Part III Relationship Building

Chapter 10 Relationships that Fail

To this point, we have focused on the crisis intervention process and have developed an understanding of crisis communication. Relationship building moves our knowledge and skills in working with people one step farther. As we have seen, crises always involve conflict in the interaction between individuals and their total situations. In the majority of crisis situations with which you are likely to deal, the conflict will be between the individual and one or more people. That is to say, the crisis will involve conflict within one or more relationships. Typical conflict situations reflect marital difficulties, problems in parent-child relationships, employer-employee difficulties, trouble between friends, and so on. More often than not, serious interpersonal difficulty will be a central part of the crisis, and a serious upset or disturbance within an important relationship will be seen as the precipitating event. It will, then, be helpful to look at interpersonal relationships, how they deteriorate or “blow up,” and how people can go about building relationships with less conflict that do not end up in crisis. …

A PROBLEM FOR EVERYONE

“Messed up” or severely conflicted relationships are among the most common difficulties confronting everyone in his day-to-day life. Teenagers may find it difficult or impossible to get along with their parents. Husbands and wives may find that they are always fighting, or even worse they may find that they have nothing to say to each other. Parents may gradually discover or be bowled over by the realization that they can no longer communicate with their children. Friends may drift apart and lose that special feeling for each other, although they may still continue to see each other almost every day. Neighbors may fight, co-workers may not speak to one another, and everyone is uptight. Interpersonal conflict and tension are problems for all of us in varying degrees—maybe only a little bit once in a while or maybe a lot all of the time, perhaps with only one or two people or perhaps with most people. However often and with however many people, our relationships get messed up. Yours do. Mine do. It is a problem for everyone.

Eileen, age eight, talks about her seven-year-old brother. You ask, “How do you feel about your brother?” “Ecch! I can’t stand him. We always fight. He’s always into my stuff and won’t stay out of my stuff. Things are fine when he’s not there. He comes around and everything gets awful. When he comes in, I just get up and leave. I don’t want him to touch me or get close to me or be around at all. [You ask: is it always that way? Aren’t there some times when the two of you play and have a good time? Eileen starts to cry.] He’s always fighting with me. I wish they’d take him away. I don’t want to have a brother. [You say to Eileen’s mother: it sounds like Eileen is pretty upset about things with her brother. Do you agree that it’s always bad?] Yes, I think she really hates him. [You ask: How does he feel about her?] There’s no love lost. It seems like he can’t stand her either. [You ask Eileen: How do you think your brother feels about you?] I don’t care. I hate him. He hates me too. I wish they would take him away.”

Jane, age fourteen, is talking about her relationships at school. You ask, “How do you get along with the other kids at school?” “I don’t know. I don’t think they like me. [You ask: What kinds of things make you feel that way?] I don’t know. They can be laughing and joking around, and when I walk up, everybody stops talking. Sometimes when I’m walking down the hall, other kids will be talking by their lockers or something and look over at me and start laughing. [You ask: Is it that way with all of the kids?] It seems that way.