Initially, the term “codependency” was used within the context of the Twelve Steps. It described a pattern where family members and friends “enabled” the dysfunctional behavior of the alcoholic because of their enmeshment.

The word “codependency” is now widely used. It mainly describes relational dynamics where people have difficulty being themselves while being in the relationship. Mostly, they confuse interdependency and codependency.

Codependence vs. Interdependence

Interdependency is a normal, healthy, essential part of being human. It is not so for codependency. In codependent relationships, the partners have difficulty finding a balance between being themselves and being in the relationship. Instead of finding the right balance, codependent people are at the extreme. Either they are subsumed into the relationship or assert their independence aggressively and destructively.

Often, codependent people feel that they “should” be independent. It leads to black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking. Either you are independent to the point of being unrelated, or you are codependent!

But you cannot be both in a relationship and independent. The challenge is to be interdependent: recognizing that you need your partner and your partner needs you, but both also need to be individuals.

Being part of the couple vs. being a separate person

In any relationship, people are mutually dependent (that’s the very definition of a relationship). Therefore, people in a relationship will inevitably experience tension between the pull to see yourself as part of the couple and see yourself as a separate person.

Think of it as a slider on an electronic appliance:

– One end of the slider corresponds to the position where the only thing that counts is the couple;

– The slider’s other end corresponds to the situation where the only thing that counts is being a separate person.

Neither of these extreme positions is workable:

– If the only thing that counts is being a couple, you are stifled as a person.

– If the only thing that counts is being separate, then there is not much common ground for being a couple.

So, the slider needs to be someplace in between. This place will vary moment by moment, situation by situation.

This place is what codependent people have trouble with: They have difficulty with the flexibility of moment-by-moment adjustment. They are more likely to be in an all-or-nothing mode – – all accommodating to the other or seeing any demands of their partner’s as pure selfishness.

Conflicts (or lack thereof)

I am pointing out that there is an inherent conflict to being in a relationship. The art of relationships is to manage conflicts, not avoid them as if they were shameful “proof” that you are a dysfunctional couple. In fact, what is dysfunctional in a couple is to avoid conflicts. Growth lies in learning how to manage conflicts effectively.

In a healthy relationship, this can be dealt with openly. As a result, both partners can progressively feel more secure in the relationship. They can be more intimate at the same time as they grow as individuals.

With codependency, these issues are more challenging to deal with. Often, they are swept under the rug. Or they’re dealt with in an atmosphere poisoned by accusations of selfishness. Or one partner finds a way to intimidate the other. As a result, there is a growing backlog of resentment between the spouses.

A symptom of codependency is the extent to which desires and demands are not fully expressed, mostly hinted at. Usually, this is because there is a fear of conflict. If you ask for what you want, you fear that your partner will be hurt or angry, which will be unpleasant for you. On the other hand, you can’t bear to stay silent. So you say something,