Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life" is a sex-positive guide to understanding and embracing women's sexuality. Nagoski, a sex educator with a PhD in health behavior and human sexuality, aims to dispel myths and offer a science-based perspective on female sexual wellbeing. The book emphasizes that every woman is normal and healthy as they are.

Key Concepts

"Come As You Are" is divided into four parts:

• The (Not-So-Basic) Basics: This section covers the basic hardware: genitals, the brain, and the world. It emphasizes that genitals are healthy and beautiful just as they are. The book also introduces the dual control model of sexual response, which includes both the accelerator and the brakes.
• Sex in Context: This part explores how emotions, relationships, feelings about one's body, and attitudes toward sex influence sexual responsiveness. It emphasizes that external circumstances and mental state are crucial to sexual wellbeing.
• Sex in Action: This section debunks myths about sexual response. It explains why arousal may not always align with genital response and introduces the concept of "responsive desire".
• Ecstasy for Everybody: This final section focuses on making sex entirely your own to create peak sexual ecstasy. It emphasizes that how you feel about your body is more important than the parts you are made of.

Challenging Cultural Messages

Nagoski challenges three core cultural messages about women's sexuality:

• The moral message (you are evil).
• The medical message (you are diseased).
• The media message (you are inadequate).

She argues that these messages are harmful and emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, cognitive dissonance, and media literacy to create positive change.

The Dual Control Model

The book introduces the dual control model, which describes the balance between sexual excitation and inhibition in the brain. This model suggests that both "brakes" and "accelerator" systems affect sexual arousal. The value in understanding this model is recognizing these two separate systems. Some factors activate the accelerator, while others activate the brakes.

Responsive Desire

Nagoski introduces the concept of responsive desire, explaining that desire is arousal in context, not a spontaneous drive. Understanding that sex is an incentive motivation system will improve everyone's sex life.

Arousal Nonconcordance

"Come as You Are" explains that sexual arousal may or may not have anything to do with what's happening in your genitals. Arousal nonconcordance is normal and healthy.

The One Ring

The One Ring is a metaphor for a cluster of emotional responses including enjoying, expecting, and eagerness, where all emotional responses like sex, stress, love, and disgust compete, interact, and influence each other.

Practical Tools

The book includes worksheets and activities to help readers apply the science to their own lives. For example, there is a worksheet to help identify contexts that activate the "brakes" and "accelerator". There are also exercises to promote body positivity and self-compassion.

Key Takeaways

• You are normal: The book emphasizes that there is a wide range of normal when it comes to sexuality.
• Context matters: External circumstances and internal state significantly impact sexual wellbeing.
• Self-compassion is essential: Self-criticism can reduce sexual pleasure, so it's important to treat yourself with kindness.
• Challenge cultural messages: Recognize and reject harmful cultural messages about sex and body image.
• Embrace your sexuality: Embrace your sexuality as it is, without judgment or shame.

Conclusion

"Come As You Are" provides a science-based framework for understanding and improving women's sexual wellbeing. By dispelling myths, challenging cultural messages, and offering practical tools, this book empowers women to embrace their sexuality and create fulfilling sex lives.

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