The Best We Could: A Parenting Manual for Our Kids

Episode 14: Nuances about kids and holiday visit behavior – for kids and adults


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On this episode, we discuss the nuances about kids, holiday visits, and behavior. It is the day after Black Friday here in the United States, and this is an interesting time of year, because at this time of year, we tend to go visit different family, friends, and relatives. It’s a little bit different for us because. We live across the country from where we grew up, both, both my wife and I, are just completely across the country from our folks, which means that our visits are very different from when we used to live there.
Summary and Notes

[00:01:40] – Change in behavior depending on who you are around
[00:04:56] – Children’s observation of their parents change in behavior
[00:08:33] – Upfront agreement, how everyone is expected to behave
[00:11:23] – Negotiating the expectations of behavior
[00:18:46] – Physical proximity does not equal closeness
Quotes from the Episode
“It’s hard to say that mommy or daddy behaves differently around these people because this is how we, we’re conditioned to them as we grew up and now, even though we’re adults, full-grown adults, we still act differently around this person or this person because that is the role that we have cast ourselves to play.” [00:06:15]
“Seeing that we as parents are also subject to the rules that we put forth, I think is very important for them to.” [00:10:31]
“I realized that if I wasn’t important enough to get to know, for them to get to know me, then ultimately, I was making an investment in a relationship that would only go one way. And when you give too much without gaining anything in return, then you ha you end up in debt.” [00:20:04]
“Showing an interest in someone is an investment that costs you nothing. It literally costs nothing to take an interest in a relative and a friend and a coworker in a colleague.” [00:20:50]
Transcript continues below:
And what I find is interesting is that, I moved away permanently pretty much when I was 25. And so I had a good amount of exposure to family holidays from the time I was born up until I was 25. And then for the next almost two decades at this point, the holiday season has been spent either with just my wife and kids, or maybe with some, some friends that we have over here as well, who will invite us over for their family events.
The reason that I think that this contrast is important is because what I’ve noticed is that when I was around family members, I would, my behavior would sometimes change depending on what family members I was around. So, for instance, when I went over one set of grandparents house. I found myself behaving differently than when I was over a different set of grandparents house, even though I was a fully grown adult at that time.
And the interesting point to me was that this behavior was completely, or the change in behavior between the grandparents was something that was completely invisible to me until I moved away and did the work to kind of think about that. Because it’s something that comes so naturally, I think to us that we’re not even aware of it, where it’s, it’s something that other people might see us do, but we don’t see ourselves do.
And what’s interesting is when you kind of move as a family unit around to these various holiday functions, and you’re going to visit people, especially if you. Grew up in the same area as as your spouse, then they may not see it as well. It might be invisible to them as well. Why this is important and why I want to point it out is because when, what I, what I have noticed is that when we have gone back at the holiday season or to go visit, my children’s grandparents now or so, my parents and my wife’s parents in the past.
My kids specifically, , the boy who’s older has noticed a change in behavior depending on which ...
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The Best We Could: A Parenting Manual for Our KidsBy The Best We Could: A Parenting Manual for Our Kids