THIS JUST IN: Illegal baby bartering at Walmart proves that white trash babies are more valuable than any other babies. Except for slave babies, who will give you a lifetime of benefits. If you want a useless meth baby, however, just go to Walmart and look for the drugged out mullet champ holding a $25 dollar baby. Can you say rollback?

Katy Olson's babies are soon to be famous for inventing the breast bong. Milk in shot form is the best kind of milk. Other than tittie milk. An unbeatable combination!

Today Danny Lobell continued to amaze the universe with his idiocy. "Commence" does not mean "to end". I might be getting ahead of myself here, but I THINK it means the opposite...can we get confirmation?

Then Chris Iacono's hateful existence reached new heights. He hates hard tacos. Michael Ian Black, our call-in guest, was so offended by this that he hung up. A dial tone is truly the best reaction to this blasphemy.

Michael Ian Black hides his career from his children. Because if they find out what he does, they'll probably also find out about his other, far superior, secret family.

Why on earth did Jordon Ferber get a B.A. in liberal arts? It doesn't matter because his girlfriend is a solid ten. Black models and short pocket Jews can have true love, somehow. Lucky bastard.

As usual, Chris tried to prove to someone (is anyone listening?) that he can get hot chicks too. Intern Allison was forced to go into the studio to crush his daydreams. Also known as lies.