Kick It with Donna V. episode 10

Narcissism Anyone?

Did you know that narcissistic personality disorder affects an estimated 1 percent of the general population? It sure seems like more than that are affected. At least it feels that way when you are married to one. A pre-warning. This is not an ex-husband bashing.

I lived with it for twenty- seven years. How many of you are living with it? Are you married to one? Do you have a sibling with it? A parent? A friend? Whoever it is, you are not crazy! You are not the one with the issue. You are just the unlucky recipient. So, what are your choices? Continue to stay because you are afraid to leave. Leave because you do want to be free from it.

My goal today is to help you understand what narcissism is and how it affects your well-being. Living with it for as long as I did makes me somewhat of an expert because of my life experience. To be honest, I never that there was something wrong with me. I felt that there was something wrong with him, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. The things that he did and said were hurtful and made for a very rough family dynamic for me and our two kids.

It took me many years to understand that my ex was a narcissist. There were issues in our marriage that could never be resolved because of it. I stood by and watched him bully our kids and me too, now that I think about it. We fought over it many times to no avail. I suggested we go to a marriage counselor to help us out. He refused because he was never wrong. The issues in our marriage resulted in a divorce. I was dating someone who took a few night classes. One of his classes was on psychology. He had a study sheet on narcissism. He said, “this is your ex-husband.” As I read it, I realized he was right. Hindsight is a beautiful thing.

When you’re in something that is messed up, you are too close to the fire to have any objectivity. When you remove yourself from it, you start to see the light. A few years later, I was taking a trip to New York and bought a book called Assholes, A Theory by Aaron James. No, this was not a picture book of people’s assholes. Instead, it was a book about placing assholes into different categories. The first category was narcissism. Little did I know that on my trip to New York I would be reading about my ex-husband! I learned so much and it all finally made sense.

Through Wikipedia, I found the following. What is the definition of narcissism and where did the term come from? Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s own abilities. The term originated from Greek mythology where the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. The psychological definition is extreme selfishness with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration. It gets more interesting with the synonyms. Vanity, self-love, self-admiration, self-absorption, self-obsession, conceit, self-centeredness, self-regard and egotism. As you can see, a lot of “selfs” in there.

There are traits and signs of narcissism that some narcissists have some or all of:

1. Self-focus in interpersonal relationships

2. Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships

3. Lack of psychological awareness

4. Difficulty with empathy

5. Problems distinguishing self from others

6. Hypersensitivity to all insults or imagined insults

7. Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt

8. Haughty body language

9. Flattery to people who admire or affirm them

10. Detesting those who do not admire them

11. Using other people without considering the cost of doing so

12. Pretending to be more important than they think they are

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