As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an important role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and daily chores provide a perfect opportunity. 

Chores allow your child/teen to play a role in contributing to the maintenance and care of your family’s household. Children/teens ages 11-14 are establishing lifestyle habits that will extend throughout their lifetime, whether making their beds in the morning, doing their dirty dishes, or cleaning up their games and supplies. Children/teens who do chores learn that part of being in a family contributes to the work and responsibilities of family life. When they pitch in, it creates a sense of autonomy, belonging, and competence. 

Research has found that the best predictor of success in young adulthood can be directly traced back to whether a child began doing chores at an early age, as young as three or four.^1 But it’s never too late to begin! Another study linked children doing chores to positive mental health in their early adulthood.^2  Doing chores teaches a work ethic essential in helping children/teens persist toward any goal. 

Yet, there are challenges. Children’s/teen’s schedules are busy. After school, your child/teen may have soccer practice, several hours of homework, and grand desires of seeing friends or playing outside. “Why do I have to take out the garbage cans? My friends don’t,” you may hear from your eleven-year-old. Whether cleaning up their room or setting the table for dinner, your child/teen may argue with you when they have other goals, like, “How can I socialize or game longer?” 

The key to many parenting challenges, like chores, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s/teen’s needs. Daily chores are also a way for your child/teen to learn valuable skills like timeliness and responsibility. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Why Chores?

Whether asking your eleven-year-old to make their bed and turn off the lights each day or reminding your twelve-year-old to rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher after dinner, these can become your daily challenges if you don’t create regular routines. With input from your child/teen in advance, clear roles and responsibilities can be outlined alongside a well-established plan for success.

Today, in the short term, chores can create

●      greater cooperation and motivation as you go about your daily tasks;

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles while feeling set up for success; 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care, and

●      added daily peace of mind.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

●      builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting;

●      builds skills in responsible decision-making, hard work, and persistence; and

●      gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency.

Five Steps for Establishing Chores

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen establish routines and build essential skills. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[1] .

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child/teen thinking about chores by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to chores so that you can address them. Children/teens need more autonomy as they find their independence and seek to define themselves as individuals separate from their parents. In gaining input, your child/teen 

●      has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for implementing the chore) 

●      has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership and 

●      will be working in collaboration with you to make informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day

Actions

●      Ask and negotiate. Start by engaging your child/teen in a list of chores they might be interested in doing. You might ask and consider together:

○      “Help me create a list of chores. What might be some chores we should consider?” 

○      “Why are chores important?” 

○      “What chores feel most meaningful to you?” 

○      “Which ones do you think you can complete regularly?”

●      Discuss challenges. As you talk to your child/teen about taking on responsibilities, talk about typically challenging times, such as balancing chores and homework. As after-school activities and the burden of homework increase, there is more pressure on your child/teen to get chores done. Discuss how to manage chores on these tough days. You could say, “I know Tuesdays can be hard between having to do homework and being at swim practice. What are ways you can still get your chores done?” Brainstorm ideas to solve the problem.

●      Make the agreements very clear. Be sure that you both are on the same page about the expectations. Children/teens love to look for loopholes, so talk through those. Say, “I want to ensure we are on the same page. Tell me your understanding of what I am asking you to do.” Ensure you have clarified whether “clean your room” includes pick up, vacuum, or dust. 

●      Write the plan. Make sure your child/teen is the one writing down the plan and designing it however they would like. Make it simple. 

●      Post the plan in a visible location. Refer to it as a reminder, “What’s next on our plan?”

Create a checklist of your household responsibility plan on a whiteboard or chalkboard. Children/Teens appreciate owning the list and enjoy checking off their list. And, this way you are not micro-managing them. Instead, you are supporting their independence.Trap: Be sure to create your plan at a calm time. Don’t create your plan when you are in the routine, hungry or tired, or under time pressure. Step 2. Teach New Skills

Some chores might be challenging for your child/teen initially. Frame these as evidence about how your child/teen is growing in terms of their responsibilities. Though children/teens would often like to appear fully capable and independent, they are still learning the tasks of family life. Consider: “If my child/teen left our house and lived away from us today, would they know how to do laundry fully, pay for utilities and rent, and prepare three healthy meals daily?” Thinking about what tasks they’ll need to be able to do when they are on their own can offer you guidance on areas to step up their responsibilities. You’ll need to teach them to do those new tasks when you've identified those areas.

Another helpful way to identify what kinds of tasks children/teens can take on to demonstrate greater responsibility is to learn what developmental milestones[4]  they’re working on.^3 Here are some examples:^4

●      Eleven-year-olds like to challenge rules and may need more adult empathy. They may also be sensitive to justice issues. Consider doing chores together, such as yard work or caring for pets, sick family members, or neighbors.

●      Twelve-year-olds are more self-aware, will initiate activities, and are beginning to develop better organizational skills. Ask for opinions about organizing areas of the house that need attention. Assign projects of interest with support if required.

●      Thirteen-year-olds are highly sensitive and like to challenge authority. They are searching for independence and tend to want to engage in service and social justice. Ideas for chores include making large meals together for your family, contributing to other families as a service, and caring for pets. 

●      Fourteen-year-olds need physical activity and active opportunities. They tend to be interested in services related to social/world issues. Ideas for chores include mowing the lawn or caring for the yard, vacuuming, helping with moving boxes or bins, engaging in home improvement projects like painting, or caring for bikes.

Remember, teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[5]  for unmet expectations.

Trap: Requiring a child/teen to do a household task before teaching first will frustrate them. After all, your child/teen may need help to do the job competently. Take the time to teach the new job before incorporating it into their routine.Actions

●      Teachers use a simple process called interactive modeling that can become a powerful teaching tool for parents and those in a parenting role.^5

○      Say what you will model and why

○      Model the behavior 

○      Ask your child/teen what they noticed

○      Invite your child/teen to model

○      Ask what they noticed with their modeling

○      Practice together

○      Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…”

The following is an example of how this might look between a parent and child/teen who are talking about preparing for a family dinner: “Now that you are old enough to use the stove by yourself, I want to show you how to make a family favorite dinner -- spaghetti and meatballs. I will show you the basics, but I want you to watch for what I do to stay safe in the kitchen.” Model behaviors like tucking the pan’s handle, turning off the burners and double-checking them, using pot holders, pouring away from you, etc. Routinely ask your child/teen, “What did you notice me do?” and ask your child/teen to take the lead halfway through.

Be sure to pick a time to do this when not under time pressure. If you suspect that your child/teen might resist being taught a new task by you, then this can be done subtly. Just working side by side on a project and chatting about what you are actually doing models the behaviors, promotes reflection on what you’re doing, and helps transfer the skills to your child/teen. 

Tip: Your child/teen is interested in making connections and learning about what’s happening in the outside world, so use this motivator! Experiment with having your child/teen wait at your family table. Play it out by having them set the table, take drink orders, and serve. Or, if your child/teen is more interested in meal preparation, have them select the menu, shop for it, and actively work together on cooking and preparing it.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Daily chores can allow your child/teen to practice new skills if you seize the opportunity. With practice, your child/teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen performs the chore.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s/teen’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

●      Use “I’d love for you to…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to make it their own and add their own flavor! Give them that chance. Say, “I’d love for you to make breakfast that has your own flair.” 

●      Recognize effort. Parents or those in a parenting role often offer feedback on what children/teens need to do right. Recognize effort by saying “I notice...” like: “I notice how you brought back the garbage can from the curb today without me asking. That’s taking responsibility!” 

●      Proactively remind. The challenges you have in your daily routines may recur day after day. Remind in a gentle, non-public way. You may say, “Remember what we do with the pot handle?”

Trap: Don’t continually repeat yourself. Children/teens often need more time to perform tasks that challenge them, even if you believe they are simple and don’t require much time. Be sure to wait long enough for your child/teen to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they are able to do what you need them to do.Step 4. Support Your Child’s/Teen’s Development and Success 

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen a new or challenging task so that they understand how to perform it. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate -- applying logical consequences. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different. 

Actions

●      Actively reflect on how chores are going. Ask questions like, “How are you feeling about clean-up time? Do you know where everything goes?” 

●      Infuse some fun! Working together as a family can be enjoyable. Turn on some of your child’s/teen’s favorite music or sing a song while working. 

●      Reflect on outcomes. “It looks like you forgot to set the table. What could help you remember in the future?” 

●      Stay engaged. Working together on particularly challenging chores can offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when tough issues arise.

●      Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, get your feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, but when your feelings are in check, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child/teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2. Third, if you feel your child/teen is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

Trap: Check your tone and attitude toward chores! If you groan when it’s time to finish them, your child/teen will also groan. It could also add to your challenge to involve your child/teen. If you approach chores with a “Let’s dig in together” attitude, that’s how your child/teen will also learn to approach them.Step 5. Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child's/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s/teen’s behavior.   

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You unloaded the dishwasher after dinner—Thank you!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child/teen knows what to expect, like "If you remember to do your chores this week,  we will get a treat on the drive home from school on Friday." (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child's/teen’s internal motivation.     Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like when a child/teen is arguing about leaving an event. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a treat if the child/teen will stop arguing). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.TRAP:...