"Joy is a decision; a really brave one about how you are going to respond to life".

In the beginning of the episode you heard me singing the worship song Gold  by Jesus Culture in attempt to strengthen my resolve and lean on God in a time of deep emotional pain. This past week or two I have been fighting depression. Which was difficult for me to admit to myself since I try my absolute best to not allow myself to easily fall into that dark pit. Sporadically throughout college and as a teenager,  I struggled with suicidal thoughts, depression, high functioning anxiety, and PTSD stemming from trauma including various forms of assault. I had all the tools necessary to get through these last several days bruised but not broken. I am grateful for community (small groups, friends, and like-minded people), the bible (instruction manual), healing (physically and mentally), music (so many talented artists and performers) and grit. These factors allowed this battle to be very different than what I am accustomed to. It was not the worse it has ever been, yet the fight to not give up on myself is what seemed to challenge me the most. I couldn't allow myself to slip away this time. I just needed to make it to the other side even if that meant taking life one breath at a time. Yes, I said breath. 

My heart was so heavy but I reminded myself that I have to respond to life from my spiritual practice (Christianity) rather than my emotional programming. I needed God to help me stand firm in who we (Him and I) knew myself to be. Other people's opinion about me couldn't matter. I can only focus on how I felt about myself, my feelings toward others and how I chose to handle a life that only I was living. It is critical to be surrounded by people who can speak life into you. People who take time out their day to pray for you and let you know you're not alone. People who bring you solutions that not only help but heal you too.

*I am publishing this episode a week after recording for reference* To allow yourself to fall apart for the sake of being rebuilt can be a very painstaking process. Though I was inclined to run away from uncomfortable emotions I continued to walk towards the unknown. Despite difficulties, I found gratitude in things big and small; acknowledging  the value in the experiences I was having. I wasn't trying to be in control anymore and had thrown my hands in the air in surrender.  I no longer desired the responsibility of completely controlling my life and everything around me (as if I could in the first place). Thank you those who allow me to fully let my guard down and remind me of my best qualities. Thank you to those who provide a safe space for me share my burdens and push me towards places of restoration. Life is not the most fulfilling currently and there are multiple lessons to be learned in that. The key is to keep dancing even if the music stops and move to your own tune.

"Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance. And if you get the chance to sit out or dance, I hope you dance" - Lee Ann Womack