Today I Learned how easy it is for me to become a sell out. I was texting particular people about donating to my college fund. And one person I texted responded very angrily. My older cousin was upset with me because she felt that I was guilting her by consistently texting her about raising money for school. As soon as I read that message I apologize becuase she was so right. I’m a salesmen and I know how to communicate things indirectly. I know how to jazz things up in the right way. I think I know how to evoke emotion and sell a story or a product. So her telling me that I was guilting her was only the truth. I thought about how I let myself do that. How did I let the sleezy salesman part of me take control? It’s because I got to obsessed with my goal of paying off my tuition. Paying off my tuition bill to me is more than just getting my transcript and transferring to University. Paying off my tuition bill means to me that I can finally become independent from by Mom by moving out of her house with the intent to never comeback to live. I feel like I’ve been here too long. I feel embarrassed when other family members come to visit and they see me still living at home. But being very motivated to claim my delayed manhood isn’t a good reason to use cheap tactics in order to get money. That is the behavior of a sell out. A person who discards their integrity and self respect for short term gain. I’ve behaved like that numerous times before. I became a clown when deep down I knew that behavior was beneath me. I knew that I could do more than just make people laugh to get them to like me. My past behavior still bothers me. I frequently shudder when I reluctantly remember how poorly I use to carry myself. But I know if I change my behavior people will eventually forgive me. I can’t sell out any longer. I told myself that I was only soliciting donations from these people because they showed a willingness to help. But honestly I’m on track to pay off the tuition so I don’t necessarily need them to donate. It’s easy for someone like me to become a sellout. But I can’t let that happen. That’s way only leads to self disgust. I get excited and I get obsessed with achieving particular things. But that’s not a good reason to discard my integrity and self respect.