In my prior business, a colleague stepped into my office and said, “Gregg, I thought you’d want to know this. I just overheard John telling another employee that he didn’t make any sales calls yesterday & has no intentions of doing anything this week.”

At the time, John was one of three salespeople for the office, and he was the most experienced of the three. John & I had had a conversation a few days earlier where he requested time off with pay, even though he had used all of his vacation & personal leave days.

I offered that he was welcome to take the days off, but declined his request for them to be with pay because I wanted our policies to be mutually applied to everyone. I didn’t want certain people to get privileges that others did not get. John had left my office visibly disappointed and angry that his request was not granted. He said he had worked hard and deserved recognition for his work by getting some days off with pay.

So now, as I reflected on the words of my colleague, I was observing what was going on in me. I was angry.

I was telling myself “How can he do this kind of crap at a time when we really need some sales?! … So I’m paying him to sit back there and tell other people that he’s not going to do anything?! … that S.O.B. … can’t he see the bigger picture?! … I don’t have time for crap like this! … He’s got to go! …”

I could have acted out of the anger that I felt, and he likely would have been fired and out of the building within a few minutes.

In my anger I would have voiced my judgments of him, fired him, and ended our mostly positive four-year relationship — and lose our most experienced salesperson. And it likely would have led to diminished trust and increased fear among other staff as well.

But I didn’t.

Instead as I was aware of my anger, and the rush of heat & punishing energy that was flowing through my body, I paused long enough to remember: “anger is an alarm … a warning that I am not connected to my needs.” I realized I had a choice as to what to do next. But what is my need? I struggled to become aware of it, but it came.

I needed understanding for how hard it was to keep the business sustained in the midst of an industry recession … I wanted solidarity in our mission … I needed trust that everyone was engaged in the task at hand.

As I focused on these needs, I noticed my feelings of anger were gone, replaced by disappointment and concern.

It was at this point that I asked John if he would join me for a conversation. Once he sat down, I shared what my colleague had said, and let him know that I wanted to understand what was going on. He told me he was still angry about the earlier conversation we had had … how he wanted recognition for the years of work he had contributed to the organization in this very simple way: 2 days off with pay.

I said, “So you want recognition for the years of service you’ve had here. You want to know that your work is valued and appreciated. Is that right?”

“You bet. And all I want for it all is a measly two days off with pay. That’s all.”

“So you want to trust that your work here is valued, and what would really help you have that trust is if you could get 2 days off with pay.”

“That’s right!”

I asked him, “Is there anything more that you want me to hear?”

“I guess that’s it … I just want two days off with pay.”

I paused a few seconds to see if he had anything to add. Then I said, “John, when I hear your request for two days off with pay, I feel a knot in my stomach because I want our policies to apply to everyone mutually. I don’t want certain people here to have privileges that aren’t available to everyone. … Would you tell me what you’re hearing me say?”

“You’re saying you don’t value my work enough to give me two measly days off.”

“Thanks for telling me what you heard. I’m wanting to express something different than that. It’s about me, not you. It’s about how I’m feeling tied in knots because I value mutuality here in our workplace. … Are you hearing that it’s about me?

“Yeah,” he paused for a moment. “That you want the rules to apply the same to everybody.”

“That’s it. And I get worried if it sounds like somebody is getting special privileges because I value a workplace where the rules are applied to all.”

“I hear what you’re saying, but it still seems like a pretty small request …”

“Do you want understanding that your request is reasonable, in fact, more than reasonable?

“Yeah, I mean I’m not asking for a pay raise or a company car … just two days off with pay.”

“Well, I’m wondering if you would be willing to explore with me if we can find a way to meet both your need for recognition of your value here, and my need for the rules to be applied mutually. Would you be willing to try that? …”

————

Notice how different this dialogue is than the one where I might have fired him out of anger … which, by the way, I had done on a number of occasions in my 19-year tenure as CEO of my company.

When we develop the skills to notice our triggers of disconnection and consciously choose to connect to the mutual needs involved, then everyday workplace situations like the example above become transformative moments of heightened mutual understanding and trust.

As it turned out with the example above, it became increasingly clear to me over the next few weeks that John fulfilling the role of salesperson was not working out, and I chose to terminate the employment relationship with John only three weeks after the above conversation.

But when that happened, it came from a place of sadness and disappointment, not anger. I was also able to give space to hear John’s reaction, and to hold John’s needs as he transitioned to a new workplace. Though that work relationship ended, we have remained in contact over the past six years where we have explored other potential work relationships together and referrals into other workplaces. The relationship is still strong.

(Originally published on medium.com on Feb 24, 2020)

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