Why Transform Disrespect?

Five-year-olds seek independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. When they feel powerless and angry, they can lash out in ways that show disrespect for others. Though this is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning, it can anger or worry a caring parent or someone in a parenting role. You can transform these moments into vital opportunities to teach children healthy and respectful alternatives. 

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

 

●      Ask yourself, “Does my child have an unmet need?” Perhaps they are hungry or tired, need attention, or need downtime.

●      Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, you may need to take a few minutes to collect yourself before engaging your child.

●      Ask your child how they are feeling. “I notice your face is red. Are you feeling frustrated?” Or “I saw your friend leave to go play with someone else. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      Use your best listening skills.

Trap: Be sure you talk about disrespect at a calm time when you are not stressed or upset! 

 

 Step 2: Teach New Skills

●      Learn together! Transforming disrespect requires dealing with challenging feelings in healthy ways and learning constructive ways to use and share power.

●      Model respectful words and actions, and your children will notice and learn!

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary.

●      Create a calm-down plan.

●      Practice deep breathing to calm down.

●      Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”

●      Teach your child positive ways to seek control or power.

●      Teach your child to repair harm.

●      End the day with love. Often, when a child acts disrespectfully they feel bad about themselves; spend one-on-one time with your child to remind them they are loved no matter their choices.

Tip: Create a signal you can use when you, your child, or both are overwhelmed by challenging feelings. You might say, “I need a minute!” or “Code red!” Practice using it so that it becomes a habit to pause when angry or upset before responding.

 

 Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

●      Accept feelings (even ones you don’t like!): “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better?”

●      Use “Show me…” statements like “Show me how you can make a good choice when you talk to your sister.”

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. “Do  you want to do homework at the kitchen counter or the dining room table?”

●      Share power through turn-taking or cooperative decision making as a family.

●      Practice deep breathing. This is a simple practice your child can use to assist themselves anytime, anywhere.

●      Follow through on repairing harm.

●      Proactively remind: “Remember what helps you feel better? What can you do?”

 

Tip: After a tough day, your child may internally beat themselves up for what they did and said earlier. So, end the day with love. They need to hear that you love them NO MATTER WHAT on those days.

 

Trap: Don’t constantly repeat yourself when children are angry or upset. Children often need more time to calm down, regain perspective, and move on. Be sure to wait long enough for your child to show you they can take steps to self-manage. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they can do what you need.

 

 Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

●      Ask key questions to support their skills: “You and your brother must work together to clean your bedroom today. Do you remember what you can do if you start feeling frustrated?”

●      Promote an “I can” belief. Children need to know you believe in them.

●      Foster friendships. They offer opportunities for your child to practice power sharing,  negotiating roles, and working through conflict.

●      Stay engaged. Try out new and different coping strategies to see what works best.

●      Engage in further practice. Role-play or rehearse when needed.

●      Reflect on the real world and the natural consequences of disrespectful behaviors.

●      Follow through on logical consequences to repair harm when needed.

 

 Step 5: Recognize Efforts

●      Notice even small successes: “I noticed how you took deep breaths when you got frustrated. That’s excellent!”

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Consider a hug when the routine is accomplished.

Tip: Be specific. “Good job” does not carry much meaning. However, a specific compliment about a pointed behavior—“You took some deep breaths when you got frustrated. I love seeing that!”—can promote more of the same.

 

Trap: If you focus only on outcomes—“You didn’t get mad today,” for example —you miss the chance to influence the process. It's better to say, “You were able to calm down, refocus, and get back to homework.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Disrespect Age 5 Summary. Retrieved fromhttps://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org

 

This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

 

© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University