Alicia reveals to Rohini that she felt completely blindsided by Mateo's unhappiness in their relationship. She blames Mateo and struggles to examine her own role in the status of the relationship. Rohini helps Alicia to let go of judgments that create the experience of shame for her so she can peel back the layers of denial and see how her reactivity has been pushing Mateo away. 

With her guard down, Alicia begins to explore her inner experience and how her own emotions, not Mateo's, can give her warning signals regarding her state of mind, and her need to take care of herself when her mood drops. Rohini explains how having the understanding that our internal experience is created from within, doesn't mean behaviors can't change, but shifts in behavior result from internal shifts in understanding and are much more likely when there is goodwill in the relationship. 

Alicia experiences greater freedom when she realizes she is not responsible for what Mateo is feeling. If she can stop working so hard trying not upset him, she'll reduce the resentment that has built up from all that hard work not going anywhere. By realizing she's not responsible, she can eliminate the feeling of walking on eggshells, and contribute to creating a feeling of goodwill in the relationship. Not feeling guilty and responsible, leaves a person feeling more open-hearted.

This episode explores:

• A shift in understanding is necessary for behavioral change.
• It is okay to be on the learning curve of navigating difficult emotions.
• Self-care is the first priority when experiencing upset.
• We all live in separate realities - life looks different through our separate lenses
• Seeing psychological innocence in others helps reduce blame and resentment. We are all only ever doing our best given how we see things.
• Shifting the focus from blame to seeing the role of state of mind in relationships.

Show notes
Tenderization: A new coaching term Angus has created to describe one's guard coming down.
Hot potato: A party game that involves players gathering in a circle and tossing a small object such as a beanbag or even a real potato to each other while music plays. The player who is holding the object when the music stops is eliminated.
Carte blanche: Complete freedom to act as one wishes or thinks best.
Teflon: A brand of non-stick pans, i.e. being immune to someone else's reactivity.

Podcast music
Rewilding Love features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles based Master drummer, multi-instrumentalist, and composer Greg Ellis, born and raised in the Bay Area. Episode 6 includes selections from: Violet/Balance; Blue/Calm; Orange/Nourishment; Yellow/Clarity.

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Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: TheRewilders.org.