Married and Connected

Ep 45: Repairing After Conflict

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I recently polled my instagram followers on whether they repaired after an argument or just moved on with or without an apology from either side. 76% of the votes said they just moved on. 


The reason this is concerning is that the repair is the most important part of the argument and it's missing in the majority of marriages.

So what is repairing and why is it important?

Repairing is fostering the connection between you and your partner after the argument so there is less negativity, resentment and lingering feelings or unmet expectations. Every time you repair after conflict, you're laying another brick in the foundational elements that help you handle larger conflict down the road. You're bringing your marriage back together.

How do we repair?

After the argument when you've both calmed down, met your basic needs (sleep, water, food), are no longer in a defensive state and can listen to each other's point of view so you can understand, not just respond, you're ready to repair. 


Come together to have a conversation about what happened. Using an I statement "I felt (emotion word) when (circumstance) because (why did it trigger you). I need _________ to move forward. 

Using I statements helps you focus on you. This is important because every time there is a conflict, both parties have a hand in it. We can't change our partner, so we have to change our own behavior. If done correctly, it takes away criticism, blame and shame of your partner.

After both sides have given their perspective, talk calmly about the disconnect that happened. Was it a miscommunication? Was there an assumption that was made (or many assumptions)? Apologize for your part in the disconnect and if possible, help your partner get the need met that they stated in their I statement. Forgive and move forward after both of you feel reconnected.

Some things to keep in mind while going through this:
  • The goal here is to approach this with a solution-oriented attitude.
  • Communication is 58% body language, 35% tone and 7% words. Make sure your body language and your tone are sending the same message your words are.
  • Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes this is harder than others, especially if you're dealing with a reoccurring cycle (in which case, I would suggest getting help). Remember that this is your partner who loves you, not your enemy and you're in this to understand and do things differently, not to judge and condemn.
  • Take a break if needed but you must come back and try again later. This isn't going to be perfect every single time. My husband and I have started to repair many times only to find that we aren't as calm as we thought or one of us says something that triggers the other again and we have to come back later and repair both conflicts. 
  • Disconnection is not caused by conflict. Conflict is caused by disconnection. The whole purpose of the repair is to bring that connection back together, not widen the gap. Keep things calm, low in tone, slow in process, and focus on building each other back up. There is no scorecard in connected marriages.

    • Email: [email protected]

    IG: @divorce.proof.marriage

    Facebook: facebook.com/groups/recognizingpotential


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    Married and ConnectedBy Kameran Al-Areqi
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