What happens when a marketing guy turns dating into a full-blown science project? You get Eric, the human spreadsheet. He’s got stats on everything from match-to-message ratios to how many times he’s been ghosted mid-convo. Spoiler alert: it’s a lot.

His dating history includes getting rated 0 out of 10 via text, being called “Scott” on his birthday, and going on a date with someone whose family just escaped a cult. It’s unhinged. It’s tragic. It’s hilarious.

Eric owns his beige flags like a champ. He’s a picky eater, loves sports maybe too much, and hasn’t seen a single classic movie. But he’s also charming, thoughtful, and shockingly optimistic considering the dating chaos he’s survived.

Think you can boost his conversion rate? Slide into the Meet Market DMs and maybe, just maybe, you’ll make the spreadsheet.

A big shoutout to our amazing sponsor, Tactical Tax Strategies! You can check them out at steptax.com. Remember, we drop your drawers, and they drop the tax—making life a little smoother for everyone. Thanks for keeping us covered!