“We haven’t had sex in months. This is not what I signed up for when we got together five years ago!”

These words from a past client ring in my head now and then, when I think about couples who are dissatisfied with their sex lives. You can feel the utter frustration he felt when it came to his unmet expectations.

Over those five years, his experience of his sex life changed or, more than likely, the conversation about sexual compatibility never occurred. This is often the case in new relationships when things are novel and exciting.

He wasn’t experiencing what was important to him or, in other words, he and his partner didn’t share the same sex and intimacy values.

“Have you and your partner ever explicitly discussed what’s important to each of you when it comes to sex and intimacy?” I asked him. “What do you both value in your experience together?” “Have you ever talked with your partner about what’s important to each of you in your sexual and intimate life together?”

When you ask and answer these questions, you can explore how to harmonize your values and get your expectations met. If your values differ (which is often the case), the question arises: How do you accommodate those differences?

Sex is one of the most difficult topics of conversation for couples.

I’d like to offer you a framework to guide your exploration and ease things a bit.

Identify and rank your sex and intimacy values

I’ve listed some of the values that could be part of your preferred experience of sex and intimacy. Feel free to add to this list. Note which ones stand out to you. Maybe you want them all. (I do!) For this exercise, write down your top five.

* Physical affection (cuddling, hugging, PDAs, and hand holding, for example)

* Presence (present moment attentiveness, listening with interest)

* Passion (letting go into desire, taking and being taken)

* Sensuality (touching for pleasure, massage, sensation exploration)

* Spontaneity (unplanned sexy time, initiating through surprise or opportunity)

* Planned sex (setting a day and time, putting it on the schedule, prioritizing sex)

* Playfulness (humor, laughter, lightness, games, letting your inner child out to play)

* Depth (going deep, expressing emotions, feeling deeply)

* Sacredness (connecting to something greater in your union, bringing in spirit as part of your experience, rituals that give meaning to your sexuality)

* Kink (exploring limits, fetishes, power exchange, role play, different sexual personas)

* Quantity (wanting sex often, regularity, believing that more is better)

* Quality (making sex special, going for the gold, wanting the best each time)

* Tenderness (loving care, kindness, protection)

* Boldness (directness, asking for what you want)

* Confidence (stepping into your sexiness, feeling sure of who you are)

* Surrender (being led, handing over control, trusting, submitting)

* Loving (to feel loved completely, adored, devoted)

* Orgasms (pleasure based, making orgasm a priority, exploring different types of orgasms)

* Exploration and adventure (trying new things, being open to new things, novelty)

* Dominance (taking charge, leading, empowered)

Now that you’ve selected five from this list (or other items you added) your next task is to rank your top five sex and intimacy values in order from highest to lowest.

Get clear on what you need

Once you have your top five values sorted, consider the ways in which your partner can support those values in your sex life. Give yourself some time with this; communicating your values and needs is important, but considering how to get your values and needs met is the real conversation.

Here are some examples of how you could share your values, and how your partner could support you in giving you the kind of experience that’s important to you:

Value: Confidence

“When you admire my body, I feel confident and sexy.”

Value: Planned sex

“When you express how important sex is to you, it inspires me to plan for it, and put it in our schedule.”

Value: Exploration and Adventure

“When you propose new experiences, it heightens my sense of exploration and adventure.”

Include as much detail as possible about how your partner can support your top five values and how you can support theirs. And remember to avoid any blaming or complaining language, such as “you always…” or “you never…” There’s no looking back; there’s only moving forward!

Talk as team players in making your sex and love life great for both of you. That requires kindness, curiosity, and acceptance.

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