Forget royal weddings — Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez just staged the most unhinged nuptials in modern history. 

AI-controlled doves. NDA-fortified gift bags. Guests so famous even Oprah dipped early. Was it a love story or a brand acquisition? Is Lauren the new Queen of Earth? Is Jeff even human anymore? 

We’ve got blind gossip, fake fan theories, Chrome-clad guests, and one very suspicious Elon sighting. This isn’t just a wedding recap — it’s a full-blown techno-glam gossip prophecy. 

Buckle up, besties. 💍🛥️🚨