If you have a child that does NOT like the word "NO" then you'll want to give this episode a listen.  This is the last episode in this month's series "Emotional Life Skills for the Strong Willed Child" and will help you know how to respond to kids who may whine, complain, or throw a fit when you tell them "No".  Clinical mental health counselor, Mike Fitch shares his best tips for handling this issue.

 

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Mike Fitch, CMHC

Tip #1: Be Aware of The Reality

Kids aren’t really thinking about their behavior.  When they don’t get want they want, they instinctively yell or cry for what they want.  Saying NO can be a catalyst for a power struggle or some whining.  Our kids simply don't like to hear the word "NO".  Especially when they really want something.  We feel the same way as adults.  When we get our mind set on something we want or think we need, it's hard for US to hear the word no.

Also, there will be times in your children’s life when the word "no" is more of an issue than other times.  Here are some specific ages.

Age 2-3

Teens

Just know that there is no quick fix for this.  It will most likely be a lifetime issue.  However, use the follow tips to minimize the negative effects of saying "NO".

Tip #2: Ask yourself "Do I really need to say no?"

There are ABSOLUTELY times that you NEED to say "NO"!  We don't want you to think this tip is teaching you to say "yes" all the time.  You are not customer service trying to keep clients happy.  Rather, you are the authority in your house and get to say "No" when appropriate.

However, have you ever said "no" to your child when the answer really could have been:

"Not now"

"Sure. But only when your chores are done."

"Let me think about it for a little while."

If our kids are constantly being told "No" it can increase their frustration when we say it.  See if there are times you can say something different that might help you avoid a power struggle or metldown.

Tip #3: Make note of what your child is asking you for

One of the biggest issues we hear from parents of strong-willed children is that they can't find a consequence that will work for their child.  If you pay attention to what your children are asking you for, they will tell you which things they care about.  If your child is frequently asking to play Mine Craft, you now know that loosing the privilege of playing Mine Craft might be a consequence that would motivate your child.  It sounds mean saying it, but your kids are giving you hints about what WILL work for them.

Tip #4 : Get clear in your own mind and with your family about what things you will say "No" to

You do get to have family rules.  You don’t have to negotiate with your child.  Instead, sit with your family to come up with family rules and routines.  After you've made family rules and routines if your child asks for something that would break a family rule or routine you don't have to say "No" instead your get to say:

"What is our family rule about that?" OR "You know we don't play video games before chores."

The family rules and routines get to be the bad guys!  Isn't that awesome!

So get clear with everyone in the family what the rules and routines are.

Here's some examples:

Rule: We only have one treat a day

Routine: Homework time starts at 5:30 pm

Rule: We don't buy treats at the grocery store if anyone asks for them.  Rather, mom can choose to buy a treat if everyone is good.

Routine: We start bedtime routine every night at 7:00 pm

To learn how routines can help you avoid power struggles, go here.

Tip #5: Walk Away

If the child is really upset that you said no, saying more will make it worse.