Wit and Wisdom

by Beth Broderick

I read about it in AARP magazine, so it must be true, right? A recent article stated that walking is one of the most beneficial exercises that a person of a certain age can engage in. It is safe, (as long as you look both ways and NEVER trust a green light in Los Angeles–folks run through reds on a regular basis here), free, and good for the mind as well as the body. This is old news, of course; most of us have known this all along. But they have added a new twist. They have added weight to the recommendation. This has been a trend with the younger fitness crowd for the last several months. I see young gals sporting strapped-on devices at every turn. I suppose they are seeking to attain the eternal Holy Grail of extra thin-ness, which is still worshipped in Hollywood. I have held myself to that standard for decades, and lately it’s been a struggle. I have been fighting with two pounds for months. I want to weigh my traditional 118, but my body keeps redounding to 120–which is not a big deal, but also not 118. One night of indulgence can push me over that. I am always one eggroll away from bad news on the scale. It’s not surprising that I came out of the gate swinging once the practice of strapping on pounds in order to shed them had been approved for the oldsters. No, but really all I care about is my health and building, you know, … bone density and such.

Also, the moon is made of green cheese.

The suggested starting point is between one and five pounds, depending on your fitness level. It is highly recommended that one don a vest outfitted with adjustable weights, but absent that, they say just toss a book or two in a backpack, strap it on, and get going. I dove in with a vest procured from Amazon that packs a whopping five pounds, and is easily adjusted. I started slowly-ish, wearing it only for the evening walk Fairness and I take before his dinner time. The stroll wends its way uphill gradually and lasts between 45 minutes and one hour, depending on my schedule. It is a nice way to button the day and prepare for my evening activities, which mostly consist of enjoying a glass of Chardonnay and eating some kind of vegetarian meal.

I am not a vegetarian, but I have been doing my own peculiar version of “food-combining” for years now and I swear by it. The philosophy is simple: Protein and carbohydrates should be eaten separately. Protein should be eaten with vegetables during the day, i.e.: eggs with spinach and mushrooms, and a side of avocado and sliced tomato. No toast, no hash browns, no grits or tortillas or pancakes, none of the fun stuff. Lunch can be salad and tuna or turkey or cheese, maybe a burger patty without the bun. No French fries, no potato salad, no chips of any kind, though coleslaw is admissible. Dinner is the opposite; dinner is all carbs and vegetables. Baked potato with broccoli and asparagus, pasta with spinach and peppers, air-fried veggie tots with an artichoke and some brown rice. The theory goes that one does not need protein at night because we are less active then. Carbs burn quickly without proteins beside them and give you a better night’s sleep. You get the picture. You can have all of the things you love as long as you eat them at the correct time and in the right combination.

This is supposed to keep your metabolic rate high and help you burn fuel efficiently. It works pretty well, does not have to be exact, and is not a “diet.” No calorie counting, no guilt, no hassle, and weekends are exempt. Have a bit of toast with Sunday breakfast or a traditional dinner plate on Saturday night. The plan lets you live a little, but come Monday, it’s back to the basic rules. I have been eating this way for decades; it has served me well.

This is not the “Hollywood” diet which boasts a lot of variations, but which, to the best of my knowledge, consists of eating very restricted calories by day so that one can enjoy a meal out with pals at night. This makes sense but could never work for me. My activity level is too high, and I need lots of protein to keep my energy up. I have tried eating oatmeal for breakfast in a nod to heart health, only to find myself feeling famished and exhausted one hour later. It’s so good for you that I endeavor to have it for dinner on occasion, though I eschew the “savory” variety. I need brown sugar, butter, pecans, and a few raisins in the mix and that is that. I am all for doing my heart some good, but I am not eating turmeric-dusted oatmeal. No thank you.

I swear that damned five-pound vest has got to be ten at least. The box it came in said “5 pounds” on the side but it is possible that someone made a mistake … because boy howdy is that thing heavy. It took some getting used to for sure, but I am sticking to the plan. I wore it for my two-hour Saturday hike and it was not too great a burden. I felt fine when I got home. It was a tad telling, though, that my traditional 30-minute nap was extended that day. I just could not get up. I ended up dozing for two hours in the afternoon, which felt naughty and luxurious in equal measure. I am trying to convince myself that the two things are not related, but …

THE HEAVY HAND OF TIME.

If I had tried it a day later, I could have blamed the exhaustion on the time change, which we all keep saying we hate, but go on adhering to anyway. The correct way to say it is Daylight Saving Time, not Savings Time, which, who cares? But there you have it. It is a peculiar tradition. Some say it was meant for the benefit of agriculture, others believe we adopted it to enhance evening baseball games. Not so. Farmers have actually campaigned against it, as it robs them of a much-needed hour to get crops to market in the morning. It was not enacted to help baseball, but the extra time does give clubs a chance to start later and increase their attendance for night games. If you have even been to a Dodger game and sat in awe as the sun set in the distance at around 8 p.m. you know this is good stuff. DTS was originally suggested by a British politician who thought it would be nice to expand the leisure time folks enjoy after the workday. It was not voted on there until long after Germany became the first country to give it a whirl. We started fussing with it in the 1940’s, but it did not become law in the United States until 1966, which is seven years after I was born, so–not long ago at all. Ahem!

It is a mixed bag. The extra daylight causes energy costs to go up, but there is some evidence that it helps crime rates go down. Many believe that the loss of sleep is to blame for an increase in minor car accidents in the first week of the change. Our poor dogs think we are all mean for withholding their supper until 5, when they know for certain that it is already 5. We can explain until we are blue that they have to wait because it is only four, it is to their minds, and in point of fact, FIVE, clocks be damned!

Over a dozen states have voted to make it permanent and get rid of the whole turning back the clock business. Congress has been trying to pass such a law for some time now, but they haven’t got around to it, seeming to have their hands full keeping up with the antics of a chaotic White House.

So, for now we have extended daylight hours to look forward to, which will give way to darker times in the coming winter. I find it quite charming in early spring and less so in the dead of summer when the heat persists well into early evening. I, for one, am not looking forward to strapping that (ten pounds, I swear) vest on at 6 PM when it is still 85 degrees out. I am tired and sweaty just thinking about it. Of course, there is a good chance that I will have jettisoned the whole weight-carrying business by then. I wore it again on Sunday and it is a bear. Firstly, it’s heavy, and the backpack thingy is giving my posture bra fits, and I am not sure I can maintain my finishing-school spinal alignment while hauling the damned thing around.

Those young gals make it look easy, but it will put the whoopin’ on ya at around the fourth mile. I mean having denser bones and a slimmer waistline sounds good and all, but I have to be able to stand up straight and stay awake long enough to enjoy it.

It is very nearly the official start of spring, March is on the march, the 20th just around the corner. Los Angeles got the memo early and is boasting very warm, too warm days, while some of you on the east coast are still coping with a harsh winter season. Wherever you are, and whatever the weather, this one thing is true for all of us: the time it is a-changin’ once again. It is the one thing we can be sure of until the day that we can’t.

On we go …

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