I need someone I can count on to lighten the load, whose cost/benefit ratio of presence in my life is not like a damn black hole. It’s catching, like vampirism. If demand exceeds supply, I become more demanding with more unmet needs and diminishing returns, and then that gets passed on to whoever is making demands on me. We can’t squeeze blood from stones, and if I have been exanguinated and become another soul-sucking hungry ghost time sink, that will become my whole fucking world. I will lose hope and faith that there’s anyone in the world with whom I am enough, and who is enough, and we can feel at ease rather than guarding our throats and fighting over our time and attention. Maybe if we’re right in the middle of a conversation, don’t interrupt me to answer the phone, or let me know if you’re expecting a particular important call? I dunno. Sometimes it just feels all too late to raise any issue with anyone, that my only options are (A) put up with it, or (2) give up on them entirely because no one ever changes for any reason other than personal gain or loss. Argh. Would be nice if the people we’re supposed to turn to for support weren’t more interested in what they can get out of it, or what they’re afraid of happening. How can you possibly be present with me if you’re thinking about money, or consequences, or waiting for your turn to speak, or saying the right thing, or appearing to be good? That’s when I’m least effective at giving support too, but it’s not my job to do this. Argh. I try so hard to fend my thoughts away from other people, but they’re so damn ubiquitous, Dr. Snacks. How do I fight off my brain fever? If only I hadn’t lost my creative faculties. I need to try. And try. And go on trying. I need to try everything. And more. And try really hard. And see if dreams are viable until I find the one that signals me to come on home, and says FUCK YES to me right back.