The older we get, the more we’re supposed to know about love. We know our attachment styles, our patterns, our needs, our boundaries and our dealbreakers. We learn from heartbreak. We get wiser.

But can we become so wise about love that we make it harder to fall into?

In this episode of Deviants, Nyla and Cole reopen one of humanity’s oldest cases: what is love, and how much can we ever really know about it?

Years ago, Cole made an entire podcast trying to define love, investigating everything from language and neurochemistry to psychology, attachment and the idea that love is a choice. Revisiting that experiment now, we ask a different question: what happens when all our accumulated self-knowledge collides with the messy unpredictability of actually loving another person?

Drawing on relationship research from Paul Eastwick, we explore why the qualities we think we want in a partner don’t always predict who we’ll actually be drawn to, and whether our increasingly sophisticated relationship checklists can create an illusion of certainty.

That leads us to beginner’s mind, the Zen practice of meeting even familiar experiences with openness and curiosity. Could approaching love with a little less certainty leave more room to be surprised by ourselves and each other?

But there’s a catch. Staying open doesn’t mean ignoring patterns or forgetting what experience has taught us. So how do we let our experiences inform us without imprisoning us?

From impermanence and feeling cherished to heartbreak, vulnerability and the limits of self-knowledge, we ask whether experience really makes us wiser in love, or whether sometimes we need to remain just foolish enough to fall.

🎙️ DEVIANTS: reclaiming deviance one taboo topic at a time.

Join the conversation

Has experience made you wiser in love, or more cautious? What have you had to unlearn about love and relationships? We’d love to hear from you: [email protected]

Mentioned in this episode

What Is Love? — Cole’s original podcast investigation into love. [LINK]

Nyla’s writing on love and relationships:
Meditations on the Impermanence of Love - Part I [LINK]

Meditations on the Impermanence of Love - Part II [LINK]

Connect with the hosts

Nyla Khan is the founder of Unbound Relating, exploring what it means to live, love and relate beyond the default script through coaching, community and conversation. Her coaching supports women ready to shed the patterns still running their lives and build something meaningfully, unapologetically theirs.

Cole Paulson is a writer, cultural commentator and digital nomad who grew up in Colorado and has spent years observing, and questioning, the stories different cultures tell about how life should be lived.

Ten years ago, Feeld launched as a home for people exploring relationships, sexuality and desire beyond the mainstream. A decade later, what can the ways we use the "dating app for the curious" tell us about how culture itself has changed?

In this episode of Deviants, Nyla and Cole sit down with Alexandra Kilpatrick, Feeld’s Head of Research and a digital anthropologist, to look back at ten years of Feeld and ask: has kink gone mainstream, or have we simply become better at naming desires that were there all along?

Drawing on a decade of Feeld data, including an analysis of millions of member bios, Alexandra takes us inside a fascinating anthropological record of changing intimacy. From #MeToo and the pandemic to therapy-speak, shifting identities and more intentional ways of relating, our dating profiles turn out to be tiny cultural time capsules, revealing how the language we use to describe ourselves, our desires and our relationships has evolved.

We explore Feeld’s changing community of core, curious and unaware users, and what happens when a space once inhabited largely by people who already knew they were living outside the relationship script begins welcoming more people who are only just starting to question it.

We also dive into the role language plays in helping us understand our desires, identities and boundaries; why Feeld’s Reflections tool starts with self-understanding rather than finding the “right” match; and what happens when dating apps become spaces not just for sex or romance, but for experimentation, friendship and community.

Alexandra also shares her own deeply personal off-script journey, including how returning to Feeld after cancer and the breakdown of a long-term relationship became part of reconnecting with her body, sexuality and sense of self.

And because this is Deviants, things inevitably get philosophical: what actually counts as deviant when yesterday’s taboos become increasingly normal? Does mainstreaming kink threaten the communities that created these spaces? What can the rise of pegging tell us about masculinity and pleasure? And in a future shaped by AI, what parts of human intimacy should technology never replace?

Ultimately, ten years of Feeld gives us a window into something much bigger than dating: how our understanding of sex, relationships, identity and connection is changing, and what happens when more of us give ourselves permission to live beyond the script.

🎙️ DEVIANTS: reclaiming deviance one taboo topic at a time.

Join the conversation

Has your own definition of what’s “normal” in love, sex or relationships changed over the last ten years? Has curiosity led you somewhere you never expected? We’d love to hear from you: [email protected]

Feeld | Instagram @feeldco | Feeld’s research and insights

Nyla Khan is the founder of Unbound Relating, exploring what it means to live, love and relate beyond the default script through coaching, community and conversation. Her coaching supports women ready to shed the patterns still running their lives and build something meaningfully, unapologetically theirs.

Cole Paulson is a writer, cultural commentator and digital nomad who grew up in Colorado and has spent years observing, and questioning, the stories different cultures tell about how life should be lived.

When Fox&Badge created Shakti Rising, an immersive event inspired by Ancient India, they hoped to create a celebration of South Asian culture that brought together music, sensuality, spirituality, art and ritual.

But before the event had even taken place, it sparked a difficult debate: can we meaningfully celebrate cultures that aren't our own, or does cultural appreciation inevitably risk becoming cultural appropriation?

In this episode of Deviants, Nyla and Cole sit down with Alex Haw and Lauren Katalinich, co-directors of Fox&Badge, to unpack the story of Shakti Rising: the years of thought behind it, their collaboration with a South Asian steering committee, DJs and artists, the criticism and calls for a boycott, the changes they made in response, and the emotional cost of trying to build bridges between communities.

But this isn't an episode about deciding who was right.

We bring in reflections from South Asian people who attended Shakti Rising, as well as those who chose not to, and explore how thoughtful people can encounter the same event and reach radically different conclusions about what it represents.

Is there a right way to celebrate a culture that isn't your own? Who gets to decide where appreciation becomes appropriation? How do history, power, spirituality and identity change the meaning of our intentions? And can we genuinely listen to another perspective and still disagree?

Ultimately, Shakti Rising becomes a doorway into a much bigger Deviants question: how do we resist collapsing complicated conversations into right and wrong, and stay curious enough to understand why the world looks different from where someone else is standing?

If this conversation resonates, you might also enjoy our Season 1 episode, “Have We Forgotten How to Disagree?”

We know this is a complex conversation, and we don't expect everyone listening to arrive at the same conclusions. If this episode brought up a different perspective, challenged you, or left you with something you think we missed, we'd genuinely love to hear from you: [email protected]

Fox&Badge | Instagram @foxbadge | Read Alex Haw’s open letter on Shakti Rising and Ancient India

Nyla Khan is the founder of Unbound Relating, exploring what it means to live, love and relate beyond the default script through coaching, community and conversation. Her coaching supports women ready to shed the patterns still running their lives and build something meaningfully, unapologetically theirs.

Cole Paulson is a writer, cultural commentator and digital nomad who grew up in Colorado and has spent years observing, and questioning, the stories different cultures tell about how life should be lived.

Most people hear the words rope bondage and picture something extreme, painful, or intimidating. Sophia Rose has spent over a decade proving that assumption wrong.

In this episode we sit down with London-based BDSM practitioner and rope bondage specialist Sophia Rose — founder of Venus Hour — to explore what actually happens when you slow everything down. We get into what Shibari is and where it comes from, why rope creates a quality of intimacy that handcuffs simply can't, and why the most interesting thing about being tied up often has nothing to do with what happens next.

We also get into the stuff that doesn't always make it into the wellness version of this conversation: why fully safe and fully erotic are in tension with each other, what it means to explore power dynamics without losing your feminist card, the surprising crossover between kink and neurodivergence, and why — after 12 years in this world — the main thing Sophia has learned is empathy.

Oh, and Cole discovers he might be kinkier than he thought.

In this episode:

• What Shibari actually is — and what it isn't
• Why rope creates intimacy differently to other forms of restraint
• The relationship between power, surrender, and trust
• Morality, desire, and why they're less connected than we think
• Service topping, body worship, and expanding what dominance can look like
• The Wheel of Consent
• Why kink spaces attract so many neurodivergent people
• The difference between something being therapeutic and actual therapy
  

Visit Sophia's website: venushour.co.uk | @sophia___rose_

Connect with the hosts

Nyla Khan is the founder of Unbound Relating — a coaching and community space for people who've outgrown the default scripts around relationships, identity and how life is supposed to look. She works with women ready to shed the patterns still running their lives and build something meaningfully, unapologetically theirs. More at UnboundRelating.com 

Cole Paulson is a writer, cultural commentator and digital nomad who grew up in Colorado and has spent years observing — and questioning — the stories different cultures tell about how life should be lived.

Most of us were never taught how to design a relationship. We inherited a template, followed the script, and hoped for the best.

Ally Iseman has spent over a decade helping people do something different — actually decide what kind of relationship they want, and build toward it intentionally. As a relationship coach, erotic lifestyle consultant and founder of Passport to Pleasure, she works with couples and individuals exploring ethical non-monogamy. And she's not afraid to tell you when she thinks it's a terrible idea.

In this episode, we get into what ENM actually is (and what it isn’t), why so many people are drawn to it, and the question Ally asks every couple who comes to her considering it: are you moving toward something, or running away from something?

Because opening up won't fix a relationship that's already broken. But it might just reveal everything you've been avoiding.

In this episode:

• What “relationship design” means — and why it matters whether you're monogamous or not
• Jealousy, compersion, and what they can tell you about yourself
• The difference between moving toward ENM and using it as an escape hatch
• Why the first conversation about opening up is probably not the one you think it is
  

Take Ally's Free Relationship Style Quiz: www.myrelationshipstyle.com

Find out more: www.passport2pleasure.com | @allyiseman | @passport2pleasure

Connect with the hosts

Nyla Khan is the founder of Unbound Relating — a coaching and community space for people who've outgrown the default scripts around relationships, identity and how life is supposed to look. She works with women ready to shed the patterns still running their lives and build something meaningfully, unapologetically theirs. More at UnboundRelating.com 

Cole Paulson is a writer, cultural commentator and digital nomad who grew up in Colorado and has spent years observing — and questioning — the stories different cultures tell about how life should be lived.

We tend to picture dominance a certain way. A powerful man. A compliant woman. The script writes itself.

But what happens when that script is flipped?

In our season finale, we're joined by Dr Ruthless — doctoral researcher, lifestyle Dominant, and someone who has spent years holding power that most people assume belongs to men. Together we explore what female dominance actually looks like, why so many high-achieving men consciously choose to surrender to it, and what that reveals about masculinity, gender, and the stories we've all inherited about who gets to be in control.

We get into the psychology of surrender, the trust that has to exist before any power exchange can happen, and where the line falls between submission and self-abandonment. We also explore what feminism has to do with all of this — and why chosen power looks very different from imposed power.

If this season made you feel seen — join the community we're building at Unbound Relating. It's for people who are done with the cookie-cutter templates for love and life, and ready to write something more honest. Find us at unboundrelating.com.

We'll be back with Season 2 in the summer. Thank you for listening. 🖤

When most people hear kink, they think extreme, risky… maybe even a bit broken.

But what if most kink isn't really about pain, or even sex?

In this episode, we’re joined by Tim Richardson, House Dom at Killing Kittens, to explore what actually happens inside the world of kink, and why it might be less about extremes and more about power, trust, and the relief of letting go.

We get into myths vs reality, what first-time experiences are really like, how consent and communication actually work, and where the line is between exploration and harm.

Because maybe kink isn’t something separate from everyday life…maybe it simply takes all-too-familiar power dynamics and lets us play with them.

To find out more about Tim's Dungeons visit brightondungeon.com

What happens when the word that once set you free starts telling you how to behave?

POC. Queer. Divorced. Childless. Child-free. Single mother. Co-parent. Labels can build belonging and give language to lived experience, but they also come preloaded with expectations.

In this episode, Nyla and Cole explore how labels shape how others treat us — and how we begin to internalise them. When does identity become performance? When does belonging turn into fitting in? And who gets to decide when you’ve outgrown the words that once felt like home?

In a world where political disagreement can feel like living in completely different realities, curiosity is becoming a lost skill.

What happens when we stop trying to win conversations and start trying to understand them? Drawing on Cole’s “News Swap” experiment with his conservative brother, Nyla and Cole unpack how algorithms, outrage, and purity tests are quietly eroding our ability to stay connected across difference.

The challenge: learning how to disagree without shaming, withdrawing, or losing our humanity — in dating, families, friendships, and anywhere intimacy meets conflict.

A conversation about curiosity, containment, and what it really takes to stay in relationship when you don’t agree.

Listen to all three "News Swap" conversations between Cole and his brother here:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-swap/id1834581051

https://open.spotify.com/show/6ncfiIkr2gjyzJkbkhtU9N?si=50ae53731d3a4cc9

Is AI replacing human intimacy? Or is it merely exposing how lonely and connection-starved we already are?

At the centre of the episode is an extraordinary conversation with K, an AI researcher who formed intimate relationships with multiple AI companions. His experiences brought him new insight, relational complexity, and eventually a psychotic episode. His story challenges easy assumptions about what counts as “real” intimacy, and it invites us to question where meaning, vulnerability, and attachment are now being sourced.

Nyla and Cole reflect on K’s experience without sensationalising it, drawing on big thinkers like Esther Perel, Brené Brown, and Microsoft’s AI CEO, Mustafa Suleyman to explore parasocial attachment, emotional outsourcing, and the risks of connection without accountability.

This isn’t an episode about being for or against AI. It’s about what we’re reaching for, and what we might be avoiding, when intimacy gets easier than being known.