Tell me I'm not alone. I can't be the only parent that feels like they're going head-to-head with their strong-willed child EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  I thought parenthood would be a series of one Hallmark moment after another. Instead, it's one power struggle after another.  A battle of wills.

I don't know about you, but I am tired of the power struggles.  I want peace and happiness in my home.  I want to be able to make it through a bedtime routine, homework, or chores without feeling like I have to suit up for battle.

That's why I interviewed one of the best therapists around, Jeff Tesch.  Jeff has a proven strategy for quickly diffusing power struggles.  He teaches all his clients this strategy, uses it with his six kids, and has used it with the twenty-nine different foster kids who have come through his home.  This man knows what he's talking about!

Go here if you'd like some ideas on how to AVOID power struggles!

LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW

JEFF TESCH, LMFT

What You Need to Know First

I don't think it's uncommon to see a power struggle between parents and children. I think it's a natural part of interactions in between us and our kids.  However, I don't think power struggles need to be long and hard. You can learn how to move through them pretty quickly, while teaching our kids a lot of important skills through that process.

It is very normal and healthy for our kids to express their will.  It’s our job to b their coach and teach them how to express their will at appropriate times and in appropriate ways.

Why You Need to Diffuse Power Struggles Quickly

Even though power struggles are normal, I do want you to be aware that the longer you ENGAGE in a power struggle, the worse it will be for both you and your child.  Your emotions will escalate, everyone will become more upset, and everyone can feel worse after.

What Causes a Power Struggle

I believe is simply a struggle between two wills, yours and your child’s.

For example:

It’s bedtime. You need to get your kids in bed. It's important for them to get their sleep. You feel strongly about it. So that's a strong will.

On the other hand, your child REALLY wants to stay up, finish their game, keep playing, etc.  They begin to express that while you’re still telling them they need to get ready for bed. Now you have a battle of two wills and a power struggle.

How Do I Know If I’m In a Power Struggle?

I think as soon as it starts to feel like you’re going back and forth with your child.  You’re defending your position and they’re defending theirs.

You may also feel like the conversation isn’t getting you anywhere or that emotions are now starting to get triggered.

I like to call it tug of war.  Imagine a rope, you’re holding one end, your child is holding the other.  When you express your will, you’re tugging on your side of the rope. When they’re expressing their will, they’re tugging on their side of the rope.  Anytime you feel that you are engaging in a “tug of war” with your child, you’re in a power struggle.

Note: Anytime you are in a power struggle, you are going to want to find a way to stop it as fast as possible.  A power struggle is a lose-lose situation. Once again, learn how to avoid a power struggle here and keep reading below to learn how to quickly diffuse one.

How To Diffuse a Power Struggle

Step #1 Drop your side of the rope

The first step is recognition that your in a power struggle then stopping or dropping your side of the rope.  Sometimes our kids want us to engage in a power struggle. In our example earlier, if a child is avoiding bedtime, they know that they can stay up later if they get you to play “tug of war” with them.

Here are some things you can say to drop your side of the rope…...