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I don't know how many of us want to be taking full responsibility for our children well into adulthood.  Caring for them while they're young is hard enough.  But did you know that preparing your kids to move out, get jobs, and become independent adults starts when they are little?  Did you also know there are some things we can do as parents to sabotage our children's ability to become capable adults?  Learn which four mistakes you need to avoid if you want your kids to take care of themselves one day.

Jeff Tesch, LMFT

What does an independent and healthy adult look like?

Takes ownership for their life

Understands that consequences are a result of their choices.  This understanding leads them to be careful and intentional about their choices so they can have positive consequences instead of negative ones.

Gainfully employed

Continually seeks to improve themselves

Lives on their own

Is capable of managing a home, finances, and relationships

Takes pride in their work

Has the strength to handle the difficulties of adult life

What I'm seeing in my office

I am seeing more and more clients who desperately want their children to become independent adults, move out, get jobs, contribute to society, and feel pride in their ability to be capable of providing for themselves.

Yet, they are frustrated because their children are:

Still living at home

Not earning an income for themselves

Not motivated to pay their own bills, clean their own space, or contribute to the household

Afraid of becoming an adult

Avoiding the responsibility of caring for themselves

Spending all their time and money on recreation

Here are some real examples of situations that I see:

Example One:A client who has a child in his forties who doesn't have a job so my client pays this child's mortgage, does his grocery shopping, buys his clothing, and does his laundry.  My client is getting ready to retire and is worried that her retirement will not be enough to support her AND her son.

Example Two:A client who did her son's homework when he was in high school, pays his speeding tickets, bails him out when he gets in trouble with the law, pays the majority of his bills and cares for many of his needs even though he is into his late twenties.  The client is frustrated that her son isn't more motivated to take responsibility for himself.

Example Three:A client whose 25 year old sleeps all day, plays video games all night, emerges from the basement for food from time to time, quits every job he starts, tried college for a semester then quit, and now struggles with severe depression.  This mom wants her child to move forward with life, but doesn't want to make him move out because she's afraid of what will happen to him. 

Why this is a concern

Kids who do not learn how to be independent adults struggle with their sense of self-worth, do not contribute to society, and become a source of stress for their parents.

Very few parents intend for this to happen

Many of the parents I see in my office never intended for their children to stay at home forever.  They really do want their kids to be thriving adults.  However, they didn't realize that many of the things they did for their child out of LOVE actually made it more difficult for their child to become an independent adult.

THE FOUR PARENTING MISTAKES TO AVOID

Mistake #1 Not Teaching Responsibility

It is important that kids learn how to be responsible for their:

Own choices

Relationships

Belongings

Own happiness

Finances

And to learn how to work hard.