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Do I Really Have to Go Home for the Holidays?
Media Links
Website: delvepsych.com
Instagram: @delvepsychchicago
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20
Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/
Hosts
Ali McGarel – Staff Therapist, Delve Psychotherapy of Chicago
Adam W. Fominaya, PhD – Executive & Clinical Director, Delve Psychotherapy of Chicago
Overview of Big Ideas
Why holiday visits can feel like emotional obligation more than genuine choice.
Clarifying your reason for going (or not going): love, guilt, fear, money, hope for repair, or simple habit.
The grief of realizing your family may never want the same level of emotional closeness that you do.
Acceptance as a skill: seeing people as they are, not as you wish they were, and choosing your limits accordingly.
Boundaries as actions you take—leaving, limiting time, declining invites—rather than rules you impose on others.
How “family is forever” beliefs collide with chosen family, especially in LGBTQ+ and marginalized communities.
When misgendering, bigotry, or chronic invalidation make staying engaged more harmful than stepping back.
Breakdown of Segments
The Dreaded Question: “Are You Coming Home?”
Ali and Adam name the pressure of feeling like a bad child if you don’t show up, even when visits leave you drained or unsafe.What Are You Hoping Will Happen?
They invite listeners to ask, “In order to accomplish what am I going?” and notice when the real fantasy is finally being seen or finally changing someone’s mind.Fantasy Family vs. Real Family
The hosts explore how TV, culture, and nostalgia create an idealized picture of family that clashes with messy, imperfect reality—and how that gap fuels shame and confusion.Power, Roles, and the Hidden Judge
They unpack how one family member often functions as the unspoken “arbiter,” setting expectations about who must visit, who must forgive, and who is allowed to be upset.Boundaries, Not Ultimatums
Ali and Adam distinguish between trying to control relatives’ beliefs and simply choosing what you’ll participate in: staying shorter, not discussing politics, or opting out entirely.When Identity Is on the Line
The episode addresses situations where pronouns, queerness, race, or partners are dismissed or mocked—naming that you may need to leave, at least for a season, to stay emotionally and physically safe.You’re Allowed to Choose Yourself
They close by giving explicit permission not to go home if the cost is too high, and by reminding listeners that chosen family, friendships, and community can also be home.
AI Recommended References (APA)
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.
Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation: An approach based on Bowen theory. W. W. Norton.
Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674–697.
View all episodes
By Delve PsychMedia Links
Website: delvepsych.com
Instagram: @delvepsychchicago
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20
Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/
Hosts
Ali McGarel – Staff Therapist, Delve Psychotherapy of Chicago
Adam W. Fominaya, PhD – Executive & Clinical Director, Delve Psychotherapy of Chicago
Overview of Big Ideas
Why holiday visits can feel like emotional obligation more than genuine choice.
Clarifying your reason for going (or not going): love, guilt, fear, money, hope for repair, or simple habit.
The grief of realizing your family may never want the same level of emotional closeness that you do.
Acceptance as a skill: seeing people as they are, not as you wish they were, and choosing your limits accordingly.
Boundaries as actions you take—leaving, limiting time, declining invites—rather than rules you impose on others.
How “family is forever” beliefs collide with chosen family, especially in LGBTQ+ and marginalized communities.
When misgendering, bigotry, or chronic invalidation make staying engaged more harmful than stepping back.
Breakdown of Segments
The Dreaded Question: “Are You Coming Home?”
Ali and Adam name the pressure of feeling like a bad child if you don’t show up, even when visits leave you drained or unsafe.What Are You Hoping Will Happen?
They invite listeners to ask, “In order to accomplish what am I going?” and notice when the real fantasy is finally being seen or finally changing someone’s mind.Fantasy Family vs. Real Family
The hosts explore how TV, culture, and nostalgia create an idealized picture of family that clashes with messy, imperfect reality—and how that gap fuels shame and confusion.Power, Roles, and the Hidden Judge
They unpack how one family member often functions as the unspoken “arbiter,” setting expectations about who must visit, who must forgive, and who is allowed to be upset.Boundaries, Not Ultimatums
Ali and Adam distinguish between trying to control relatives’ beliefs and simply choosing what you’ll participate in: staying shorter, not discussing politics, or opting out entirely.When Identity Is on the Line
The episode addresses situations where pronouns, queerness, race, or partners are dismissed or mocked—naming that you may need to leave, at least for a season, to stay emotionally and physically safe.You’re Allowed to Choose Yourself
They close by giving explicit permission not to go home if the cost is too high, and by reminding listeners that chosen family, friendships, and community can also be home.
AI Recommended References (APA)
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.
Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation: An approach based on Bowen theory. W. W. Norton.
Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674–697.