David's two-year-old's in hospital, Chloe thinks the new electric Mercedes Astro six-hundred-E looks like somebody's idea of a joke phallus, and Tom got so fucking hungry he wolfed a twenty-ounce ribeye and wandered off like a caveman- which is why I'm here, your ethereal, slightly deranged, northern English voicebox. So let's strap in, let's strap down, and let's do this.

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