For the love of god, someone teach these children language arts. This week, Ron stuffs his face; Harry loses his temper (again … and again); the twins recruit some freelancers; Mondays are the worst; Snape teaches kids to make Xanax; and Umbridge is just as bad as we suspected she would be. Plus: We get into the weeds on education policy! We promise it's scintillating.

This week's chapters: The Sorting Hat's New Song & Professor Umbridge

Next week's chapters: Detention with Dolores & Percy and Padfoot