Research shows that one of the best ways to train a child out of a negative behavior is to give the child an appropriate consequence when they use inappropriate behaviors. But what do you do if no consequence seems to work?! This is not an uncommon scenario for parents of strong-willed kids. Today, we again interview two therapists Stephanie Carbajal, LCSW and Mike Fitch, CMHC to ask what they tell their clients who are having a hard time finding an effective consequence. 

What to do when no consequence or discipline seems to work for your child. 8 parenting tips from child therapists

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EIGHT Things to Try When No Consequence Seems to Work

1. Know that you are not alone:

This isn't really something to try, but something that's just a relief to know.  There are many parents who are struggling to find an effective consequence for their child.  You are not alone.  Strong-willed children are a joy and a challenge to raise.  One of those challenges is finding something that does work for your child.

NOTE:  If you have child with anxiety, depression, or trauma they may not respond as well to consequences.  We recommend you try the ideas below.  If you continue to not see change, we suggest you seek a competent professional's to help you and your family.

2. Customize consequences to your specific child.

Discipline is not a one size fits all. Each child is born with different strengths, weaknesses, temperaments, and motivations.  Therefore, you will need to customize your approach with each child.  The process of customizing does include some trial and error.  That can feel really frustrating and take some time.  However, if you stick with the process, you will eventually find something that works.

Parenting tip: When testing out different consequences, you need to try it CONSISTENTLY and for at least a couple of weeks before you adjust a try something different.  Read more about that in #6.

3. Try some rewards, but not the typical reward you're thinking of.

Sometimes when we're working on extinguishing negative behaviors, we get too focused on ONLY negative behaviors.  If a child feels like their parents don't see any good in them, it can lead to more negative behaviors.  Our kids need us to tell them what they are doing well.  Do a quick self-evaluation.  Are you pointing out at least 5-10 things each of your kids do well each day?

If not, here's what we suggest:

NOTE: For a full podcast episode on this topic click here.

Get a small mason jar or clear cup for each child in the family (you may want to label each jar)

Get some craft fuzzies

When your child does something positive follow these steps:

Say the child's name

Tell them SPECIFICALLY what they did that was positive

Ask them how they FELT when they did that positive thing (for really little kids, you may need to just tell them)

Put a fuzzy in the jar

When the fuzzy is full, the child earns a "Relationship Reward".  A relationship reward is a special activity for the parent and child to do together.  It's purpose is to help the child feel special to you and connected to you. An example might be having a picnic on the floor with your child's favorite dinner or letting the child stay up late to play games with you.

4. Try at home play therapy to help your child feel more connected to you.

Children generally behave better when they feel connected to their parents.   At home play therapy is a heavily researched way to connect deeply and quickly with our kids of ALL ages.

Here's a quick overview of how to do at home play therapy:

For twenty minutes a couple of times a week, go somewhere in the house with your child where...