Renegades,

On todays episode, I compare my emotional experience of being in a pandemic vs my first divorce and then his his death. There is no guide book on how to grieve, but avoiding, resisting or buffering definitely isn't the way. It took me 10 years to make surrender to the beauty in our loss. I don't want to lose that kind of time ever again. So instead, I choose to feel the pain; all the grief, fear, uncertainty, one wave at a time.

I'll explain how the biggest difference between the two is that I’m fully here for the pandemic, quarantine and economic shutdown situation we are in. I’m riding all the waves and feelings that are coming up. It can feel a little manic at times. There are some days that I’m like, I’m not experienced enough for this wave… it’s to big. Are you fucking crazy? Then there are other days when it’s flat and I have the urge to paddle in and go look for another spot, but I stay. I wait. Then there are the days when the waves are choppy. I want to complain- but I don’t. I’m just riding the waves.

This was not my experience after my divorce or when Chris died. That was more like paddling out while a massive set of waves was rolling in during a storm- and then trying to bail, but it was too late. I'd get wrecked. I'd be underwater and not knowing what direction was up. 

 

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