Once, when I was 16 or 17 years old, I got up the guts to tell my mom "No" right to her face...once.

Holy moly, if only that were the case for us as parents of sassy, spirited, and strong-willed kids!  My kids were born with the word "No" on the tip of their tongues, just waiting to be used daily.  Many times daily.  Defiance is honestly one of the things that wears me out the most.  When I hear my kids get up in the morning, one of my first thoughts is "I can't do another day of defiance."

I don't want to feel that way any more and I don't want any of you to feel that way either.  Because of that, I am over the moon about today's episode!

Alan Brooks, LMFT gives us not only one way to respond to defiance, or two ways, he gives us SEVEN different ways for you to choose from! After you listen to this episode, you won't wonder what to do in a defiant situation, you'll wonder what you did before this podcast.

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Alan Brooks, LMFT

What you need to know about defiance

Kids are trying to to understand their world and what's going on.  They’re trying to make sense of rules and boundaries. Like most of us, they want control. They want power. They want to be in charge and that's hard. They want to be understood and have a voice.

The trouble is we can't let a three year old or even a thirteen year old fully be in charge.

But I want everyone to understand that defiance is not a sign of dysfunction or even a sign that your child will grow up to be defiant.  Rather defiance is a normal part of every child’s development. It's how they start to test the world around them, to see what their boundaries are. It's the way that they are voicing the feelings and the thoughts that they're having because they haven't learned anything else yet.

Use defiance as a teaching moment

In situations where your child is defiant, you have a really good opportunity to teach and model healthy ways for them to get what they want/need.  Even though it may feel negative, you can turn it into a positive so that by the time that they're eighteen and gone, they've got some really great tools.  

In the meantime, I want to give you seven solutions to help you handle defiance in a healthy way.

Re-frame how you see defiance

Here’s a quote that I really like:

“Toddler defiance is just a sign of healthy development.”  

This is so true.  You're going to have some defiance. In fact, you want that. You want kids to be independent. You want them to be curious and capable and inquisitive.  You don't want to raise little robots. You don't want to raise push overs that don’t have a voice and can't stand up for anything. Let's let them be strong. Celebrate that.

Solution #1 Childproofing

I still remember 20 years ago going to Thanksgiving on the east coast to a great grandma’s house.  Her house was not kid friendly. I spent two days chasing my toddler around telling him “No”, “You can't touch that”, and “You can't do that!” It was miserable for him and for me. So just do what you can to make your home and your surroundings as kid friendly as possible.

Also, maybe look at the things that caused defiant behavior in the past and eliminate those things. If treats are an issue, maybe decrease the amount of treats you have in the home.  If electronics are an issue, maybe invest in a device that controls how much electronic time each child can have per day.

Really look at what triggers defiance and see if you can’t eliminate some of it to make everyone happier.

Solution #2 Fortify your child

What does that mean?  Again we're talking preventative here, but a child will not behave well if they do not feel well.  If you want your child to be less defiant it’s good to pay attention to their basic needs. I use the acronym H.A.