Conversations With Cinthia

The phrase “good vibes” has been around for a few decades now, and it is sometimes associated with cultural eccentricity.  In fact, however, the phrase can be associated with electricity because the human body has electrical currents that travel up to 120 meters per second.  The electricity in our bodies is real, and it is impacted by our habits, particularly those that involve mental hygiene.  If you want to boost your positive vibes quickly, here are ten things you can do.  Some of them may sound similar, but the nuances are different.

1. Think positively.  This does not mean brainwashing yourself to believe what is not true or ignoring what needs to be fixed, but it does mean you look for what is really, truly good instead of automatically assuming the bad.
2. Strengthen your memory for positive information. Your brain wants to help you by detecting threats early, so it often holds onto the negative memories.  But you can purposely direct your brain to remember the positive things, too.  Use recall for good.
3. Stop minimizing your successes.  Often we do this out of an attempt to be polite or humble, but dismissing what is good is not really either one.  Your successes are important, and it might not look like anyone else’s successes.  What is big for you?  Wins are different for every single human.  Do not push away compliments. 
4. Exercise control of your thoughts. Thinking changes the brain.  Take control of your own mind.  Think of your brain like a self-driving car: it can do lots of cool things and definitely has an autopilot function, but you still need to be at the wheel to be safe and use autopilot effectively. 
5. Use negativity wisely. Some things are truly bad.  Some negative thoughts are true and need to be acknowledged.  This is different than using negativity as your default.  Acknowledge reality, and move in the best direction you can in response to it.
6. Practice gratitude. Your brain and body love it; gratitude does wonderful things for them. 
7. Accept and validate your own feelings, but don’t believe everything they tell you. Remember, feelings are very real, but they are not always true.  Gather the information they offer, but sort it through before making decisions.
8. Accept that pain is inevitable and that you can choose gain in the pain. Many of us today want to avoid pain at all costs, but pain is often part of achieving important things.
9. Control your behavior. Adults do this.  We accept that children are learning to control themselves and will not always succeed, but, if you are an adult, hold yourself accountable as an adult.    
10. Judge yourself in a helpful way in order to determine what to do differently, rather than a condemning way that uses past mistakes to self-shame or beat yourself up. Acknowledging reality allows you to forgive yourself and move forward, making right what you can and accepting that you cannot change the past. 

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There are a lot of ideas about truth.  Some people think it does not exist; some think it cannot be known.  Some see it as personal and encourage speaking “your truth” as if the word “truth” were the same as the words “experience” or “perspective.”  This is not a new phenomenon; when Jesus told Pilate that He had come into the world “to bear witness to the truth” and that “everyone who is of the truth listens to [His] voice,” Pilate dismissed His statements with the philosophical question, “What is truth?” and went on to hand Jesus over for crucifixion.

But truth does exist, and it is powerful.  In John 14:6, Jesus calls Himself “the truth.”  In John 8:31b-32, He said, “If you abide in My word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  These are powerful statements that say much about the identity of Jesus, the purpose and destiny of human beings, and the relationship with Him that God offers.  The latter also tells us that one of the qualities of truth is its ability to free us – lies can relieve the pain of our chains for a little while, but truth can set us free.

There is nothing more painful, freeing, cleansing, elevating, or grounding than the truth.  We love the truth and hate it, need it and run from it.  Truth can be hard to hear, hard to say, and hard to accept.   The freedom it offers is not necessarily a freedom from pain.   Have you ever had one of those moments in which you realized something was true and could not deny it, and it was tough, and it hurt, but it also gave you relief because you knew it was real?  The pain of truth is better than the numbness or temporary satisfaction we get from self-deception.

It is true that we all have our own experiences, and these can be very powerful.  We sometimes need to understand the reality of one another’s experiences.  These experiences can include feelings and thoughts that are very real, but acknowledging the reality of our feelings and thoughts is not the same as saying that they are true, or that the messages they give us are true.  Our feelings and thoughts do not always tell us the truth.  And, while validating our feelings as real can give us a certain amount of freedom, believing all the messages that can come with those feelings only binds us again—that, is if the messages are not true.  God tells us that truth sets us free.  As painful as it seems, it always feels better.  It’s the lies that bind us up.  When we are in truth, we realize God is not trying to beat us up.  He is trying to help us.

Cinthia discussed her own experiences of this.  There were things she believed about herself that seemed so real, but they were not true.  She did not want to face the truth about some things in her life, and she even lied out of fear.  Admitting what was true was painful, but, when God brought her face-to-face with the things she had not wanted to admit or acknowledge, she found it set her free.  Many of these truths were about who she was and how He made her.  She advises, “Do not be afraid and push back when God is telling you the truth.”  God never lies.  He is for His people, not against us.  He is a good, gracious, patient, kind God Who never fails and is always available.  When He brings us into contact with hard truth, it is because He loves us.  He made us to live in the truth.  When we walk in the truth, we are in clarity and reality—actual reality.  We see more clearly.  We make better decisions.  Finding out who we each are and contending with all the proclivities we each have is important.  The truth is always our best friend; it is not created by God to harm us.  We think it will kill us, but it makes us free. 

Truth is not painless.  God’s love for us does not mean life will be easy.  Think of Jesus on the cross; He died naked, bloody, beaten, scorned.  He did that so we would not have to face the judgment that was ours to face.  God knows what it is like to feel afraid to the point of sweating blood, to be completely misunderstood and dismissed, to do the right thing and have nobody care.  He is closer to us than a friend or family member.  He goes with us as we face truth, and we have His strength on which to lean when truth is too big for us.

Truth needs no other supports -- it can stand alone, does not have to be expressed or experienced to be real, and does not need help in any way -- but it is at its best and most powerful when infused with love.  There is an old saying that “truth without love destroys, love without truth deceives, but truth with love develops.”  Jesus showed us the truth, giving His life for us and demonstrating His love for us.  Truth can be sharp, and it is not meant to be a weapon we use for our own aggrandizement or vengeance.  Sometimes we need to ask ourselves why we are verbalizing particular truths at particular times.  We are to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), not to throw out mean, thoughtless, or spiteful comments in the name of “just being honest.”  We should speak words that set people free and give them courage, not words that use pieces of truth to put others underneath us.  We must consistently ask God if we are supposed to speak truth to particular people at particular times rather than simply speaking every piece of truth that comes into our heads.

If the truth makes us free, why are we afraid of it?  Fear is normal for us, and it makes us want to protect ourselves.  But avoiding the truth keeps us from being true to ourselves.  The worst thing we can do to ourselves is to lie to ourselves.  The truth wants to be found out.  It likes to be seen so it can set us free.  We can either work with the truth or fight against it. 

Part of the truth is making friends with your own body.  Our bodies work so hard for us, but we often harm them.  God made your body for you.  Cinthia learned this when God finally said to her, “Who are you to talk back to me about how I made you?”  You are a created being.  He did not consult you about how He made you.  He likes how He made you, and He loves interacting with you.  You can be truthful with Him about not liking what you are experiencing, but you are ultimately going to have to accept how He made you.  As He told Cinthia, He tells us, “I made you for ME.  I knew you before you were formed.  I like how I made you.”  We belong to Him because He made us, and He made each of us on purpose because He wanted to do so.  God knows you down to the very, very depths of your soul.  He knows every neuron in your body.  He is happy that He made you.  He wants to be with you forever.  He wants you to care about yourself as much as He cares about you.  He really loves His people.  You are beautifully and wonderfully made.  This is seeing from God’s perspective.  We do not know how long He will give us on the earth, but when Truth sets us free, we become able to help others in the ways we were meant to do while we are here.

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oday’s topic is the neuroplasticity of the brain and how we can use it to take charge of our own thought processes.  Cinthia opened today with a quote usually attributed to Albert Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.”  We see the problems that occur with repeating behaviors that are not working, but what about our thoughts?  Our brains create what are called “neural nets,” or networks of brain cells that learn to fire in succession in response to outside stimuli; these are often compared to superhighways in the brain.  This creates habits of thought that we often do not even notice because we are so used to them.  For example, the phone rings, and you see a particular name on the screen.  What thoughts go through your head automatically?  The stimulus happens, the thoughts begin… and, before you know it, you are traveling down that old familiar superhighway with its familiar assumptions and other habits of thought.  And every time you travel the highway, it gets reinforced, becoming more entrenched and powerful in your brain and your life.  Thus, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions to stimuli, but we can take control of this process and retrain our brains to respond differently.

Sarah Gibson has written about this concept with the old computer-inspired idea of GIGO: “Garbage in, garbage out.”  We can, she emphasizes, decide what ideas to feed ourselves.  We can decide which thoughts to dwell on.  We can reroute the garbage truck, so to speak, and actively work to take the “trash” out of our brains.  We can create bypasses to help us stop traveling the superhighways that are not helping us.  God made our brains to work for us, not against us.  Are you a lazy thinker?  Challenge your own thoughts and feelings.  Update and maintain your own roads.  Take responsibility for the roads you travel.  Clean up the negativities, the lies, the assumptions.  Reroute the garbage truck.  All of this is easier to say than to do, but it is well worth the work.

First, start to notice the neural nets that exist for you.  In what areas do you quickly find yourself starting down a familiar thought/feeling/reaction path?  Cinthia discussed her own struggle with mental “superhighways” related to an eating disorder that began early in her life; for her, there are still triggers to follow a mental track related to fears of being fat, triggers she has to consciously and intentionally resist.  We may have perceptions about why other people do what they do, and our thoughts on this reinforce our judgments and assumptions about others.  Some people have superhighways related to fears of trusting anyone.  Sometimes we think we know what will happen in a situation because we believe that is what “always” happens, but we may actually be overgeneralizing.  What are your superhighways?  What are your triggers to jump on those ramps, and what thoughts and feelings occur in response to those triggers? 

Once you identify some patterns, the first thing to do is learn to pause.  To continue our superhighway analogy, pull your mental “car” over into a safe spot and take a minute to examine what just happened and where you are now headed.  Question your immediate emotional response.  Seek different information.  Find out what else there is to know.  Clarify with the person who made a comment; what did they mean by that?  Remember, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions based on emotional response.  Remember, feelings are very real, but they are not always true.  Don’t believe everything you think!

We can retrain our reactions, but it is also important to recognize that some superhighways in our minds are so entrenched that we may struggle with them for a very long time, just as Cinthia described still having to resist eating-disordered thoughts decades after she has stopped living as an eating-disordered person.  Especially when we are dealing with roads that were formed when we were young or roads that were formed through trauma or deep wounding, roads we have traveled for years or as a way to avoid other painful roads, there may always be a first reaction, an impulse to get on the “ramp” toward the series of thoughts and behaviors the brain has learned to enact in response to parts of life. The brain may still go to the old road automatically, but, remember, you can teach your brain to hit the brakes before heading down the superhighway.  Work on construction of the new bypass system.  Every time you travel the old roads, you make them stronger, but every time you take yourself down a new path, you help to construct and strengthen that new route.  We have more control over our own thoughts than we give ourselves credit for.

One thing that can help us as we try to build new roads is a back-to-basics approach toward what is important.  This approach stresses simplicity, focuses on the essentials, and proactively moves us toward the things that make the most difference.  It helps us do what matters instead of getting bogged down in unnecessary complexity.  If you think simplifying life could help you, consider these practical steps:

1. Identify the things that add unnecessary complexity, busy-ness, and overwhelm to your life and work. What really matters to you, and what hijacks your time and energy away from those things?
2. Create a plan to reduce or eliminate those things. (This may involve some grief and loss.)
3. Identify things that are most efficient and effective, the things that make the most difference toward helping you accomplish what really matters.
4. Create a plan to maximize those things.
5. Put boundaries in place to protect these changes.

Cinthia shared several verses from Proverbs that offer simple principles we can use to identify what is helping or hurting us, including Proverbs 10:9, 10:17, 14:15, 16:25, 27:6, and 27:12.  She also offered some questions to ask ourselves, such as the following:  Have I considered the possible outcomes for my course of action, or am I just excited about an idea and hoping that it works?  Do I think I am the exception to a rule in some area?  Sometimes we need to relearn basic truths about God in order to be able to let go of things that are getting in the way of what is best for us.  God’s heart is never geared toward depriving us or taking away what is truly good; He wants the best for us.  But sometimes we hold on to what we think is best, and it keeps us from enjoying the gifts He really wants to give us.  So find some verses or sayings and implement them into your life.  Remind yourself of what you know.  Don’t just let life happen to you.  Be committed to yourself—to your actual good, not your immediate gratification.  The more committed you are to yourself, the less it will take to maintain and care for yourself over time. 

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How do you approach the issue of trusting others?  Every human being is a risk.  This does not necessarily mean that we are all dangerous at deep levels, but it does mean we are fallible and that we have the capacity and potential to hurt and fail one another.  We all yearn for acceptance, accept ugly things, and are still trying to figure out who we are supposed to be. 

We have trouble trusting God because we forget that God never lies.  He is perfect.  He loves His creation to the point of death.  He has experienced more harm, offense, and pain than anyone else has ever experienced, and He continues to experience our selfishness, greed, and immaturity.  In many ways, we are not a good risk for God, yet He risks relationship with us.  Jesus is the Word Who became flesh and dwelt among us (John 1); He brings us back to God the Father.  God is a good Father.  We can hold Him accountable for His words, and we must not disrespect Him. 

As difficult as trust can be, we are wired for it.  We cannot help but trust in some way.  We trust that the sun will come up each morning.  We trust our safety systems and the people around us enough to fall asleep, which is an almost completely vulnerable state.  We trust the chairs in which we sit, the cars we drive, etc.  Trust is the biggest problem we have because life requires trust.  Even our pets have to deal with the issue of trust.

Some people are better risks than others.  Are you a good risk for other people?  Do you lie to them?  Do you return phone calls, gossip, etc.?  Before you judge others --family, friends, even the government -- recognize that we all have the abovementioned yearning for acceptance.  We also want to feel trusted and want to feel safe.  Developing and maintaining trust in a relationship is an ongoing process.  Sometimes we need to qualify our statements so that we can be clear in developing trust instead of making sweeping generalizations, etc.  Sometimes we need to explore rifts and apologize when we mess up.  Sometimes we need to acknowledge challenges to our trustworthiness. 

Jesus is our model of trustworthiness.  He is kind and strong.  When He was on earth, He did not judge inappropriately but always held the line, so to speak.  Even so, people had trouble believing in His love until He died for us, and, even now, we often struggle to trust that the One Who was willingly tortured to death for us and then overcame death is trustworthy.  Like children, we continue to question His love every time we experience pain or simply do not get what we want.  We constantly want Jesus to prove who He is, even though He has already done this.

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Feelings are very real but not always true.  They are real because they are actual sensations that are really happening in your body, often related to the chemicals your body is creating and releasing.  However, the thoughts that often come in tandem with our feelings can be untrue.  Feelings do give us information, and some of it can be true.  However, feelings are not reliable to give only true information.  Because of this, we can experience a sense of emotional flooding that makes us kind of emotionally “drunk,” struggling to use good judgment because we are overwhelmed by sensations that seem to support ideas.

Because of this, we sometimes want to get rid of feelings altogether.  Feelings, however, can be seen as trying to help us.  Feelings are not bad or good; they are morally neutral tools that require skill and discernment for proper use.  We decide what to do with them.  We are responsible to consider what each feeling indicates and to ask whether the messages we are receiving from them are true.  Feelings can go awry, as in the case of anorexia, and we can misinterpret the information they present.  Make friends with your feelings, and recognize them as tools in your toolbox, rather than as your god or your guide through everything in life.  You have to decide which messages to believe, whether and how to express them, etc.  Learn how to use the tools well.  You do not need a sledgehammer for to accomplish a gentle nudge.  Do not simply allow the strongest feelings to make themselves most heard without discerning what is real.  We have more control over our feelings than we think we do.  They are just feelings; we are the people who manage them.  Be the grownup in your own body. 

God made human beings to develop something we call an observing self as we grow toward adulthood.  Ideally, the observing self is like an internal coach, cheerleader, friend, and helper.  Ideally, it is not critical but speaks the truth in love, telling us what the rules are, what will help and hurt us, etc.  The observing self can help us become more what God made each of us to be.  However, sometimes we develop an internal critic that overrides the helpful function and is shaming instead; this can be especially true for people who have grown up with abuse, neglect, or other trauma, particularly trauma involving central adults in their lives.  Do you have an internal critic that is hurting you more than helping you?  How much is it costing you?  Where did it come from?  Think about the term critic; it usually connotes an outsider with ambitions of his own, one that has a job when more material is produced.  A critic is not there for the person producing and has no responsibility to that person.  However, our internal critics are inside of us; we can fire them if they are not helping us.  A critic simply offers an opinion, however educated that opinion might be.  We do not have to believe or agree with everything that comes from a critic; we do not have to accept a critic’s opinions as facts when they are not facts.  In this context, Cinthia discusses a blog written by Anne Midgette for The Washington Post about the need for art critics to be responsible; this can mean doing one’s best to convey a sense of what is happening in the field by describing all the many sides of it, fostering dialogue, etc.  Is your internal critic helpful?  Does it foster helpful exploration inside of your mind, or does it simply disparage you?

Strong feelings can arise when dealing with the internal critic, and breathing is critical for managing these.  Therapists know that the shallower our breathing, the more we will tend to believe all our feelings.  Feelings can spike our adrenaline, but oxygen helps the body lower adrenaline.  Relax your shoulders and breathe; then decide whether to engage with feedback from the internal critic.  You do not have to believe everything it says.  Just because something sounds or feels true, comes from someone you like, etc., does not necessarily mean you should accept it as fact.  You choose which things to believe; what are your criteria for this?  Perfectionism makes it hard to believe praise. 

As an alternative, Cinthia discussed Dr. Kristin Neff’s concept of self-compassion, which has the potential to move us out of our own threat systems and into safety.  She also encouraged learning how God thinks of us, likening him to the “kindergarten cop” in the movie by that name.  He wants us to explore, learn, test, and discover how He feels about His children; He allows us to play.  But He is strong in the midst of our explorations. 

In American, individuals frequently dislike themselves and try to change who they are in more and more radical ways.  We have to learn to accept that we are created beings.  We did not make ourselves, and God did not consult us when He made us.  God puts so much thought into what He creates, and He likes the way He makes us, though sin can warp our expressions of that creation.  We must learn to respect God’s creative authority.  It is incredibly arrogant to tell God we do not like what He made and are going to alter it ourselves; He put thought, love, and creativity into the design of each person—including you.  He alone has the right to define us and say who we are; what artist would be okay with someone telling him his or her work should be changed from the artist’s idea to someone else’s?  Romans 9:19-20 asks who we are, as human beings, to talk back to God, like clay vessels demanding of the Potter, “Why did You make me like this?”  God is brilliant and does not need us the way we tend to think, which frees Him to love us the way He does.

You are a created being.  Somebody had to come up with the idea of you.  Explore, learn, test, play, and discover how He feels about you; respect the Creator and the fact that He created you.  Consider that there may be Someone bigger and smarter than you are and that He loves you.  He is the only One who can tell you who you are, and He overrides your internal critic.

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Do you let people love you?  Do you let them know you?  Love takes time.  There are some acts of love, mercy, grace, and kindness that require very little and can be accepted without any commitment.  When someone opens the door for you in the store, smiles at you, or lets you have a parking place, you can generally accept it without trying to interpret their motives.  There are others acts of love that are more reaching and involve covering a multitude of sins.  We want to run from our proclivities, but God in His perfection is willing to be with us and cover for us while we work on repentance and change.  Accept the love and mercy that is being offered to you; do not reject goodness.  Do not insult the person who tries to give you something good.  It is okay to be uncomfortable while you practice receiving graciously.

Do you worry about accepting anyone’s niceness?  Do you reject their little gifts of grace to you for fear that there will be strings attached later?  It can be so much easier to accept good things from people we do not know, people who are unlikely to be there later, because we see little chance of having to repay them in the future.  But in most cases we do not have to read minds and interpret motives; we can simply say, “Thank you,” authentically without trying to read between the lines.  If we find later that there were strings attached, after all, we can simply say, “I wish I had known that you were wanting that in return.  What can I do now?”  Usually, continuing to live as a changed person in response to the kindness is the best repayment.  If you think that you do not deserve it, take a deep breath and say, “It’s not about me.”  This can help you not to steal from others the reward of being kind.  Work on accepting compliments, even if you do not believe them right now.

Love covers a multitude of sins.  It is not the same as enabling.  Love does not expose our ugliness while we are working on repentance and change.  It is a gift of grace that comes from God.  God knows the depth and darkness of our thoughts and actions, and He does not put time limits on our changing.  We do not have to get it all figured out before we go to God; in fact, He would rather we come to Him messy.  (Our own attempts to clean up the mess without Him generally just make things worse.) 

And, remember, you can show love to others, too.  You do not have to love perfectly in order for someone’s life to be changed.  Loving someone is not always an ongoing commitment; you can start with small acts of kindness throughout the day.  Practice I Corinthians 13 on yourself.  The more you are willing to engage with this kind of love, receiving the love of God and loving yourself well, the more you will be able to love others.  Practice love.  Do not wait for perfection.  You can apologize when wrong.  God is the Father that is with you. 

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Do you struggle with letting others love you?  Today Cinthia reviews some important concepts about letting others love you.  We all need grace, kindness, even smiles; you can receive and give these things.  The better your boundaries are, the more loving you can be.  Extending grace does not mean the person owes you something.  I Corinthians 13, as well as other verses about the love of God, give us a picture of what love means.  God is kind; you be kind.  Practice kindness toward strangers and toward those close to you, honoring appropriate boundaries; receive kindnesses in the same way. 

Kindness shown does not necessarily mean that one person owes another something.  Deciding for others what they are expecting in return is a boundary violation.  You do not have to read the minds of others.  Don’t allow suspicion to steal from you or from those who try to give you something.  It is okay to ask or to offer payment, but, often, the best repayment for someone’s kindness is continuing to live as a changed person.  It is okay to just say “thank you.”  Don’t insult the giver of a gift because you believe your own negative feelings.  If it turns out someone has attached strings without telling you, you can always say, “I am glad you told me.  I did not know that you were expecting or needing that.  I can/cannot do that.” 

Another piece of love is covering.  Covering is a gift of grace; it is different than enabling or keeping harmful secrets.  God covers us while we let Him change us, while we work on doing the things He gives us to address.  Covering can minimize the damage and allow the person to fix what he or she has broken; it refuses to expose the person while he or she is working on repentance and change.  This does not mean that we have to make long checklists of ways the person has to prove themselves and that we have to expose them otherwise.  In close relationships, we may need to address situations in which people are not trying to change, but, in general, it is not our business.  God is with us as we change and is infinitely patient with our mistakes.  Allow those who love you to support you as you learn to be the best version of yourself. 

Love can be scary because we need it so badly.  We are wired to attach.  But trying to read the minds of others in order to protect ourselves is not as effective as we might think.  Learn to be a safe person and to love who God made you to be.  Extend kindness and grace to yourself and others, and receive it from those who offer it.  There is no promise you will not get hurt, but God is with His people and will take care of you through it.

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Humans deeply need love and acceptance, so it may be surprising that they can have so much trouble accepting it.  People may turn away compliments, shut down attempts to get to know them, or reject others before they can be rejected.  How can beings who so desperately need relationships with other humans fight so hard against it?  Why do people shut down, keep distance, run at the first sign of disagreement, dismiss compliments, or refuse help that would truly make a positive difference in life?

The fear of acceptance is often closely bound with the fear of rejection.  Accepting the acceptance of another person can feel wrong to someone whose negative core beliefs include beliefs in their own worthlessness, etc.  It can feel threatening to someone who fears having the newfound love and acceptance pulled away from them later when more is revealed and vulnerability is increased.  Acceptance can also trigger fear of being overwhelmed by another and losing one’s own identity.

Good boundaries can allow us to accept love from others more readily.  For example, when you know that accepting a compliment does not mean owing the one who gave the compliment, you can simply say, “Thank you!” and take the compliment.  Without fearing undisclosed strings, you can reasonably accept appropriate help, gifts, or encouragement; if strings turn out to be attached, you can communicate your wish that this had been made known earlier and can discuss ways to settle things in the present.  You can use the information available to make the best decision possible regarding the acceptance of love and help from others.  In contrast, constant fear of obligation can lead to dismissing truly well-intentioned and beautiful gifts from others.  Knowing yourself and having a foundation for your own identity can enable you to enter relationships with others without that you will lose who you are.

Two relationship styles that are rooted in early attachment experiences are avoidant, which involves avoiding intimacy or obligation, and ambivalent, which involves maintaining complicated mental dances and giving “come-here-go-away” messages.  A third, known as disorganized, can involve even more extreme defenses against vulnerability and can even become more offensive than defensive.  All of these can happen when we learn early to fear the very thing we need: human relationship.

If you have difficulty accepting the acceptance of others, begin by accepting yourself.  Difficulty accepting yourself can make it hard to trust others who accept you.  Engage with God, and ask Him for help to accept the way He made you, as well as to allow Him to change things about you that are not what He originally designed.  Regarding the way He made you, accept that you are a created being and that God did not consult you about the way He made you.  Nor should He have done so.  He likes the way He made you.  You can resist it, or you can learn to love what He loves about you.  Satan influenced human beings not to revere God as our Creator, but, when we reject the plan of our Creator, we reject ourselves.  Accepting God’s will gives us grounds to accept who we actually are, but this can be so difficult to learn to do.  So say to God, “I don’t understand why You love me, like me, know how to do this, etc.  I need Your help.”

We all get hurt.  The healthier we get, the more insight and options we have.  Be aware of your feelings when you get scared, and be gentle with them.  Take a breath.  See how it feels to experience acceptance.  Recognize your fear of not being able to keep the acceptance.  Accept that you are not God, and recognize that the One Who is loves you.  Notice the shame operating and remind yourself of the truth.  Shame blocks us from seeing and honoring our true feelings.  It leaves us thinking we have to be better, and under its influence we may strive to be perfect to avoid drawing more shame.  Courageous self-acceptance begins with believing that God is happy with how He made you, and that He paid for your failures with Jesus’s death on the cross, after which He rose from the dead, defeating the shame and death that the cross entailed.  The enemy of our souls tries to undo and redo truth, but real truth sets you free.  Pursue the truth.  Say the truth.  Choose to believe the truth.  As an adult, you get to choose whether or not to believe the shame. 

Perfectionism can make it difficult to accept yourself or to trust others who accept you.  Remember, perfectionism is not just a quirk or the legitimate pursuit of excellence.  Satan was made by God in a way that was perfect, but he did not want to be at the level of a created being.  He wanted to be like God, and he harmed everyone with the perfection that had been gifted to him by God.  When we indulge in perfectionism, we also harm ourselves and others with our pursuit of being something more than the human beings we are.  We try to be more than human.

So allow the feelings that come with all of this, but manage your behaviors and teach yourself new thoughts.  Learn to be happy with who you are and to accept God’s happiness with you.  When you do this, those who love you will be happier, too.  Accept God’s acceptance.  He wants you to enjoy you as much as He does.

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