Hot take to start the show: every man who has ever lost his entire mind over a woman has blamed her for it. Two thousand years ago that energy started a civil war, ended with Julius Caesar getting stabbed 23 times on the Senate floor, and somehow left us remembering the smartest woman in the Mediterranean for her eyeliner and a snake.

This week Amanda and JoLynne take on Cleopatra VII, the last Pharaoh of Egypt, fluent in nine languages, queen at 18, mother to Caesar's only biological son, and the most successfully slandered woman in human history. Spoiler: according to the actual ancient source, she wasn't even that hot. She just out-talked every Roman in the room and they could not handle it.

In this episode:

• Fact or Follicle, a beauty quiz where we figure out which ancient Egyptian skincare routines were real and which Amanda made up in the shower (pubic wigs glued on with tree resin: tragically real)
• The Ptolemaic family tree, which is technically just a circle
• How a 21-year-old got herself smuggled into Julius Caesar's bedroom rolled up in a rug, which is either the most badass entrance in history or the most theater kid behavior of all time
• Red Flag or Roman Emperor, the dating game where Caligula keeps showing up
• Mark Antony, the original man who moved too fast, abandoned his Roman wife, and started minting coins with his side piece on them
• Octavian, a sickly little accountant who invented the political smear campaign and somehow still has us repeating his lies in 2026
• Why the snake story is biologically insane and what probably actually killed her (girl had a poison garden energy)
• A real ancient cocktail called The Cleopatra, which involved dissolving a pearl in vinegar to flex on a man at dinner

Also covered: lice horror stories, why Korean skincare is superior, Brendan Fraser appreciation, and the eternal question of whether sleeping in socks is a war crime.

Follow us on TikTok, Instagram, and Patreon at @BarelyHistorical for bonus episodes and our worst takes. Share this one with the guy who calls his situationship his queen, the friend doing a six-month Cleopatra skincare routine with nothing to show for it, and anyone currently losing it over a man who is, objectively, mid.

Let's ruin the past.