Welcome to chapter three of Bump and Grind. If you’d like to listen, rather than read, scroll to the bottom of the page.

My nearest and dearest gathered at my best friend Samantha’s condo to watch the E Prime Time special, where my win would be announced to the nation. Sam had the biggest TV I’d ever seen, and her place was much better suited to hosting than mine, even though it wasn’t a large crowd. 

Other than Samantha, my best friend since college, the guest list included Malcolm and their new baby Darnell, and my mother, who had insisted she make the drive into the city. 

This was the tiny fan club that had nominated me for the “Dare to Live Your Dream” contest, and I was completely oblivious. I mean, you go through your days, fretting over the usual bullshit like paying bills and awkward home bikini waxes, and meanwhile all of your loved ones are conspiring to save you from yourself. Exactly how far was my head up my own ass that I didn’t even suspect something?

“So Mrs. Peters, are you excited to see Karen on TV?” Malcolm asked. 

I turned from where I stood, gazing out at the twinkling lights of the city skyline. Mom pressed her thin lips into a line, as excited as she could get. She was a Eureykah fan, so I knew my rubbing elbows with the celebrity had earned me a few brownie points. Despite this, she was as unreadable as ever.  Except, of course, for her obvious discomfort with Samantha and Malcolm’s alternative family arrangement. She’d been outraged when Sam had chosen to raise a baby with Malcolm instead of finding a “nice husband.” I guess mom thought it was okay for Eureykah to be queer, because she didn’t have to see her in real life. 

“It’s nice to finally see her education pay off,” Mom said. 

Malcolm tried to hand her a glass of wine, but she raised her hand. 

“Thank you, but I only drink at weddings.” 

I could feel her pointed look, but wasn’t sure if it was because I was already on my second glass, or because we both knew there wouldn’t be any wedding bells in my future. 

Mom attempted to return to her seat, but it had been stolen by Sam and Malcolm’s enormous Dane, Theo Huxtable. Theo had backed his rear into the chair and was now half sitting and half standing on the floor. 

“Dogs. On the furniture,” Mom muttered, shaking her head.

Malcolm retreated from the polar vortex that was Jeanette Peters and headed over to Sam and I instead. I gladly accepted a refill, thinking I should probably just hang on to the entire bottle.

“So, how are you?” Sam said quietly. “This is…a lot.”

I sipped the wine. “I don’t feel like I’m really here.”

“How was Eureykah?” Malcolm asked. “Was she as nice as she seems?”

Sam passed me a tray of cheese cubes and red grapes. I grabbed a napkin and a pile of cheese. 

“She was actually lovely,” I said. “It made me feel bad for actively resisting her brand of self-help for so long.”

“So, what’s the dream they’ve lined up for you?” Malcolm asked.

“You can’t wait half an hour?” Sam gave him a playful slap. 

Baby Darnell chose that moment to wake with a cry from his bassinet. I was grateful for the distraction because I hadn’t quite figured out how to tell them what Eureykah wanted me to do for my dare.