Key Learning Points:

1.How surrogacy works in the UK and the misconception surrounding the process

2.The emotional challenges sometimes faced by men looking to take parental leave

3.How workplaces can support working parents through the surrogacy process

In this episode of the The Parenthood Diaries, we speak to Ash Daniells, an Associate Solicitor at RPC with insurance experience through his specialism in professional indemnity and financial services dispute resolution, and father to his 9-month-old son Billy.

A big thanks to our series partners, Genasys and The Camelot Network, for enabling this to happen!

We begin by talking to Ash about his surrogacy journey and how he and his husband started looking into becoming parents via adoption or surrogacy. He admits that he did not know much about the surrogacy process and thought it was ‘only for the rich and famous’. Fortunately, they had a friend who had been through the process to recommend information and resources.

In the UK surrogacy isn’t legally binding and is based on friendship. This meant that Ash and his husband had to get to know their surrogate, Kirsty, very well to ensure that they all saw eye to eye – a process they enjoyed and has led to them maintaining a solid friendship since. He explains that in the UK a surrogate is not allowed to make a profit, so the surrogates are typically doing it to be able to give the gift of a child to someone else. Ash tells us that there is still a lot of stigma and misinformation surrounding surrogacy in the UK; many people assume that the surrogates are being mistreated or ask questions such as whether they are worried that the surrogate will run off with the baby, as most people’s perceptions of surrogacy still comes from sensationalised TV dramas.

We then move on to talk about the birth and the experience of taking Billy home. In the UK, when a child is born via a surrogate then it is the surrogate’s name, and the surrogate’s husband if they have one, that is written on the birth certificate at first. The parents can then apply for parental responsibility between 6 weeks and 6 months after the child’s birth. Ash explains the process of being assessed by a member of CAFCASS to ensure that the surrogacy was done fairly and recalls their day in court - a day he found enjoyable as it meant Billy was now legally their child.

Finally, we discuss how Ash has been supported by his employer throughout. He recalls being nervous to tell his workplace that he was going to have a child as he felt that as a man, they wouldn’t expect it in the way they would have for a woman. That was not the case, however, as his colleagues were very supportive and not surprised at all, saying that he was ‘the biggest family man they had ever met’.

Because surrogacy is still relatively new in the UK and does not have its own plan for parental leave, Ash had to take something called ‘adoption leave’. There are some aspects of this plan that differ from normal parental leave such as not being able to take time off before the birth to get things ready. Fortunately, RPC were very supportive, working with his feedback and allowing him time off beforehand. He explains how his decision to take 12 months off work to be with Billy was daunting and his imposter syndrome returned as he worried he would lose the relationship that he had built with his clients. In reality, he has even been recently promoted whilst off work, a fact that he says shows how much RPC values their employees and supports those taking parental leave.

When we ask what advice he would give to listeners to end the episode, Ash cites the importance of strong communication between parents about how they will share the caring responsibilities. He also emphasises the importance of good communication with your manager when returning to work so they can ease you back into things whilst giving you enough responsibility.