Your Dresser Wants You Dead (And Other Ways Your House Hates You)

Forget serial killers and shark attacks! The real monsters? They’re already inside your goddamn house, silently plotting your demise while you scroll TikTok! From the spice rack to the champagne bottle, even the most innocent objects are just waiting for you to screw up!

We're ripping the lid off the Pandora's Box of domestic death traps, exploring the baffling ways everyday items and boneheaded human decisions turn essential liquids, celebratory beverages, common furniture, and even baking spices into lethal weapons. Think water intoxication contests, dressers crushing kids, nutmeg trips gone wrong, and champagne corks aimed like missiles. It's a glorious, chaotic tour of humanity's most predictable, stupid deaths, often caused by things we never saw coming.

The brutal truth is, your brain is a lying sack of s**t when it comes to assessing risk, making you more terrified of statistically rare events than the wobbly dresser or the glass of water that could literally swell your brain. Most of these deaths aren't freak accidents; they're the inevitable result of our impatience, ignorance, and chronic underestimation of objects obeying basic physics.

You're statistically more likely to be killed by your furniture than by a shark, but sure, go ahead and rock that vending machine for a free soda!

Join us for a descent into the hilariously dark abyss where household appliances stage a coup, celebratory beverages shoot projectiles at your face, and a simple spice cabinet ingredient sends you on a multi-day hallucinogenic trip featuring existential dread and vomiting. This is 1000 Ways to Die meets a poorly-regulated furniture catalogue, narrated by your favourite slightly-deranged history professor.

💀🏠🤯 Get ready for a mind-blowing, genre-busting deep dive into weird facts and useless knowledge that proves your own home is the ultimate danger zone! This comedy history podcast unmasks the everyday killers hiding in plain sight, from the bizarre trivia of vending machines being deadlier than sharks (at least, historically!) to the horrifying reality of furniture tip-overs crushing kids and the decades it took for the STURDY Act to finally mandate safety! We'll explore strange history like nutmeg toxicity, including how Malcolm X used it in prison and why the "Nutmeg Challenge" on TikTok is peak modern stupidity! Plus, the physics of champagne corks becoming eye-seeking missiles, fatal water intoxication cases like the "Hold Your Wee for a Wii" radio contest death, and the brutal truth that our brains are just bad at risk assessment. Packed with hilarious insights and savage soundbites, this episode is a viral-ready, irreverent ride through the most baffling ways humans meet their maker, often with a toaster or a dresser as the accomplice. Anchor your furniture, point that bubbly away from faces, and for the love of god, don't drink two gallons of water unless you want your brain to swell! #SmartAsFuck #WeirdFacts #UselessKnowledge #TrueCrime #HistoryPodcast #ComedyPodcast #BizarreTrivia #HouseholdHazards #NutmegChallenge #VendingMachineDeaths #FurnitureSafety #ChampagneCorkEyeInjury #WaterToxicity #AvailabilityHeuristic #RiskPerception #AnchorIt #PodcastLife #MustListen 🎧😵‍💫🛋️🍾💦

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit smartasfuck.substack.com