Last night I was a man. It’s not the first time I’ve had a dream in which I found myself in a man’s body. I’ve channeled masculine energy before, but it’s different in a dream. It’s more three-dimensional, more human.

Masculine and feminine energies are just energy. It’s not directly related to gender because we all contain both, but cis men and women in particular are conditioned to lean one way or the other. I believe healing work is always done from the perspective of a healer, so my conditioning comes into play when I’m channeling. Things that come to me are relevant to other cis men and women who resonate with me, so this is why it presents as binary for me.

I’ve talked a lot over the years about how I won’t talk about something I don’t know about. People ask me to speak on things sometimes, other elements of abuse they’re experiencing, but the best I can do is point to things other people have said who have experienced these things. The same is true of channeling.

I believe I’m given what I need to know based on how I was raised in the world, for the purpose of healing myself first, and then sharing the information I learn so others like me can heal themselves. I’m not given information outside of my area of expertise because it’s not my place to speak on something I don’t know. So if you’re not a cishet man or woman, the information I receive might not resonate with you and that’s okay. Please know I never want to exclude anyone. It’s a balance between talking about what I know and honoring what I don’t.

Spicy Dream

A few months ago was the first time I appeared in a dream as a man. In this one I was right in the middle of pleasuring a woman and feeling my body come alive with the experience. At first I thought it was a lesbian thing. I’ve been with a woman before, positions reversed, so it wasn’t particularly jarring or uncomfortable for me, until I felt myself becoming aroused by her and realized I was not in a woman’s body.

She tasted incredible, and her moans were timed perfectly, almost with the beating of my heart, which was increasing in tempo. I was hungry and wanting more. Every time she moved I feared she would stop and I would have to stop. I wanted her like I’ve never wanted anything. And I was feeling all of this as a man.

It was the strangest feeling. Somehow I still had the awareness that this wasn’t actually me and that I was in someone else’s body having this experience. I knew I wasn’t a man and this made it even more exciting. I understood how rare this was for me and I cherished it even more.

The thing that stood out for me the most when I woke up was the intense feeling of pleasure that didn’t come from my own pleasure. No one was touching me. I wasn’t being pleasured. She was. And her pleasure was everything to me. I was aroused and ready to explode by the end because I was receiving her energy. I was directly feeling her pleasure as if it was my own.

I’ve been grateful for this experience ever since. I hope this is how men really feel, and if they don’t I want them to. I want men to know this kind of pleasure, transferred from the woman they love.

Channeled Poetry

In poetry, channeling is different. Rather than the full bodily experience while I sleep, it’s an energetic exchange while I’m awake. The first time it happened was with the poem Vanilla Fields (page 109 in my book). I was sitting at my desk at work, clocking out to take a break for lunch. I started to feel aroused but couldn’t pinpoint what was turning me on. There was no real stimulus in the room in that moment.

This is how channeling works for me. It comes on spontaneously, like a gust of wind at a coffee shop when the air was previously still, blowing my cup and napkin off the cafe table.

Vanilla Fields

I want to commit sins with you

I gathered myself and “listened” for something more to come. I heard, “I want to commit sins with you,” and then, “new abominations from scratch,” and a poem began to form. I quickly opened my writing app and started to type. About 10 minutes later the last line was out.

“And I’ll leave her before I’m dressed.”

I didn’t yet understand that I was a man right now, and I had the urge to change her to here, thinking it was a typo. “I’ll leave here before I’m dressed.” But as I read over the poem for the first time, I read, “I want to know how deep I can go before your scream will lose its sound.” I blushed. Like old school, school girl, blushed.

The energy had felt more urgent than I would normally write. It was definitely a stronger, more passionate feeling and less romantic than I was used to writing at the time. In fact, it was this poem that made me add a chapter to the book called Lust. But I hadn’t registered the masculine energy until I read the words and felt the opposing gender to mine. Whoever this man was, he had me on the edge of my seat.

It happened another time in the poem His Last Word to God (page 95), which is an angry f**k off to God for making him fall in love only to rip love away from him. This was a new experience for me, to feel anger over the top of deep pain. I don’t experience anger very easily. It just doesn’t come to me often, so this was unusual. I wanted to hold this man and take away all that pain so he could feel love again.

This is how I transmute energy for others. I’ve been doing it all my life but didn’t know what it was. In high school I was a black man holding his dying baby in front of a hospital where he was being turned away. I thought it was just a story I came up with in the moment. I now understand I’m picking up on the energy of others and moving their emotions through me and out into something creative. I don’t know who or if it’s helping them, but it helps me grow in empathy for everyone whose energy aligns with the ones channeled through me.

Protector

This latest dream last night was a husband, father, lover, friend, and protector. I was him, this man who was tasked with protecting women around him and found himself failing. I don’t remember details this morning as I’m typing this, but I can feel the feeling.

I was moving through various “scenes” in this dream and watching women around me experience things upsetting to them. None were physically threatening, but all were threatening emotionally or spiritually, and there was nothing I could do for them.

I was prepared to save them physically, but totally unequipped to do anything else for them. I woke up to the sound of my teenage daughter’s cries echoing from the farthest end of the house, and a deep helplessness in my chest. I was physically present, but she was alone.

I’m grateful for these experiences. It’s a privilege to have a glimpse into the hearts and minds of other people. I don’t know them, I don’t know where they live or the time period they’re in, but it’s always an enlightening experience for me. It’s one thing to have the knowledge of a man’s feelings for a woman, but to actually feel it is really something else. It has opened my eyes to how men move in the world and when I talk to them, I’m hearing something different in their words, things they’re not saying. I still wouldn’t dare speak for them, but I have more compassion for men, having these small windows in which to peek in on them.

If you have any experience with something like this, I’d love to know I’m not alone. And if you have any other thoughts about this one, drop a comment. There are no trolls over here. ;)

His Last Word to God

When the deepest parts of me yearned to be seen and heard

A Little News

I’ve been rebranding this year to just use my name now instead of the mending me/always mending titles. With that came a change to the website. I now have my website and shop combined. This is where I have information about me, my books, and the other work I do. And I’m primarily using “bio links” now for the information you would have gotten from my website before. These are mobile friendly and single page to make things simpler. You can reach these from any of my social media. Check them out if you like and let me know if there are resources you think would be helpful to add to the marital coercion page.

https://natlajune.com/

https://bio.site/natlajune

https://bio.site/maritalcoercion