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Christian College Sex Comedy: Part 27
Christian College Sex Comedy: Part 27
Appreciation?
In 30 parts, By FinalStand. Listen to the
podcast at Explicit
Novels.
Children must face the scrutiny of their
parents
The Dining Hall was almost a relief. That relief died the
moment I saw the banner over the front of the serving area in the Hall. 'Zane
Appreciation Day'. Since every word was spelled correctly, it wasn't some stunt
of Rio's, but beyond that, the list of suspects was too large to consider. This
could be a genuine outpouring of acceptance and sympathy for what I had endured
here. If you believe that, I have to ask you: 'Do you want your leprechaun pissing
Guinness or Irish Malt?'
Most likely, this was going to be some sort of
humiliation, and I think I knew the flavor, and I definitely knew how to find
out. See, in every seat of the Dining Hall was a big, bowling ball sized white
box with a name and secured with a gold and green ribbon, so no cheating; no
peeking. That last bit didn't deter me, though. I snuck up on the box marked
for Holiday Carpenter.
"Zane, does that have your name on it?"
Virginia Goodswell asked me, my English teacher and Spiritual Advisor. Hell, if
it had been Mrs. Marlowe, I would have opened it anyway, but Virginia was my
buddy so her next question didn't mean to stab a stake of regret through my
heart. "Where is Vivian?"
"I left my room before she was done." I looked
to the ground while I kicked some imaginary dust off the slate floor.
"Why don't you see if she's been calling you?"
she suggested. "She's probably worried." Worried, or homicidal
because, ya know, I had sort of run off without my phone, wallet, watch, book bag,
or anything else a 21st century student might need.
"I ran away like a big, fat chicken," I
confessed. "Anything not glued to my body I left behind."
"I'll give her a call." She pulled out her
phone and hit speed dial #2. I crap since her sick mother is probably #1. I am
such a big problem for her, she has my guardian on speed dial! "That is
Holiday Carpenter's box, Zane, not yours. Besides, there are strict
instructions to not open the boxes until instructed."
The panicky response I overheard from Virginia's
conversation with Vivian hardly helped my mood. She wanted to know if Virginia
knew where I was, she did; that I was okay, I was; and finally, what upset me,
because the other girls weren't talking but apparently Mercy had started
slapping Barbie Lynn around until Rio and Val pulled her off. Now, that made
less than no sense. Wasn't that supposed to work the other way around?
Virginia did a double check and sure enough, Mercy had
slammed Barbie Lynn into an open wardrobe on my behalf, and Rio and Val had
pulled her back. WTF! I am sure that Rio was right beside me on that one.
Vivian triple checked that I was physically and mentally okay and she sounded
so disappointed, in herself, as she did so. She was bringing my stuff; yes, I
am an earthworm. Virginia promised for me that I would remain here until she
arrived.
Some stupid gesture like a loud public apology, done on
bended knee, was blatantly unfair to Vivian, who only meant the best for me. I
made a quick apology, not trying to meet her eyes as I said the words and took
my stuff. All of 'my' girls seemed equally subdued. A minute after we had
garnered our victuals, Vivian put a hand on my elbow.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Zane," Vivian
smiled warmly at me. "You take a lot of stress and pressure on yourself. I
understand that from time to time you need to take in a tiny bit of private
space for yourself. Clearly, you can't schedule any such time because nothing
around you stays a secret for very long and no one respects your privacy or
even asks what you need."
"Vivian," I was puzzled, "you deserve to
be righteously pissed with me. You are my Guardian and I promised to stay by
you or at least tell you where I was."
"Zane, we let you down," Vivian assured me.
"It is your dorm room and we are your guests, and we have been rather poor
guests at that."
"How about we call a truce?" I offer.
"I can live with that," Vivian smiled.
"Cut the Kumbaya-time, kids," Rio snorted
derisively. "Zane, what the fuck happened with Mercy?" Rio playfully
punched Mercy's arm to emphasize her uncertainty.
"Rio, Bro, drop it," I asked sincerely.
"Act like it didn't happen." Rio studied me a second, then got this
wickedly evil grin.
"What the hell are you talking about, Glenda?"
she hefted the box up then shook it. "It seems my damn box is glued shut.
Are we celebrating one thousand cunts licked by you, or what?"
Because Rio rarely expounded at a level below full
volume, next thing we hear is Mrs. Marlow snapping, "Ms. Talon, watch your
language; there are good Christian women being forced to sit within the sound
of your voice!"
"Gotcha, Ms. Mouthful," Rio snapped off with a
snap and a finger raised up like a pistol in the air.
"What did you say?" Marlowe closed the
distance.
"She was repeating what I pointed out," I
turned and smiled. "I said that you really had it going together this
morning; that you were more than a mouthful. That's a hip/trending term to
describe someone who is expressing themselves through clothing and make-up."
"You are lying, Mr. Braxton," she snarled.
"You are probably right, as I do so to you on
general principle, but good luck proving it in student court," I grinned
right back. We locked wills and she blinked first.
"Ms. Phillips," Marlowe turned on Vivian,
"what are you going to do about this?"
"Zane and Rio, would you please apologize for being
rude and insensitive to an educator who only wishes the best for the student
body?" Vivian requested.
"I so apologize," I bowed my head.
"I so apologize as well," Rio tacked on. Only
after Marlowe had gone to spread love and sunshine somewhere else did Rio lean
across me and whisper to Vivian.
"You rock!" Rio giggled gleefully. After all,
Rio and I had not apologized to Mrs. Marlowe because neither one of us believed
for a minute that she was 'an educator who only wishes the best for the student
body'. To that nameless entity, we owed a debt, and to Mrs. Marlow we owed a
generous 'fuck you,' and Vivian had made it all possible.
"Why, thank you, Rio," Vivian nodded her
acceptance of Rio's praise. "Jesus is the Peacemaker and we all should
attempt to emulate his teachings."
"So, I still don't get to lick you senseless?"
Rio snickered.
"No, no, you don't," Vivian smiled, even though
she didn't look at either of us. Vivian's going to rock as a mom.
The next half hour passed quietly. Everyone was curious
about the boxes but no one was too worried until a rumor suddenly appeared.
When it was suggested that they might have to put on bikinis, the fear set in.
I blamed, I don't know but I wish I had thought of it. I was still kicking
myself for the missed opportunity when my alien with the right face black and
left face white shows up with the right face white and left face black, Mhain
and Millicent.
"Death Match and you get to referee," Rio
teased me. "I'm so jealous; 500 bucks on the one with the soul."
Mhain glared hate at us while Millicent looked more than amused.
"Zane, come with us," Mhain gloated. I figured that
somehow my ordeal was coming to an end so I'd play along. I rose and they
steered me to the largest exit, flanking me.
Christina and Company grabbed their boxes and jumped up
quickly to follow me, though they looked as confused as I was, confirming none
of them were the architect of my discomfort. No sooner had we stepped into the
cool, sunlit lawn than everyone's phone rang, except mine. I was loving this,
right up there with having sandpaper buffing my sunburned abs.
"Open the box and follow the instructions,"
Christina informed me. "Is anyone going to do this?" My phone
vibrated once, then my whole body tingled before I could respond to the call.
"I am," Mhain gloated. "I was promised
something." She knelt and opened her box with enthusiasm; the others did
likewise but at a more sedate pace.
What came out of each box was almost identical, different
only in the anatomical part of the body indicated by the instructions. The
objects were all grapefruit-sized fur-balls that made darling little squeaks,
squeals and murmurs, amongst other sympathetic noises, all in tiny little
voices. They were to be placed on my body, but I didn't know how that would
work.
"Are we going to do this?" Chastity began to
say.
"It isn't sticky," Hope was also saying when
Mhain's flew out of her hand and hit the side of my left knee. She reached out
carefully to retrieve hers while the other girls circled in. The little
darlings were proving to be resilient little bastards. Several more leapt at me
from the hands of their owners.
All this time the furry grapefruit were giving little
'wee!' noises when they shot at me and screeched like demons when they were
removed, which was painful when they were on my flesh. I knew who was
responsible and she was going to pay, but not right now. I saw my closest
allies pulling back.
"TLM, Christina," I sighed in resignation.
"Let's get this over with." I was being totally self-sacrificial;
girls were starting to pile-up on us coming out of the Dining Hall. I didn't
want a riot. Mhain had technically tagged me first but not in the designated
spot, so I had Christina go first, she put one over my heart, not that I
thought Cordelia was stupid, but now she was just piling it on.
Mhain went next and she was sizzling and excited, she put
it on my lips, shutting me up. At least the girls were polite and organized
enough to come at me patiently. A few didn't get the 'memo' and their little
rug rats slipped out of their owner's grasp and got to play gleeful kamikaze as
they plowed into me.
It didn't hurt but I had this secret fear that the tiny
terrors would sprout fangs and tear into me. These little guys were murmuring
and mumbling and it wasn't until I was truly buried that a horrific realization
was made, the more that were on me, the greater their clinging power. In
retrospect, this would have been more useful if we hadn't passed the 700 mark.
I looked like a puffy, overweight, Sasquatch baby. I
could move but sitting down was a dream, as was running or going to the
bathroom. The damn things wouldn't shut up either. It fell to Hope and Iona to
hurry me (as much as possible) to Assembly; you know that place where I 'sit'
in front. At least no one could ask me anything with the expectation of
receiving an answer.
I no longer wondered how bad it could get; I knew it
would get worse, and while I didn't know how, I knew it would be soon. At the
start of Assembly my little friends joined in the singing, not using words but
in the tinny little noises they made, though admittedly they were enthusiastic
and determined. But it gets worse.
There was a discussion on stage after that fiasco about
removing me. Chancellor Bazz wanted me gone; Vice Chancellor Scarlett was not
in attendance but Virginia took up my cause. After all, it wasn't my fault, she
claimed.
"Well, Black, do something," the first three
rows heard Bazz demand of our Head of Security.
"I am not an engineer or a chemist," Black
replied. "Do you want me to shoot them off him?"
Oh, yeah, my girl Bazz wanted that, so bad. Of course,
what she really wanted was for Black to miss, but that wasn't going to happen.
Finally, the teachers decided to soldier on. When Chancellor Bazz stepped up to
begin services, the frightening fur-balls belted out 'Hail to the Chief.'
No one said a word, not a murmur. Chancellor Bazz stopped
and the munchkin chorus stopped too. Two more starts later and she gave up and
grudgingly took the 'praise' from my infestation. They were good throughout the
message and sermon but took up 'Hail to the Chief' when she tried to leave the
podium.
"Do something!" she screamed at Black. This
time, Gabrielle sedately headed my way. I didn't want to think of the pain
coming my way. My little buddies had my back. When she got within five feet the
all screamed, and I mean SCREAMED, in the loudest cacophony most of us present
had ever heard. I saw something I thought I would never see; Gabrielle
flinched.
Not so oddly, I was fine, hearing almost nothing. The
little guys on my ears soaked up the sound so I received a very watered-down
version of what they were doing. Gabrielle fell back and at the five foot mark,
the little guys shut up, mostly. They seemed to be making comforting noises to
one another, like one Zane-sized colony of brown mold.
"Get away from him; just get away from him,"
good old Doctor Melrose Bazz pleaded as she moved her hands away from her ears.
"Braxton, you stop this right now." I had a wee beastie on my mouth
and Bazz was not on the small list of people I would devour this thing for. If
she's looking for a conversation today, she's out of luck. She throws her hands
up in desperation and starts to storm off.
My little cock-sucking furry gonads (yes, I was getting
angry) fired up 'Hail to the Chief' yet again, and kept at it until she sat
down. Virginia got to thinking it's appropriate to call for the end of this
travesty but she's dealing with Cordelia Dresden, Top Gun of the Time Lord
Mafia. The weapon of choice; 'She's a Lady' by some guy named Tom Jones, the
ladies in my life will inform me about this later.
For a half a second she tries to fight her smile but she
surrenders, even letting the little guys go through the entire score before
talking. The little tinny voices were humming a song I didn't know but damn it,
it made me want to take Virginia out to a smoky Jazz club and dance until the
sun came up. Virginia actually started tapping her foot to rhythm and I began
thinking I might not be able to beat Cordelia. I'm not used to that sensation.
"Okay, now, whoever is doing this has put Zane
through enough and should remember that we should, as Christians, make students
feel safe and not make them subjects of humiliation," Virginia addressed
the student body. "I think we can end Assembly fifteen minutes early today
for a little bit of Christian charity. We can do it at Zane's first class, 204
Denning Hall."
By the way, I apparently have a play list. As Virginia
headed back, the fella's changed it up with 'Baby Got Back'. I wanted to die.
Virginia Goodswell has a truly fine ass, of this there is no doubt, I often
compare it to Barbie Lynn's, but please. Virginia stopped, turned toward me
with a dazzling smile and waggled her finger at me, then resumed her way to her
seat.
How is any of this my fault? I imagine I was lucky it
wasn't the Thong Song. I would have died, then come back as the undead to take
Cordelia to hell with me. It was with some relief that Vivian and Hope rallied
to my side. They had to both keep other students away, the other girls loved
poking me in different critters to make them call out in different pitches and
tenors, which was pleasant to hear if you liked overdosing on helium.
Surprise, surprise; no one came to my succor before
English class. I couldn't sit down. Okay, I tried, but any part of my body that
bent or that I sat on screamed bloody murder until I got off of it or stopped
putting on the press. I've heard about girlfriends like this but I've always
assumed I would have the courage to jump out of a 50 story building to escape.
What do you do if they come with you when you jump
besides basking in the vicarious thrill that comes from crushing half of them
beneath you before you go? I managed to do okay standing in the rear of the
class, only once giving in to the crushing fatigue of holding my arms somewhat
elevated for two hours. The two under my arms were especially cooperative and
didn't get too vocal when my arms did slip to my sides.
I couldn't do a thing about the occasional girl twisting
in her seat but either Raven's glare or Goodswell's cough brought their eyes
forward once more. At the end of class, Virginia decided to call Ms. Black and
have her take me to the Vice Chancellor's office to end this matter. Vivian and
Mercy provided support while Gabrielle kept her distance and cleared a path.
Rio helped out by playing my musical miscreants as if
they were a drum set while some part of the 700 members of my new posse and I
yelled at her to leave us alone. She really is my best friend. My tragically slow
pace was not my friend and everyone had to depart for their classes before I
finished the arduous travel to the Administration Building. Gabrielle's eyes
measuring you for a casket is a remarkable motivator but didn't stop Rio from
blowing a kiss to her
View all episodes
By Steamy StoriesChristian College Sex Comedy: Part 27
Appreciation?
In 30 parts, By FinalStand. Listen to the
podcast at Explicit
Novels.
Children must face the scrutiny of their
parents
The Dining Hall was almost a relief. That relief died the
moment I saw the banner over the front of the serving area in the Hall. 'Zane
Appreciation Day'. Since every word was spelled correctly, it wasn't some stunt
of Rio's, but beyond that, the list of suspects was too large to consider. This
could be a genuine outpouring of acceptance and sympathy for what I had endured
here. If you believe that, I have to ask you: 'Do you want your leprechaun pissing
Guinness or Irish Malt?'
Most likely, this was going to be some sort of
humiliation, and I think I knew the flavor, and I definitely knew how to find
out. See, in every seat of the Dining Hall was a big, bowling ball sized white
box with a name and secured with a gold and green ribbon, so no cheating; no
peeking. That last bit didn't deter me, though. I snuck up on the box marked
for Holiday Carpenter.
"Zane, does that have your name on it?"
Virginia Goodswell asked me, my English teacher and Spiritual Advisor. Hell, if
it had been Mrs. Marlowe, I would have opened it anyway, but Virginia was my
buddy so her next question didn't mean to stab a stake of regret through my
heart. "Where is Vivian?"
"I left my room before she was done." I looked
to the ground while I kicked some imaginary dust off the slate floor.
"Why don't you see if she's been calling you?"
she suggested. "She's probably worried." Worried, or homicidal
because, ya know, I had sort of run off without my phone, wallet, watch, book bag,
or anything else a 21st century student might need.
"I ran away like a big, fat chicken," I
confessed. "Anything not glued to my body I left behind."
"I'll give her a call." She pulled out her
phone and hit speed dial #2. I crap since her sick mother is probably #1. I am
such a big problem for her, she has my guardian on speed dial! "That is
Holiday Carpenter's box, Zane, not yours. Besides, there are strict
instructions to not open the boxes until instructed."
The panicky response I overheard from Virginia's
conversation with Vivian hardly helped my mood. She wanted to know if Virginia
knew where I was, she did; that I was okay, I was; and finally, what upset me,
because the other girls weren't talking but apparently Mercy had started
slapping Barbie Lynn around until Rio and Val pulled her off. Now, that made
less than no sense. Wasn't that supposed to work the other way around?
Virginia did a double check and sure enough, Mercy had
slammed Barbie Lynn into an open wardrobe on my behalf, and Rio and Val had
pulled her back. WTF! I am sure that Rio was right beside me on that one.
Vivian triple checked that I was physically and mentally okay and she sounded
so disappointed, in herself, as she did so. She was bringing my stuff; yes, I
am an earthworm. Virginia promised for me that I would remain here until she
arrived.
Some stupid gesture like a loud public apology, done on
bended knee, was blatantly unfair to Vivian, who only meant the best for me. I
made a quick apology, not trying to meet her eyes as I said the words and took
my stuff. All of 'my' girls seemed equally subdued. A minute after we had
garnered our victuals, Vivian put a hand on my elbow.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Zane," Vivian
smiled warmly at me. "You take a lot of stress and pressure on yourself. I
understand that from time to time you need to take in a tiny bit of private
space for yourself. Clearly, you can't schedule any such time because nothing
around you stays a secret for very long and no one respects your privacy or
even asks what you need."
"Vivian," I was puzzled, "you deserve to
be righteously pissed with me. You are my Guardian and I promised to stay by
you or at least tell you where I was."
"Zane, we let you down," Vivian assured me.
"It is your dorm room and we are your guests, and we have been rather poor
guests at that."
"How about we call a truce?" I offer.
"I can live with that," Vivian smiled.
"Cut the Kumbaya-time, kids," Rio snorted
derisively. "Zane, what the fuck happened with Mercy?" Rio playfully
punched Mercy's arm to emphasize her uncertainty.
"Rio, Bro, drop it," I asked sincerely.
"Act like it didn't happen." Rio studied me a second, then got this
wickedly evil grin.
"What the hell are you talking about, Glenda?"
she hefted the box up then shook it. "It seems my damn box is glued shut.
Are we celebrating one thousand cunts licked by you, or what?"
Because Rio rarely expounded at a level below full
volume, next thing we hear is Mrs. Marlow snapping, "Ms. Talon, watch your
language; there are good Christian women being forced to sit within the sound
of your voice!"
"Gotcha, Ms. Mouthful," Rio snapped off with a
snap and a finger raised up like a pistol in the air.
"What did you say?" Marlowe closed the
distance.
"She was repeating what I pointed out," I
turned and smiled. "I said that you really had it going together this
morning; that you were more than a mouthful. That's a hip/trending term to
describe someone who is expressing themselves through clothing and make-up."
"You are lying, Mr. Braxton," she snarled.
"You are probably right, as I do so to you on
general principle, but good luck proving it in student court," I grinned
right back. We locked wills and she blinked first.
"Ms. Phillips," Marlowe turned on Vivian,
"what are you going to do about this?"
"Zane and Rio, would you please apologize for being
rude and insensitive to an educator who only wishes the best for the student
body?" Vivian requested.
"I so apologize," I bowed my head.
"I so apologize as well," Rio tacked on. Only
after Marlowe had gone to spread love and sunshine somewhere else did Rio lean
across me and whisper to Vivian.
"You rock!" Rio giggled gleefully. After all,
Rio and I had not apologized to Mrs. Marlowe because neither one of us believed
for a minute that she was 'an educator who only wishes the best for the student
body'. To that nameless entity, we owed a debt, and to Mrs. Marlow we owed a
generous 'fuck you,' and Vivian had made it all possible.
"Why, thank you, Rio," Vivian nodded her
acceptance of Rio's praise. "Jesus is the Peacemaker and we all should
attempt to emulate his teachings."
"So, I still don't get to lick you senseless?"
Rio snickered.
"No, no, you don't," Vivian smiled, even though
she didn't look at either of us. Vivian's going to rock as a mom.
The next half hour passed quietly. Everyone was curious
about the boxes but no one was too worried until a rumor suddenly appeared.
When it was suggested that they might have to put on bikinis, the fear set in.
I blamed, I don't know but I wish I had thought of it. I was still kicking
myself for the missed opportunity when my alien with the right face black and
left face white shows up with the right face white and left face black, Mhain
and Millicent.
"Death Match and you get to referee," Rio
teased me. "I'm so jealous; 500 bucks on the one with the soul."
Mhain glared hate at us while Millicent looked more than amused.
"Zane, come with us," Mhain gloated. I figured that
somehow my ordeal was coming to an end so I'd play along. I rose and they
steered me to the largest exit, flanking me.
Christina and Company grabbed their boxes and jumped up
quickly to follow me, though they looked as confused as I was, confirming none
of them were the architect of my discomfort. No sooner had we stepped into the
cool, sunlit lawn than everyone's phone rang, except mine. I was loving this,
right up there with having sandpaper buffing my sunburned abs.
"Open the box and follow the instructions,"
Christina informed me. "Is anyone going to do this?" My phone
vibrated once, then my whole body tingled before I could respond to the call.
"I am," Mhain gloated. "I was promised
something." She knelt and opened her box with enthusiasm; the others did
likewise but at a more sedate pace.
What came out of each box was almost identical, different
only in the anatomical part of the body indicated by the instructions. The
objects were all grapefruit-sized fur-balls that made darling little squeaks,
squeals and murmurs, amongst other sympathetic noises, all in tiny little
voices. They were to be placed on my body, but I didn't know how that would
work.
"Are we going to do this?" Chastity began to
say.
"It isn't sticky," Hope was also saying when
Mhain's flew out of her hand and hit the side of my left knee. She reached out
carefully to retrieve hers while the other girls circled in. The little
darlings were proving to be resilient little bastards. Several more leapt at me
from the hands of their owners.
All this time the furry grapefruit were giving little
'wee!' noises when they shot at me and screeched like demons when they were
removed, which was painful when they were on my flesh. I knew who was
responsible and she was going to pay, but not right now. I saw my closest
allies pulling back.
"TLM, Christina," I sighed in resignation.
"Let's get this over with." I was being totally self-sacrificial;
girls were starting to pile-up on us coming out of the Dining Hall. I didn't
want a riot. Mhain had technically tagged me first but not in the designated
spot, so I had Christina go first, she put one over my heart, not that I
thought Cordelia was stupid, but now she was just piling it on.
Mhain went next and she was sizzling and excited, she put
it on my lips, shutting me up. At least the girls were polite and organized
enough to come at me patiently. A few didn't get the 'memo' and their little
rug rats slipped out of their owner's grasp and got to play gleeful kamikaze as
they plowed into me.
It didn't hurt but I had this secret fear that the tiny
terrors would sprout fangs and tear into me. These little guys were murmuring
and mumbling and it wasn't until I was truly buried that a horrific realization
was made, the more that were on me, the greater their clinging power. In
retrospect, this would have been more useful if we hadn't passed the 700 mark.
I looked like a puffy, overweight, Sasquatch baby. I
could move but sitting down was a dream, as was running or going to the
bathroom. The damn things wouldn't shut up either. It fell to Hope and Iona to
hurry me (as much as possible) to Assembly; you know that place where I 'sit'
in front. At least no one could ask me anything with the expectation of
receiving an answer.
I no longer wondered how bad it could get; I knew it
would get worse, and while I didn't know how, I knew it would be soon. At the
start of Assembly my little friends joined in the singing, not using words but
in the tinny little noises they made, though admittedly they were enthusiastic
and determined. But it gets worse.
There was a discussion on stage after that fiasco about
removing me. Chancellor Bazz wanted me gone; Vice Chancellor Scarlett was not
in attendance but Virginia took up my cause. After all, it wasn't my fault, she
claimed.
"Well, Black, do something," the first three
rows heard Bazz demand of our Head of Security.
"I am not an engineer or a chemist," Black
replied. "Do you want me to shoot them off him?"
Oh, yeah, my girl Bazz wanted that, so bad. Of course,
what she really wanted was for Black to miss, but that wasn't going to happen.
Finally, the teachers decided to soldier on. When Chancellor Bazz stepped up to
begin services, the frightening fur-balls belted out 'Hail to the Chief.'
No one said a word, not a murmur. Chancellor Bazz stopped
and the munchkin chorus stopped too. Two more starts later and she gave up and
grudgingly took the 'praise' from my infestation. They were good throughout the
message and sermon but took up 'Hail to the Chief' when she tried to leave the
podium.
"Do something!" she screamed at Black. This
time, Gabrielle sedately headed my way. I didn't want to think of the pain
coming my way. My little buddies had my back. When she got within five feet the
all screamed, and I mean SCREAMED, in the loudest cacophony most of us present
had ever heard. I saw something I thought I would never see; Gabrielle
flinched.
Not so oddly, I was fine, hearing almost nothing. The
little guys on my ears soaked up the sound so I received a very watered-down
version of what they were doing. Gabrielle fell back and at the five foot mark,
the little guys shut up, mostly. They seemed to be making comforting noises to
one another, like one Zane-sized colony of brown mold.
"Get away from him; just get away from him,"
good old Doctor Melrose Bazz pleaded as she moved her hands away from her ears.
"Braxton, you stop this right now." I had a wee beastie on my mouth
and Bazz was not on the small list of people I would devour this thing for. If
she's looking for a conversation today, she's out of luck. She throws her hands
up in desperation and starts to storm off.
My little cock-sucking furry gonads (yes, I was getting
angry) fired up 'Hail to the Chief' yet again, and kept at it until she sat
down. Virginia got to thinking it's appropriate to call for the end of this
travesty but she's dealing with Cordelia Dresden, Top Gun of the Time Lord
Mafia. The weapon of choice; 'She's a Lady' by some guy named Tom Jones, the
ladies in my life will inform me about this later.
For a half a second she tries to fight her smile but she
surrenders, even letting the little guys go through the entire score before
talking. The little tinny voices were humming a song I didn't know but damn it,
it made me want to take Virginia out to a smoky Jazz club and dance until the
sun came up. Virginia actually started tapping her foot to rhythm and I began
thinking I might not be able to beat Cordelia. I'm not used to that sensation.
"Okay, now, whoever is doing this has put Zane
through enough and should remember that we should, as Christians, make students
feel safe and not make them subjects of humiliation," Virginia addressed
the student body. "I think we can end Assembly fifteen minutes early today
for a little bit of Christian charity. We can do it at Zane's first class, 204
Denning Hall."
By the way, I apparently have a play list. As Virginia
headed back, the fella's changed it up with 'Baby Got Back'. I wanted to die.
Virginia Goodswell has a truly fine ass, of this there is no doubt, I often
compare it to Barbie Lynn's, but please. Virginia stopped, turned toward me
with a dazzling smile and waggled her finger at me, then resumed her way to her
seat.
How is any of this my fault? I imagine I was lucky it
wasn't the Thong Song. I would have died, then come back as the undead to take
Cordelia to hell with me. It was with some relief that Vivian and Hope rallied
to my side. They had to both keep other students away, the other girls loved
poking me in different critters to make them call out in different pitches and
tenors, which was pleasant to hear if you liked overdosing on helium.
Surprise, surprise; no one came to my succor before
English class. I couldn't sit down. Okay, I tried, but any part of my body that
bent or that I sat on screamed bloody murder until I got off of it or stopped
putting on the press. I've heard about girlfriends like this but I've always
assumed I would have the courage to jump out of a 50 story building to escape.
What do you do if they come with you when you jump
besides basking in the vicarious thrill that comes from crushing half of them
beneath you before you go? I managed to do okay standing in the rear of the
class, only once giving in to the crushing fatigue of holding my arms somewhat
elevated for two hours. The two under my arms were especially cooperative and
didn't get too vocal when my arms did slip to my sides.
I couldn't do a thing about the occasional girl twisting
in her seat but either Raven's glare or Goodswell's cough brought their eyes
forward once more. At the end of class, Virginia decided to call Ms. Black and
have her take me to the Vice Chancellor's office to end this matter. Vivian and
Mercy provided support while Gabrielle kept her distance and cleared a path.
Rio helped out by playing my musical miscreants as if
they were a drum set while some part of the 700 members of my new posse and I
yelled at her to leave us alone. She really is my best friend. My tragically slow
pace was not my friend and everyone had to depart for their classes before I
finished the arduous travel to the Administration Building. Gabrielle's eyes
measuring you for a casket is a remarkable motivator but didn't stop Rio from
blowing a kiss to her