I have never met anyone who likes being told what to do, who likes when his behavior is critiqued and is told to change. Yet, this is something we all do to others. Spouses are often telling each other what they should and shouldn't do. And of course parents have the responsibility to educate their children so they can learn the right way to live. The problem becomes how we can expect the behavior to change if they – like us! – don't like to be corrected or criticized. If a child's instinct when hearing criticism is to defend himself or herself, then what should a parent do? Perhaps we can learn the answer from an example of effective communication found in the beginning of Parashat Vayigash. The parashah begins with Yehuda's famous plea to Yosef, the vizier of Egypt. Binyamin, the youngest of the brothers was framed as a thief, and when Yosef's royal goblet was found in his bag, Yosef ordered that he remain in Egypt as his slave, while the other brothers return home. Yehuda, however, had made a solemn promise to their father, Yaakov, that he would personally guarantee Binyamin's safe return home. And so Yehuda came before Yosef and made an impassioned speech, begging Yosef to allow him to remain in Binyamin's stead. In this speech, Yehuda reviewed all the events that led to the current crisis, recalling how he and his brothers came to purchase grain, how Yosef demanded that they bring their youngest brother, how their father at first refused, due to his fear that something might happen to Binyamin, and how Yehuda had personally assured Yaakov that he would bring Binyamin home. Finally, the Torah says, at the end of Yehuda's speech, Yosef could no longer control himself – לא יכול יוסף להתאפק – and he revealed his identity to his brothers. He then told them to go back and bring their father and their families to Egypt where he would support them during the harsh famine. What changed Yosef's heart? What was the "trigger" that led him to relent? The answer, it seems, is that he was affected mainly by Yehuda's final words: כי איך אעלה אבי והנער איננו אתי – "For how can I go back to my father if the youngster is not with me?" Yehuda made a lengthy speech, but this had no effect. He was effective in changing Yosef's heart only when he asked a pointed question: "What should I do? What options do I have?" Let us try to apply this to a typical parent/child conflict. A girl wants to go out with her friends, but she has a test the next day and needs to study. Her parents want her to stay home and prepare for the exam. They could give a long speech about how irresponsible it is to go out the night before a test, how she needs to be more organized, how she should have studied days earlier but didn't, how she'll have other opportunities to get together with her friends, and so on. But a speech is not going to work. A far more effective approach would be to ask the pointed question, "What do you want?" They could acknowledge her predicament, express understanding of her legitimate desire to be with her friends, validate her feelings of disappointment, and then ask, "So what do you suggest? Do you want to fail the test? Do you want to study first and then go to spend a few minutes with them? What do you want to do?" Lecturing is not effective. Posing simple questions often can be. The mistake so many parents make is that they think they can give speeches, or they can harshly criticize bad behavior at the heat of the moment, and this will somehow have an effect on the child's behavior. Parents need to remember that angry rants make things worse, not better. They only lead to more defiance. Yehuda's lengthy speech didn't help. He succeeded only when he framed the situation in clear, concise and practical terms. כי איך אעלה אל אבי והנער איננו איתי . As we said, nobody likes to be reprimanded or told what to do. So instead of criticizing and expressing anger, let's keep it short, to the point, and with practicality, so that our children, or whoever it is we're speaking to, will react the way we want them to.