Middle-Aged Mama Drama

Episode 5:

Parenting Across Cultures - An Indigenous Mother’s Journey

EPISODE OVERVIEW

Shelley and Jenny welcome Sheri, an indigenous mother, legal consultant in child welfare, and tribal judge who shares her unique experience navigating motherhood at 51 with teenage daughters. This conversation explores the intersection of professional life, cultural values, generational caregiving, and the distinct challenges of being an older mom in both indigenous and mainstream American cultures.

KEY TOPICS:

• Cultural differences in parenting approaches between indigenous and mainstream culture

• Multi-generational caregiving and living arrangements

• Professional motherhood and workplace flexibility

• The sandwich generation experience with aging parents

• Energy levels and vibrancy challenges of midlife parenting

• Generational gaps between older parents and their children

• Educational privilege and parenting standards

• Indigenous values of communal parenting and elder respect

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

[00:00:00 - 00:04:00] Introduction and Energy Challenges

Sheri introduces herself as a 51-year-old mother of two teenagers, explaining how her experience differs dramatically from her own parents who were young, energetic parents. She reflects on the contrast between going to bed at 9pm in perimenopause while waiting up for her teen, versus her father still being vibrant and active at age 34.

[00:04:00 - 00:07:00] The Intentional Path to Parenthood

Sheri shares her deliberate journey to motherhood, explaining how growing up helping raise relatives in an unstable environment motivated her to wait until “all her ducks were in a row.” She pursued law school and established her career first, not just for professional achievement but to ensure she could afford to parent without the financial struggles she witnessed growing up.

[00:07:00 - 00:10:00] Tribal Culture’s Support for Working Mothers

In a powerful contrast to mainstream workplace culture, Sheri describes working as chief prosecutor for a tribe that embraced bringing babies to work during the first year. Her father came to work with her daily to care for her baby, and the multi-generational, communal approach to childcare was completely normalized and celebrated within the tribal community.

[00:10:00 - 00:13:00] Cultural Contrasts and Life Expectancy

The conversation reveals striking statistics about tribal communities, including an average life expectancy of just 52 years. Sheri explains how elder care and respect for elders is central to tribal values, making workplace flexibility for family needs a priority rather than a sign of lack of commitment.

[00:13:00 - 00:16:00] The Pressure of Privilege

Sheri candidly discusses how her professional success and knowledge of child development have actually increased the pressure she places on herself as a parent. With more resources, education, and stability than her family members, she feels she has “no excuses” and worries intensely when her children face any challenges.

[00:16:00 - 00:19:00] Balancing Multiple Caregiving Roles

As an only child to her father, Sheri describes the weight of caring for him while he struggled with heroin addiction, while simultaneously being a present mother, supportive sister to a single mom, and maintaining her career. The expectation to be a “good relative” across all relationships creates enormous pressure.

[00:19:00 - 00:23:00] Feminism, Work Values, and Cultural Identity

Sheri contrasts her mother’s generation’s focus on being a “good worker” with her own primary value of being a “good relative.” She reflects on trying to mesh professional success with indigenous values while navigating the unique challenges of being one of few Native lawyers in her field.

[00:23:00 - 00:27:00] Parenting Teenagers with Wisdom and Calm

The hosts discuss how being older parents has made them calmer and more knowledgeable about child development. Sheri shares how she talks to her children like “little adults” and focuses on explaining the “why” behind expectations rather than demanding blind obedience, despite family members’ differing opinions.

[00:27:00 - 00:31:00] Living Multi-Generationally

Sheri describes the benefits and challenges of having her father and auntie live with her family until recently. While having elders present provided additional support and connection for her daughters, it also created tension when educational approaches to parenting conflicted with traditional values.

[00:31:00 - 00:35:00] Knowledge, Power, and Perimenopause

The conversation touches on how education and reading about child development has empowered their parenting choices. Sheri shares her commitment to normalizing experiences like perimenopause by openly discussing her estrogen patch changes with her 13-year-old daughter, contrasting sharply with the silence of previous generations.

THE CULTURAL DIVIDE

Indigenous vs. Mainstream Values:

Sheri navigates two distinct cultural frameworks that sometimes conflict:

• Tribal community expectations: Children present at work, communal parenting, bringing babies to professional settings, elder respect as top priority

• Legal field/mainstream expectations: Traditional work-life boundaries, nuclear family structures, individual achievement focus

• Her approach: Intentionally seeking employers who honor indigenous values while maintaining professional excellence

Impact on Parenting:

• More support systems but also more opinions and potential conflicts

• Richer cultural foundation but additional pressure to honor multiple value systems

• Greater flexibility in some areas but heightened expectations in others

THE GENERATIONAL EXPERIENCE

What’s Different for Older Parents:

Energy and stamina:

• Going to bed at 9pm during perimenopause while parenting teens

• Contrasting with memories of parents who were vibrant at similar ages

• Physical realities of aging while children are still dependent

Generational gaps:

• Three-generation gap between parents and children versus one-generation with younger parents

• Different technological fluency and cultural references

• Grandparents who are seniors rather than active middle-aged adults

Knowledge and pressure:

• More education about child development creates higher standards

• Greater awareness of potential challenges leads to more worry

• Professional privilege removes “excuses” for parenting struggles

KEY QUOTES

“My number one value was to be a good relative. And it wasn’t just parenting, but it was like to be a good niece, to be a good auntie, to be a good, all of these things.” -- Sheri

“I have all the things, if you will, so it’s a lot of pressure to do it if you have like I have no excuses type of thing.” -- Sheri

“Bringing your child to work isn’t that strange or awkward. And they have a breastfeeding policy that you can bring your baby to work for the first year.” -- Sheri (describing tribal workplace culture)

“The version of Jenny that would’ve had a child in her twenties would not have been the same version that is raising a child today. I was much easier to fly off the handle and like, yes, my anxiety was out of control.” -- Jenny

PRACTICAL TAKEAWAYS

For Middle-Aged Mothers:

• Recognize that having more knowledge and resources can actually increase parental pressure - practice self-compassion

• Seek employers or create work situations that align with your core values around family

• Be intentional about normalizing life experiences (menopause, aging) with your children

• Consider the benefits of multi-generational support systems when possible

• Remember that being calmer and wiser as an older parent is a real advantage

For Employers and Organizations:

• Consider implementing family-friendly policies that support working parents across cultures

• Recognize that elder care is as important as childcare for many families

• Create flexible work arrangements that don’t penalize employees for meeting family needs

• Understand that supporting the whole person creates more committed, effective employees

For Partners and Family Members:

• Active, hands-on co-parenting can dramatically reduce pressure on mothers

• Respect different parenting philosophies even when they conflict with traditional approaches

• Offer support without judgment, especially when parenting approaches differ across generations

• Recognize the unique challenges of the sandwich generation caring for both children and aging parents

For Everyone:

• Challenge the myth that parents should raise children completely independently

• Recognize that different cultural approaches to parenting have valuable lessons

• Support older parents who may be navigating unique generational and energy challenges

• Understand that knowledge is power - education about child development and aging can transform parenting

RESOURCES MENTIONED

Cultural Concepts:

• Indigenous communal parenting practices

• Multi-generational living arrangements

• Elder respect and care as central cultural values

Professional Context:

• Child welfare field

• Tribal court systems and tribal employment

• Legal careers and indigenous representation

Important Statistics:

• Average life expectancy in some tribal communities: approximately 52 years

• 2023 milestone: More women over 40 gave birth than teenagers for the first time in U.S. history

Upcoming Content:

• Shelley’s workshop: “From Guilt to Grace”

• Future episode planned: interviewing teenagers of older parents

CALL TO ACTION

• Share this episode with anyone navigating cultural identity and parenthood

• If you’re part of a marginalized community balancing multiple cultural expectations, know you’re not alone

• Subscribe and leave reviews to spread awareness about diverse parenting experiences

• Email: [email protected]

Remember: Our community is stronger and better because you are in it. You belong here exactly as you are.

Get full access to Middle-Aged Mama Drama at shelleybee.substack.com/subscribe