook Feedback Thanks to John Bukenas, our podcast producer, for the nice “Let It Go” mashup of our own voices! Thanks for the iTunes reviews! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


Wear a Freakin’ Fedora – tRN192

Cool people wear fedoras—Carmen Sandiego,  Dick Tracy, and Indiana Jones. If you want to be cool, buy a curved TV and listen to this clean-comedy podcast. Fake sponsor Love Letters from Mimes. Random Noodle Updates Daniel’s dealing with broken glasses and looks like a crazy man who talks about nothing, but makes it funny. ## The Amazoning Noodle Suggested by our producer, John Bukenas: 4.0 out of 5 stars Amazing TV. I only give it 4 stars because …, September 1, 2014 By Nick James – See all my reviews Amazing TV. I only give it 4 stars because they didn’t mention the importance of securing it to the wall. My dog was running through the house and bumped the stand causing the device to fall over. Luckily the dog was there to cushion the fall. Not a scratch to the TV so it worked perfect to play our home videos of our dog Sparky at his funeral services. He looks so life like on the tv I hardly notice he’s gone. 5.0 out of 5 stars I have friends now!, October 4, 2014 By Demond – See all my reviews This TV is great! It looks so much like real life that I almost feel like I have one! Before I bought this I would sit at home all alone wiping my tears with $100 bills and leopard fur for hours on end. Now I can trick myself into thinking that the people on the screen are actually my friends. Thanks Samsung! Q: Is this Samsung TV water-resistant? I want to have my own backyard drive-in theater with surround speakers. Just sit in my car watch the movies in HD. A: No, it’s not water resistant but at this price you can afford to leave it outside and replace it if it gets rained on. Feedback Can u plz read this on air? I need help in school cause people make fun of me for wearing a fedora (a hat) its my favourite hat and they hate it. Can u guys tell me why there is something against fedoras? William Thanks for the iTunes reviews! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


INSPIRED, by Logan – tRN191

Parallel-universe moments, a Minecraft promise, symbiotic relationships, and more clean comedy in this podcast! Fake sponsor (Inspired by Logan) This episode is brought to you by The oPad. Are you tired of using a single device in front of your face? Is it too big to carry in your pocket? Are you too weak to hold it all the time? That’s why you need The oPad! The open is a Halo-inspired mobile device that not only lets you work in 360º, but it even floats in mid air! The oPad! But wait, there’s more! Order today and we’ll include the oCurtain accessory for absolutely free so you can shower in public while maintaining a constant 360º of privacy. Now you can run your errands and bathe at the same time! Order your oPad today! Opad: let your technology imprison embrace you. Random Noodle Updates Daniel had a parallel-universe moment with his car. Promised to adventure with Jenny. Feedback One night, I was in bed, and my stepdad was reading to me. ( not like picture books, I’m not 4 years old, like novels.) I had read this book on my own [unintentional Lés Miserables reference] already, and I remembered most of the story. Well, I fell asleep while he was reading to me, and i didn’t notice it, I could still hear him reading. Then I looked around and saw a tiger sitting on my desk, and my stepdad looked a lot like a rhino, but he was still reading the book! Then I woke up and realized I had been dreaming, and I knew the book so well, I still knew what he was saying. Creepy. —Creepo crafter ## The Amazoning Noodle Please review us in iTunes! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


Bury the Rat – tRN190

We can’t say that on a clean-comedy podcast! But we can still talk about pet rats, two-edged swords, and hair—all related? Fake sponsor Are you tired of being told to scooch in for the late-comers? Does the thought of catching your death from handshakes scare you? Do you want to make a “joyful noise” without the judgment of your nearby friends and family? Then Drive-Thru Church™ is for you! Just pull up, get your coffee, sing a song at the teller, and listen to the announcements and mini-sermon. Got kids? No problem! Our 200-year-old grandma will come stick colorful flannel-graphs to your child’s window. Try Drive-Thru Church™, where we even let you kneel at your car’s own alter…nator (not affiliated with the Terminator). Just remember to pay your tithe at the next window. Random Noodle Updates Daniel has yet another hair update—now he’s eating his hair! He’s also now a stair connoisseur. Feedback Brooklyn: My pet rat died today, we’re going to bury her in the old town cemetery. Daniel: Would “I’m sorry for you loss” be an appropriate response over the loss of a pet rat? Brooklyn: Yea. now our other rat is lonely … We just finished burying her, sniff. We wrapped her in a towel and put her in a box, sniff. The we buried her and put a small rock as a gravestone, sniff. And we said our last good byes as my friend hummed funeral tunes, sniff. Me sooooooo sad! :*( I wouldn’t blame you if you mentioned this in the Ramen Noodle and had a good laugh about it. As long as you have a moment of silence for her my rat: Twitchtip P.S. Can you guess where I got the name? The Amazoning Noodle? CENSORED! (Weird words have weird meanings.) Noodlism: two-edged sword This term seems significantly outdated and misused. So we recommend updating it to the centuple-edge sword! Please write some the iTunes reviews! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


Oompa Loompa Lieutenant – tRN187

For the first time in forever, Daniel is now permanently missing a tooth, but that didn’t stop the clean-comedy! This was so awesome, you should go high-five a strange. Fake sponsor Does the Rubik’s Cube frustrate you? Do you struggle to crack the “code” to solving it? Well I have the answer for you! Try the all-new Solo-Colouréd Rubik’s Cube! Impress your friends by mixing up the cube and putting it back together in seconds! The all-new Solo Colouréd Rubik’s Cube is on sale for $49.99 and available in attractive color variations like … blue. For added fun, take your newfound Rubik’s mastery to the next level with The all-new Solo-Colouréd Rubik’s Cube formula guide, so you can impressively crack the “code” in half the time! Suggested by Ethan, AKA “Kramer Man.” Random Noodle Updates Jeremy is so awesome, random guys give him random high fives. Daniel wrote his story, but told it more excitingly. We record the Ramen Noodle live on Wednesdays nights at 6 Eastern. We had to skip last week because of massive tooth ache. Now that I’m better, let me tell you the rest of the story. The weekend before this started, Jenny and I went on a date to a grocery store. Before you start thinking, “Wow. Some guy! He takes his wife grocery shopping for a date. HOW ROMANTIC!” It’s not like some girl is going to get all romanced up by going to Walmart. Gasping. Panting. Moaning. Fainting. But this was your average grocery store. In Cincinnati, we have this place called Jungle Jim’s. It’s an huge international grocery store with all kind of weird, ugly, and interesting foods. It truly is an adventure to shop there. This is the kind of place you can find whole duck heads, pig’s feet, every flavor of Jelly Belly jellybean, and Parakeet livers. This is also the place with port-a-let’s for indoor restrooms. Like I said—it’s romantic! Whenever we go, we like to get something exotic to try. This usually means something sweet. Jenny and I both picked out some fun things and enjoyed them back at home. My theory is that some of the super-tough, chewy candy I got was not a good idea for one of my teeth. In previous episodes, I’ve shared stories of going to the dentist. I now have more root canals than Panama. (Kids, brush and floss! You’ll hear people confess their regret for doing drugs, but you rarely hear people share their dental hygiene failures because they’re far too embarrassing.) Monday morning, I awoke with some significant tooth pain on one specific tooth—one where that previously had a root canal. Due to other circumstances, I did not feel like recording the Audacity to Podcast on that day. So what did I make the episode about? “What to do when you don’t feel like podcasting”! I mentioned something to my live audience then, but I assumed the pain would go away. Tuesday morning, the pain was bad enough that I saw a dentist. He said the pain would go away and so should I. That night, the pain was so intense that I couldn’t sleep. By Wednesday, I was literally crying from the pain. The doctor saw me again and gave me some basic antibiotics and scheduled a check with a specialist FOR SIX DAYS LATER! We canceled the Ramen Noodle for that night, but I was stupid enough to go ahead and host our Once Upon a Time podcast—but I wasn’t going to be the one doing the majority of the talking. When something bothers you, you have to pull it. This is why people pull weeds—they bother them. This is why people pull up their rears—they bother them. And this is also why people pull out their hair—because some hair is allergic to annoyances. Thursday morning, we saw the dentist again. This time, to just pull the tooth. Most people dread the numbing needle, but I was looking forward to it! The dentist was highly accurate with his poke, because he hit the nerve perfectly. Unfortunately,


A Definite Ponytail – tRN185

Pull up your hair, apply some Dumb Blonde Smoothing Stuff, and enjoy our clean-comedy podcast. Fake sponsor Brought to you by the cheap thrills and temporal fun of your inner child’s deepest desires—bubble wrap. Random Noodle Updates Daniel celebrated Independence Day by becoming a redneck while moving a couple tons of concrete around with his dad. His hair is also now getting in the way and requiring a ponytail. Jeremy suggested we update the theme song with a Rebecca-Black-inspired black man singing a wrap in the middle. Perform something and send it to us! Feedback Someone called and “made a wrong number.” I’m a cashier at a grocery store. We sell beer and wine, so I, of course have to card people sometimes. There was a guy in my line a while back that didn’t have his ID. When I asked for it, and he tells me, “Here’s my ID right here!” He then proceeds to lift up his shirt to reveal a tattoo on his stomach that says 1984. I didn’t know what to think, but told him that a stomach tattoo didn’t count as a legal ID. Still the funniest, weirdest thing that’s happened in my checkout line. Rebecca Hailey    Hello, ramen noodley people! This is I love chess and cheese and dopey hats and ponies and probably something else too. Any ways you were sharing a story of a slightly roundish child who had an issue with his swim trunks staying up and you were worried about weird sunburns. well I went to Disney World with my parents and my brother a few years ago and of course it was then I decided to try out new swim trunks because the others were too tight. We had gone to one of those nice and sunny ice cream places to eat and it was only thanks to a odd sunburn that clued me into the issue I had been having. So by the sunburn I had deduced that I had somewhere between a crescent moon and a half moon. Of course the back of my seat was facing the door so the area where the sun actually did shine that day was welcoming every one who wanted ice cream in Disney World, and of course i got the banana split. ILoveChessandPonies Noodles in the News At least 17 Bodies Found In Ohio River Near Henderson, Kentucky via Empire News. “Kentucky law requires that an attempt be made to resuscitate if possible,” said Joseph Goldsmith, a member of the search and rescue team. “I know it seemed to be a long-shot, given the body was in several different pieces, but they require us to make an attempt.” The Amazoning Noodle   Please review us on iTunes! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


Practically Piranhas – tRN184

Grab ready to get pebbly with our clean-comedy podcast! We share our beach stories and yours, which will make your eyes pop out! Fake sponsor Tisket Tasket, a new productivity suite that takes your projects from ashes ashes and makes your stress all fall down. Random Noodle Updates Daniel told a couple sleep-talking stories, including Harry Potter and snakes. Feedback Several things from your last episode. First, eyes…I didn’t pop my eyes out with my eye muscles, but: back in the glory days of high school football, twenty odd years ago, I was on the kickoff team, and after the opening kickoff of a home game, I ran down and hit both the guy who received the kickoff and a blocker at the same time. I knocked them both over, and the crowd roared, my team-mates were clapping me on the back and jumping on me, as they do…but I was busy trying to figure out why my eyes were focused on different things, I reached up and pushed on them, and with a “pop” they snapped back into the sockets…because they were OUT. I was really creeped out by that. Now, if you want someone who can do it on purpose: -Rhoetus AKA Mike Withers Feature: beach stories Chris Cowan from Pop Mockers told us two first-time kite-on-the-beach-stories. Jeremy’s trip to Lake Huron wasn’t that great. But he took photos! My family recently went to Virginia Beach. I am not a beach kind of guy, I mean, like I said earlier I am more than a decade past my prime. There is your set up. Before we left the hotel, my wife and daughter went to the restrooms, and so my son and I were standing in the hallway, when a couple college aged girls came up and asked me to take their picture, with their phones. My son gave me the “you sure that’s a good idea dad?” look, but they were covered and everything, so it wasn’t a big deal…until the other eight of them came out, some of them not wearing quite as much, and they started to joke around a bit, as I am trying to get them all in focus, and I see my wife standing off to the side. Anyway, I clicked and handed off the phones “good luck, gotta go”. My wife looks at me with …I am not quite sure of the word, but anger, disgust, incredulity… something like that, “WHAT are you doing?” She didn’t even seem to take my excuse that it wasn’t like it was MY phone I was taking pictures with, and the girls probably felt safer with a guy old enough to be their dad taking their picture than the alternatives. …anyway, still married, will pay for it at some time and some place, but I’ll survive. -Rhoetus AKA Mike Withers Daniel shared stories from when he and Jenny recently went on a family vacation to Myrtle Beach, and the comedy that ensued (or was imagined). Veronica told us about feeding fish with her feet and girl scouts … cookies. Please review us in iTunes! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


Evil Attic Doll – tRN183

Buckle your pants or else your eyeballs might pop out from this clean-comedy podcast! Fake sponsor Pocket Microwaves—the most convenient way to heat your food on the go. (Not recommend children, those with children, those who want children, or those who were once children. Do not use if you have allergic reactions to toxic radiation.) Random Noodle Updates Daniel shared from his odd experiences traveling to and fro in South Carolina. Jenny found a childhood doll that has become bitter and creepy (see photo above). Jeremy can almost pop out his own eyeballs with his brain muscles. Can you? Feedback I recently undertook a grand adventure and decided to go back and listen through the entire archive of The Ramen Noodle in an effort to make my work day more interesting. As there is a full metric ton of Noodles to get through, I have decided to listen to the show using a media player that can increase or decrease the speed of the playback. And the theme song played at 1.4x speed is just about the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard. Simply amazing. Thanks for the laughs! Skwerel Noodles in the News “Buckle Your Pants” from Battleblock Theater (Xbox Arcade and Steam): In case you’re interested, the game is is a lot of fun! Daniel and Jenny thoroughly enjoyed it. Here’s the trailer. Send your funny beach stories Daniel and Jenny recently took a family vacation to the beach and returned with funny stories. Add yours! Please write some iTunes reviews! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


The Mystery Extends to My Toes – tRN175

This murder and mayhem will make you sing “Let It Go” in a million Disney and Pixar voices—or at least remind you to clip your nails. Fake sponsor My Gross Off—the only worldwide competition that pits PowerPoint against PowerPoint to the death! Outbore, Outcolor, Outfont. You decide the victor by falling over dead. Open your windows at 8 and watch My Gross Off, live from Redmond. Random Noodle Updates Daniel has funny stories from his recent keynote speaking engagement at the Mad Anthony Writers Conference. Overheard: “Our morning event was murder and mayhem. It was a big success!” Said in total seriousness. — Daniel J. Lewis (@theRamenNoodle) April 4, 2014 Jeremy loses memories through his fingernails. Feedback In response to show 173, Jabberwocky, you Bandersnatch: I worked at a pizza shop in a college town for a couple years, and our busiest time was after the bars closed on Friday and Saturday nights. To say that the language was inappropriate for a Clean Comedy Podcast, would be an understatement. However, I don’t use foul language, and that was commented on. “You never say bad words, do you?” one of my co-workers asked. Which gave me a great idea. From then on, whenever it was dramatically appropriate, I would use “bad words” as my bad words. Part of my job was to escort overly inebriated guests out the front door if they got too excited. It was terrific fun to pull a Neo and dodge a punch from a hammered college kid (so slow a grandma could have dodged it, but I guess it looked impressive). I grabbed the back of his collar, and locked one of his arms up and leaned real close to his ear and growled, “Bad Words!” At which point he stopped struggling and I pushed him through the crowd and out the front door. So, two take-aways. First, often tone is more important than what is actually said, and second, Daniel, as you are always looking for an excuse to use your karate, I recommend getting a job at an eatery that caters to drunk, hormone filled rowdys, and take the late shift. -Rhoetus Noodles in the News Disney and Pixar Sings Let it Go. * Captain Barbosa and Jack Sparrow, Pirate of the Caribbean * Roz and Mike Wazowski, Monsters Inc. * Lumiere and Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast * Dug and Alpha from Up * Kaa from The Jungle Book * Sebastian and Scuttle from The Little Mermaid * Scar, Pumbaa, and Timon from The Lion King * Ray from The Princess and the Frog * Winnie the Pooh and Tigger from Winnie the Pooh * Pete. Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, and Goofy—classic Disney characters Thanks for the iTunes reviews! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


Just Give Up, John Travolta – tRN172

Let it go, let it go, turn on the podcast and shut the door. We don’t care what you’re going to think, let the laughter rage on! The humor never bothered us anyway. Fake sponsor Nothing says “manly” like a durable, army-green, anti-box-basher mailbox from Fisher Price. Find them today in the store across the street from manly places like Outdoor World and Cabela’s. Random Noodle Updates Jeremy has been Travoltified! See what John Travolta would call you, and share in the comments below! Now that Jeremy has finally seen Frozen, he is obsessed with letting things go. Check out these parody videos he found. Google re-re-re-re-re-translated: Cincinnati-local traffic man pleads with song: Feedback Eddie Kain predicts that we’ll podcast so much, we’ll turn into stick puppets! But the story gets sadder: So Jeremy may need counseling. But Rhoetus has a place! Hi guys, I work as a “facilities caretaker” at my local church (read: janitor/handyman…shout out to Cassie!). One of my projects is to soundproof a room so that we can have a professional counselor come in and treat patients. …no, not me. …just saying. As part of this process, I am putting sound dampening insulation on the ceiling tiles. (between the roof and ceiling) As I read over the insulation packaging, I come across, “If irritation occurs, flush eyes with water and/or drink”. I looked over at my coffee and wondered just how bad this insulation stuff is that if I get it in my eyes, I should rinse my eyes with, apparently, whatever liquid is closest. Luckily, further down, I see the rest of the sentence, “water to clear throat.” Did either of you ever have that “test” in school, where the teacher gives you a quiz, and at the beginning, it says: “Read and follow all instructions before starting”…and down at the bottom someplace it says “sign and hand in” and it never tells you to answer any questions, and the teacher gets a good laugh at your stupidity for answering all the questions. Well, I did, and I fell for it several times. …well, I guess it actually taught me a lesson, because I did wait until I got to the end of the instructions/warnings before I followed them. Another thing happened to me, that I thought was mildly humorous. After being terrified of the super-dangerous nature of the insulation, I put on all my protective gear, safety glasses, respirator, gloves, and a long sleeved shirt, that I taped to my gloves so that there wouldn’t be a gap, and a bandana, Aunt Jemima-style for my baldy head. JEREMY! (because if Daniel reads this, he will yell the all caps and scare Jeremy…although, I bet you didn’t yell all my all-caps “i’s” , so that is kind of inconsistent) Anyway, I walk out of my office/broom closet, at the same time that our diminutive children’s ministry director came out of her office, and started walking in the same direction I was walking. Apparently, my respirator makes Darth Vader breathing noises, because she turned to see who was behind her, and gave a little “Oh!” and jumped before recognizing me and laughing. Hope this entertained you a little, -Rhoetus PS, I bought the bandana specifically for this job, and did not wash it before using. Now, I have a blue tint to my head.   The Amazoning Noodle From Ella, “While browsing Amazon, I spotted this. I thought of you guys immediately.” Read these glowing reviews! One of the top four shopping cart reference guides [5 stars, from Mitch] This book is easily one of the top four reference guides for shopping carts available on the market today. It does an excellent job of covering the following top...


Drop Dead, Gorgeous, Flappy, Bird – tRN170

Tap-tap your grammar, hang with jammin’ grandma, and romantically prepare your loved one for their death. Happy Valentine’s Day! Fake sponsor From the quacking makers of indispensable repair, the circle-running makers of endless childhood chasing fun, and the long-bearded makers of hunting companions comes the latest redneck conglomerate television show: Duck Duct Duck Duck Goose Duck Dynasty. Thursday nights at 8/7 central/6 Canadian/[2:17] pacific/5 aloha Hawaiian on Channel 3. Random Noodle Updates Daniel met Miss America at New Media Expo  and saw grandma in Starbucks. Jeremy and Daniel played Flappy Bird for the first time. Feedback Hey, I would love to tell you about my RNX (Ramen Noodle Experience).  I had just finished watching a season of Dr. Who and needed to get up to set my clocks back an hour.  While I was up I decided to make myself a cup of ramen noodles using my toilet bowl dish I bought on Amazon. I finished making my noodles, got a soda and started the new season of Dr. Who, but I also felt like getting a banana. I eat bananas all the time and I would have used a knife to slice it but all of my knives were in my neighbors sink. I decided to use the ceiling fan method to peel and slice it instead, but things did not turn out as they usually do. In fact, peeling this banana was as easy as cake, which we all know is very hard.  As I threw the banana into the air I instantly realized that the ceiling fan was not on.  This required me to run across the living room and hit the switch to turn on the fan. I probably would have gotten there in time had I not stepped on the rake that I had lying on the floor. I figured the handle was curved enough that it would not hit me in the head, but I was wrong.  As I let out a scream my friend Jeremy let out a gasp of surprise.  I ended up eating my ramen noodles and squished banana with a huge bump on my head. Au revoir (barf sounds), Eddie Kain Noodles in the News “Treat Your Loved Ones on Valentine’s Day—Include them in your will.” “Give Your Valentine Eternal Love! Pre-planning Valentine Special: $500 off cemetery arrangement.   “If You Had No Idea What To Get Her For Valentine’s Day … Imagine How Overwhelming Arranging Her Funeral Would Be. Give her the perfect gift, make pre-arrangements as a couple with the affordable funeral home. Choose from affordable funeral services or affordable cremations. Compassion is our passion. By the way, did we tell you we were affordable?” Noodlism: “drop dead gorgeous” Let’s have a grammar lesson, first. Names are usually surrounded by commas. For example, “Hello, Jeremy,” or “Jeremy, would you please shut up?” So when you speak, “drop dead gorgeous,” does it have a comma? Are you telling Gorgeous to drop dead? If someone is so gorgeous that you feel like dropping dead around them, that’s not a potential mate, that’s a plague! But dead people often look nicer dead than alive, so is that where this came from? Speaking of grammar, check out Mignon Fogarty’s (better known as Grammar Girl) new grammar-based card game, Peeve Wars! Thanks for the iTunes reviews! * buttercup5982 Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially <a href="https://cleancomedypodcast.


Gummies for Science! – tRN164

If your family makes you feel gross, your heroes make you feel dopey, your intestines need help, and your bananas are too hard to cut, you need this clean-comedy podcast to cheer you up! Fake sponsor When you have nowhere else to turn, when your car is hanging over the edge of a cliff, when you trip while the monster is chasing you, and when you live somewhere other than New York City, call Heroes for Hire and we’ll dispatch someone to your boring town to save your uninteresting life that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of Earth’s existence. Call 1-800-H3R05571NK to hire a hero for your hopeless life. Random Noodle Updates Daniel’s long hear is gross and causes girly problems. Noodles in the News Try some  for a bowel-freeing experience! Check out the reviews, too. Also read the reviews on the   (suggested by Dustin Hartzler from Your Website Engineer). Share your favorite reviews in the comments, and send us links to other weird products! Feedback Disappointing style. hello Daniel Jeremy and JENNY. I started watching once upon a time season 2 the Friday before season 3 opining. I figured it would be good to refresher in my mind what the show might be like. Then I saw it. One of the dwarfs had my exact hat! I was so excited someone had the same taste in hats, and it was on TV. Then I realized *sigh* it was dopey. From: I love chess and cheese and ponies (or cheponies in the chat room). Thanks for the iTunes reviews! Your reviews encourage us and help others find the podcast! Please rate and especially write a review for us in iTunes.


The Writing on the Ball – tRN163

We dig into the archive and pancake around the ball. Fake sponsor Gmale, the latest invitation-only service from Google, now provides husbands with automatic conversations. Feedback Hi Flegon and Daniel, I was trying to prove to my dad that if I stood on the rake it wouldn’t hit my face because the handle was slightly crooked. I was wrong. brooze number 1. about 6 months later (last week) I was at a place called infinity. The room I was in had mirrors for the floor, walls and roof. The lights flashed on and off and lasers created a star like effect. After playing for a while I tried to find the exit. I forgot to keep my hands in front of me, and I walked full pelt into a mirror. Yes, I am either clumsy, or just plain stupid. Maginnis PS.I am a 12 year old girl from Australia. (back in 9-30-10) After Daylight Stupid Time, three years ago, Chuck had a surprise. I woke up panicking that I was half-an-hour late and wondering why my alarm didn’t go off. Then I remembered and went back to sleep. -Chuck There are only so many ways you can spend that hour. I watched a movie and then when the hour started over i had to restart the movie because if i hadnt there would have been some serious time loop problems with me watching two differnt parts of the same movie at the same time geez wat else would u do? Alexandra Maybe married now? Hey Ramen noodle, this is Ian from Indiana, I’m a big fan and I have a funny story that I would like to share. ALL NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT Just kidding. So there’s this girl I like named Jenna (but that’s not what the story’s about) so I was hanging out in PE/gym and she’s dribbling a basket ball or something, and I say something probably hitting on her or something and she throws the ball at me. I catch it, but she threw it really hard so it jammed my thumb, anyway, it hurt for a while. That night I decide to pull a prank on her and wrap my thumb in gaws and tell her that she broke it or something. The next day in first period, I put the gaws on my thumb and tell her that I got it X-rayed and the Doctor said it was broken. For a minute, I think she believed me but she didn’t really have any sympathy anyway. a few minutes later I say, “just kidding, it’s not broken”, I can’t remember what she said, but I was saying stuff like, “man, that was a good prank, I mean you’ve gotta admit that was good, I had you for minute there”, I was really proud of myself, then she says, “Ian, your fly’s unzipped.” Thanks for the laughs! Ian (11/13/10) Nichole (@catgirlwog) and Kari (@karibear09) sent us some amazingly creative feedback (scroll up)! Walmart caskets Yes, that’s right, Walmart sells caskets [affiliate link? Of course!], probably in case you get hit with falling prices.