Key Points, Top Takeaways and Memorable Quotes -

“It’s being able to get to the root of communication, so that the emotion doesn’t get us off track.” 2:21

“If you as a receiver can let somebody feel understood, feel heard, there’s 90% of the problem.” 2:48

“When you’re the receiver in a conversation, in communication, your job is to keep everything about the sender.” 6:12

“If we can work together shoulder to shoulder, then we’re a team.” 10:11

“Neither one of us can be completely self-focused and expect a relationship to work.” 10:41

“For women in particular, the magic combination for communication is to be assertive and warm as opposed to aggressive.” - Ann @ 11:17

“If it’s not equally beneficial, then your approach was not assertive.” 20:13

“Getting through the divorce amicably, in a healthy, effective way, is simply more pleasant than fighting.” 21:24

“If you transact primarily with your partner, you’re going to have problems.  It’s going to become an arrangement.” 26:12

“If we think we are going to have a happy relationship, we must relate and not just transact.” 26:46

“If a transactional approach is to accomplish something, a relational approach is to hold concern for my partner.” 28:06

“Men naturally transact and women more naturally relate.” 31:59

“Every interaction we have with people is some degree of intimacy.” 39:22

“Sex addiction is not a problem with sex, it’s a problem with intimacy.” 44:46

“If you don’t keep your emotional intimacy more developed than your physical intimacy, then there’s going to be problems because physical intimacy lends itself more to a transaction and emotional intimacy is more relating to each other.” 46:00

“Hold off on the physical intimacy until we can develop more emotional intimacy.” 47:52

“Sex is more effectively used by reflecting that intimacy rather than creating it, so if there’s a bond between two people, sex can only reflect that bond. Not create the bond.” 49:43

“If you’re dealing with narcissism, I can’t change this person, but what I can change are the boundaries that I set, the boundaries that I keep, and I can work to become more assertive than passive.” 52:24

“Self care means I’m going to benefit people around me every bit as much as I’m benefitting myself, that’s why it’s still part of other-focused.” 53:49

“The protocol, in simple terms, is looking at the things that you want to accomplish, things that are going to make you a better person, the person that you want to be, and just tracking how much you’re doing these things versus the things that are drawing you away from that stuff.” 56:14

“If you have a narcissistic partner, it really helps you take the focus off them and puts it back on taking care of yourself.” 1:01:12

Guest Bio - Kevin's favorite parts of being a therapist are helping men get free of problem sexual behavior and helping people with their relationships. He's licensed as a marriage and family therapist and also opened a coaching practice for those who like a more-casual, less-fixed approach. He especially enjoys relationship coaching and recovery coaching.

Show Notes -

0:00 - Divorce Hacker Intro

0:49 - Introducing Kevin Bergen

1:15 - Effective Communication Tools for Couples

10:52 - Solutions for Passive Aggressive Communication

15:21 - How to Use the Interaction Dial with Your Clients

22:29 - How to Avoid the Roommate Phase in Marriage

34:51 - A Discussion on the Meaning of Intimacy

43:58 - Overcoming Sex Addiction

51:20 - How to Break Free From A Narcissist

55:25 - The Bergen Protocol: How to Achieve Your Goals

1:01:37 - Thank You & Divorce Hacker Closing

For more about Ann Grant and Family Law Center of Southern California, please visit: https://www.famlawsc.com/

Links & Where to Find Kevin -

Clinical website: www.kevinbergen.com

Coaching website: www.CourageousDecisions.com

The Bergen Protocol by Kevin Bergen