'Save a soldiers life…'

So straight after the in-laws left, I banged out my first CrossFit workout of the year.

I gave myself 15 minutes to complete 45 pull ups, 45 press ups and 45 squat jumps...

21 reps of each. 15 reps of each. 9 of each…

I was in bits, made worse by the Christmas diet weighing me down and the fact that I hadn't workout for the entire festive period…

With each rep my ego was shouting at me, 'Enough…'

I thought I was gonna collapse but willed myself to finish the fight.

My mouth was full of sticky phlegm. My heart beating hard.

I couldn't go on and not a single endorphin after the workout, made me good about myself either.

I just lay there in the bath exhausted and unable to wash.

Part of how I got through the workout, was a conversation we had had about mental health earlier in the day.

I had said that during the invasion of Iraq, being in a war. In a foreign land. Seeing and hearing bombs explode. Being in built up areas under the threat of death each day, it became the new norm.

Once back in to the UK, I still had massive amounts of aggression inside me. I was checking anyone and anything for signs of hostility.

Every unfamiliar civilian face I saw was a legitimate target to have their heads ripped off.

Slowly, I fell deeper into depression. Despair and Paranoia.

I became sceptical of everything.

I even planned on murdering my muckers in my 4-man room ploting the best way of achieving the objective without getting caught… (sorry Marc, Rich and Steve. You almost didn't make it)

I didn't understand or could comprehend why I felt this way. Like a computer that doesn't understand a command its been given.

I wanted to live.

But I felt like my soul was slipping from me.. I was literally turning in to the walking dead.

In 2018, 71 ex and still serving soldiers committed suicide. The first soldier to kill himself was Warrant Officer Nathan Hunt on New Years day exactly a year ago.

He wasn't a private solider that had just joined the military, but a senior soldier.

In other words, the equivalent of a premiership football manager.

Another soldier was 31 year old Corporal Mathew Shillito. He kept telling his mum: 'I'm not safe Mum, I'm not safe, I don't feel safe, I know I'm going to do something'

His mum pleaded with Mental Health to get him sectioned. They didn't.

He died on October 1st 2018.

I was lucky. My battalion had listened.

Admittedly, I didn't join the Army for Queen nor Country. Nor did I do it for the adulation of others.

I did it because I wanted to experience war. To be the best I could be.

But you know the thing that tipped me over the edge into the abyss of PTSD.

Was that no one when we arrived back in the UK smiled at me.

Just a simple smile to let me know I was safe.

That I was seen.

That the random person in the street acknowledged me.

That I wasn't a ghost.

I know there will be more suicides amongst soldiers this year. I hope there won't.

But as people of this country regardless of whether believe in the UK's foreign policy or not, we can come together to help stop suicides in soldiers.

Literally, the value a simple smile or even a knowing wink whether you see a soldier in military fatigues or civilian clothing would be immeasurable.

If they smile back. Good.

If they burst into tears. Good.

Because this simple act could save someone's life and the pain of last night's workout was/is nothing compared to endless battle these 71 soldiers went through.

If you know any military personal still serving or now left service and suffering.. get them in contact with me.

I'll be more than happy to listen.

#alwaysdotherightthingevenifithurts #PTSD #asimplesmile