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Episode 15: Communication Skills
For communication to go well:
1. Capacity - Each person needs to have the time, space, energy, & privacy needed to be present, attuned, engaged, regulated,
& able to self soothe.
2. Having clarity of intention – is this about increasing intimacy through shared vulnerability; is it about addressing
differences/pragmatics, is it about asserting boundaries, asking for pragmatic help of needing space for venting or repairing or resolving
prior hot button issues?
3. Being open to outcome, pacing, & the idea of “chunking”
4. Lack of internal conflict is best or at least...
5. Clarity that an inner conflict exists (on one hand & on the other)
6. Keep it simple - “CLEAR IS KIND” or 3 Fs -facts, feelings, fair request
7. Avoid polarizing statements like “you make me feel….”.
8. Lead with questions that start with what or how NOT why.
9. Avoid extremes like you always or you never.
10. Knowing your core truth is essential – trusting your gut, staying stuck in your head, or being led by your emotions/heart can make
it hard to stay grounded.
11. Check your energy – speak from a place of personal power not circumstantial power - that you borrow or manufacture. Personal responsibility &
accountability is more skillful than offsetting to excuses, reasons, or others.
12. Avoid reaching, pushing, chasing, protesting, shame, blame, criticism, or contempt.
13. You can say the “right” words but if the expression is NOT electroneutral – & carries a zing or energetic charge, the message has less chance of landing well.
14. In fact, it will likely trigger defensive parts in the other person & communication will devolve into a defensive part to defensive part battle.
15. Approach conversations with a “win - win” attitude versus a power over or power under strategy.
16. Call a time out/pause when one or both people can no longer stay centered or regulated. The one who needs the time out (most likely the
person who is least comfortable with conflict) needs to confirm an approximate time/place to return to the conversation out of respect for the other (not
leaving them hanging & anxious).
17. If overwhelm builds, ask for what you need to stay present (lower voices, sitting together, movement, holding hands).
18. Or notice & name that the dynamic is going off track & invite the other to course correct with you. Do this once, not repeatedly. It is not dignifying or respectful to yourself to beg, plead, or chase.
SUMMARY
Being able to self regulate, self reflect, self soothe is a good building block to brining your best self to relationship dynamics. Wholehearted communication is clear, kind, & truthful and absent of power dynamics. It’s best to honor you & honor them & allow the outcome to unfold.
Your ability to navigate, negotiate, & connect in relationships can profoundly affect how you feel about yourself, others, & the world. If you would like support in growing this skillset I invite you to reach out to reset.
RESOURCES
For additional hep, consider:
Book: Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg
Website: https://www.cnvc.org/
#resetwithrenee
#coach #naturalstatetherapist #showmestatetherapist #reachouttoreset #healingversuscoping
#howtohuman
#cptsd #generational
#transformnottransmit #cptsdrecovery #cptsdhelaing #traumahealing
#ifstherapist
#ifscoach
#emotionalintelligence
#relationalintelligence #relationshiptips
#mentalhealth
#wellbeing
#relationships
#rupturerepair #intimacy
#acceptance
#compassion #communication #capacity
#selfregulation
#selfawareness #selfreflection #selfleadership #selfhealing #selfsoothing
#selfnurturing
View all episodes
By Reset With ReneeFor communication to go well:
1. Capacity - Each person needs to have the time, space, energy, & privacy needed to be present, attuned, engaged, regulated,
& able to self soothe.
2. Having clarity of intention – is this about increasing intimacy through shared vulnerability; is it about addressing
differences/pragmatics, is it about asserting boundaries, asking for pragmatic help of needing space for venting or repairing or resolving
prior hot button issues?
3. Being open to outcome, pacing, & the idea of “chunking”
4. Lack of internal conflict is best or at least...
5. Clarity that an inner conflict exists (on one hand & on the other)
6. Keep it simple - “CLEAR IS KIND” or 3 Fs -facts, feelings, fair request
7. Avoid polarizing statements like “you make me feel….”.
8. Lead with questions that start with what or how NOT why.
9. Avoid extremes like you always or you never.
10. Knowing your core truth is essential – trusting your gut, staying stuck in your head, or being led by your emotions/heart can make
it hard to stay grounded.
11. Check your energy – speak from a place of personal power not circumstantial power - that you borrow or manufacture. Personal responsibility &
accountability is more skillful than offsetting to excuses, reasons, or others.
12. Avoid reaching, pushing, chasing, protesting, shame, blame, criticism, or contempt.
13. You can say the “right” words but if the expression is NOT electroneutral – & carries a zing or energetic charge, the message has less chance of landing well.
14. In fact, it will likely trigger defensive parts in the other person & communication will devolve into a defensive part to defensive part battle.
15. Approach conversations with a “win - win” attitude versus a power over or power under strategy.
16. Call a time out/pause when one or both people can no longer stay centered or regulated. The one who needs the time out (most likely the
person who is least comfortable with conflict) needs to confirm an approximate time/place to return to the conversation out of respect for the other (not
leaving them hanging & anxious).
17. If overwhelm builds, ask for what you need to stay present (lower voices, sitting together, movement, holding hands).
18. Or notice & name that the dynamic is going off track & invite the other to course correct with you. Do this once, not repeatedly. It is not dignifying or respectful to yourself to beg, plead, or chase.
SUMMARY
Being able to self regulate, self reflect, self soothe is a good building block to brining your best self to relationship dynamics. Wholehearted communication is clear, kind, & truthful and absent of power dynamics. It’s best to honor you & honor them & allow the outcome to unfold.
Your ability to navigate, negotiate, & connect in relationships can profoundly affect how you feel about yourself, others, & the world. If you would like support in growing this skillset I invite you to reach out to reset.
RESOURCES
For additional hep, consider:
Book: Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg
Website: https://www.cnvc.org/
#resetwithrenee
#coach #naturalstatetherapist #showmestatetherapist #reachouttoreset #healingversuscoping
#howtohuman
#cptsd #generational
#transformnottransmit #cptsdrecovery #cptsdhelaing #traumahealing
#ifstherapist
#ifscoach
#emotionalintelligence
#relationalintelligence #relationshiptips
#mentalhealth
#wellbeing
#relationships
#rupturerepair #intimacy
#acceptance
#compassion #communication #capacity
#selfregulation
#selfawareness #selfreflection #selfleadership #selfhealing #selfsoothing
#selfnurturing