Sexual desire discrepancy in long-term relationships isn’t an anomaly; it’s built into the lifestyle of cohabitation and is pretty much guaranteed to develop at some point within the first couple of years in a new relationship.

Desire discrepancy is normal and to be expected, yet it remains one of the most painful and destabilizing challenges a couple must face. This dynamic pits partners against each other in a battle of blame, guilt, and defensiveness.

Given the reluctance most couples have to talk about sex openly, it’s hardly surprising that differences in sexual desire become a cauldron of mistaken presumptions, misunderstandings, and unspoken shame.

The higher-desire partner feels shame about their role as sole initiator, and the lower-desire partner feels shame about their lack of desire for sex. Both become stuck in their story of failing at sex. They’ve lost the safety and security they once had in the sanctuary of each other’s arms.

Nature giveth and nature taketh away

New relationships are fueled by novelty and sexual intensity. Nature sets us up for procreation by pumping us with feel-good hormones like serotonin and norepinephrine. When sex is infused with the natural high of these hormones, it can lead to unrealistic expectations that the relationship will continue forever with this kind of intensity and mutual desire.

Gazing at each other through rose-colored glasses, we tell ourselves we’ve finally found our perfect sexual match. After one to three years in a relationship, the infatuation hormones slowly fade.

Sexual desires shift, sexual frequency changes, and the higher-desire partner is left to wonder what happened to their sweetheart’s ready and willing state of arousal.

The lower-desire partner becomes mired in feelings of guilt and defensiveness. Add in the sometimes daily pressure for sex from their partner and sex becomes a quagmire of negative emotions that kills desire and builds resistance.

This initial phase of disillusionment is the time when couples need to start talking about sex in an open and honest way. Rather than accusing our partner of changing or viewing each other as adversaries with competing needs, couples can pull together and view themselves as a sexual team, equally responsible for their sex life’s health and wellness. This is where their work begins as a sexually engaged couple.

We can thank books, movies, and (especially) porn for perpetuating the great lie. What is this lie? That sex is always hot, spontaneous, and satisfying for both parties; that sex always includes strong, long-lasting erections, ever-ready lubricated vaginas, and endings with mutually coinciding orgasms.

As most long-term couples will tell you, this isn’t the case. Sex is more varied than what we’re fed by the media. Real sex isn’t a “performance” that goes from zero to sixty in less than a minute.

Real sex is more relaxed: it’s authentic, sometimes awkward, sometimes messy, and all of this makes real sex more vulnerable than anything you see on a screen. It’s not performed to “entertain” or hold the undivided attention of someone watching. (Well, not usually…)

Statistics tell a more accurate story

Roughly 40 to 50 percent of sexual encounters in long-term relationships are mutually satisfying; 25 percent are better for one partner than the other; and 15 percent will be unsatisfying for both. Knowing this and having realistic expectations allows couples to relax when they don’t quite hit their “high bar.”

If your relationship is nurtured with regular nonsexual affection and loving gestures outside of the bedroom, you’ll feel more relaxed when sex occasionally falls short. Couples with a healthy openness in their sex life can let it go — even laugh it off — and accept that sex isn’t always going to meet the mark. And that’s okay!

The plight of the lower-desire partner

Unlike the higher-desire partner, whose focus is sex, the lower-desire partner has to contend with resistance. Resistance isn’t always easy to understand, even when it’s our own. As you know by now from reading my teaching, discussing sexuality, sensuality, and intimacy is key. Shame-filled silence will keep us hidden in our self-doubt and self-judgment.

If the lower-desire partner assumes the burden is on them alone to figure it out, guilt, shame, and resentment will drive any potential for desire underground. When we approach sex as a team, the challenge around desire is shared by both partners. When sex is blame and guilt-free we feel open to exploring solutions that meet both partners’ needs.

Spontaneous vs Responsive Desire

It’s helpful to understand that desire presents itself differently to different people. Higher-desire partners may experience desire in a more spontaneous way, with the experience of sex descending upon them.

They might start to feel aroused physically, or sexual desire will infiltrate their thoughts out of the blue as they find themselves lost in a sexual fantasy. Desire will present itself, and they’ll feel moved to have sex. It’s natural for them to assume desire moves in their partner in the same way. Higher-desire partners wonder if their partner even desires them since they never initiate sex.

Lower-desire partners might experience desire quite differently, for instance as a response to stimuli that arouses them. If you were to ask them if they’re interested in having sex, their response might initially be “no.”

But once they open themselves to arousing stimuli — whether in the form of touch, visuals, or seductive words — and if the invitation is made in a way that attracts them, then responsive desire starts to move in them. These are the people who will admit to not wanting sex initially but to enjoying the sex once things get rolling.

Owning your turn-ons and turnoffs

If resistance plays a role in your sexuality, it’s time to investigate. Sit down and write a list of the things that turn you on — and the things that turn you off — to the idea of having sex. Often conditions play a big role in our “yes” and “no.” You might be surprised to see what’s on your list of turn-ons.

Your turn-ons might include:

having transition time between work and play;

knowing the kids are out of the house and won’t knock on the door;

feeling energized after a run or exercise ;

listening to certain music;

dancing and being silly together;

reading an erotic story;

Your turn-offs might include:

having sex after a big meal when you’re feeling full and tired;

jumping into sex without first emotionally connecting with your partner;

feeling too rushed to find your own pleasure;

the lights being too bright;

the room being too cold;

worrying that your body won’t perform as you wish.

Make a list of five to ten of your own openers and closers, so you can see them all on paper, and share it with your partner. They’ll better understand how desire works for you so they can support the conditions that help you open up.

Breaking the habit of resistance

Resistance is sneaky. It’ll show up even before you’ve given sex much thought. It may whisper messages based on fears and insecurities:

My partner doesn’t find me attractive anymore.

I take too long to orgasm.

I’m a boring lover.

My kids will walk in on us.

I’m afraid to ask for a certain sexual experiences .

I’ll lose my erection.

I’ll never meet my partner’s needs.

I need to drink or get high before sex.

I fear painful or dysfunctional sex and can’t do anything about it.

I dislike the pressure of being someone I’m not during sex.

Start to observe the thoughts behind your resistance and question if they’re true or not. Talk to your partner about the negative beliefs that contribute to your resistance. If you’re working as a sexual team, your partner will appreciate your sharing. Ask them to help you rewrite your negative thoughts into positive affirmations that feed your self- confidence and self-esteem.

Saying No with Love

Saying “no” to our partner’s initiation is hard on both people. “No” is a door closer and leaves little room for any other thoughts or solutions.

If you’re usually a “no” to sexual intercourse, as a pattern, ask yourself what you might be a “yes” to?

Get curious about what you’re open to and learn how to deliver your “no” in a way that doesn’t slam the door in your partner’s face. Couch your “no” with a statement of appreciation like, “I’m too tired to have intercourse right now, but I appreciate your desire to be close. Would you like to have an orgasm another way?” Or “I’m looking forward to being sexual with you. Can we set a date for tomorrow rather than tonight?”

Before you answer your partner’s request for sex with a defensive “no,” feel your partner’s own vulnerability in their request and ask for what you want from a place of connection.

Coming together as a sexually empowered team will keep sex alive and well, for real.

If you need help with desire discrepancy in your relationship, coaching can lead to a entirely new chapter in your sex life.

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