This is “Your Impact: The Podcast” Episode 2: How to do better in relationships”, and I’m April.

Today I’m diving into Susan Gillis Chapman’s book “The five keys to mindful communication: using deep listening and mindful speech to strengthen relationships, heal conflicts and accomplish your goals”. Susan Chapman is a therapist and mindfulness teacher who developed the stoplight “we-approach” to transform our conflicts into mutual self-discovery.

What tends to happen when we get into an argument is that anything goes; whatever it takes to defend ourselves, our pride, our actions, or what we said, even if it means taking jabs back at them. When this happens we follow a domino effect of emotions triggered by fear, and when it goes too far it threatens the relationship. When you are reacting with fear, it distorts your view of the person and you replace your reality with mental projections and put yourself into the mental seat of “it is not safe to be vulnerable right now” and then you shut down.

What Susan asks us to do is to use the stoplight method. The Green Light is when the argument starts - instead of going full swing with insults, pause, pay attention, empathize with what they are saying, and then pause until you can be honest, curious and insightful with your response. This is how you genuinely protect yourself.

I recently asked my little sister to look after my apartment for a couple of weeks while I was away. During that time, I got a text saying that my apartment had a small flood. This is the green light, but because I felt so afraid of what was happening to my apartment and felt helpless, I went straight to yellow and red.

The Yellow Light is giving yourself power to not make things worse. Susan says that this is the moment where as soon as the other person opens up, we can feel a bubbling of anxiety coming up within us and then we can quickly lose sight of what is actually happening, and go straight to mental storylines of how worse it could possibly get, and project my own fears and thoughts. To recognize this, you need to pause. Then acknowledge where your mind is going, and then return to the conversation.

Initially, and honestly, I sent paragraph messages about how she could be so dumb to do that, and to clean it up asap, and there were multiple back-and-forths. But then I paused. I paused realizing that this was her first time living alone, and then I remembered how many mistakes I made my first year living by myself. Only when I became open and more receptive to what she was telling me and not in a blind rage, was when I found out that the flood didn’t even exist during our conversation. She had already cleaned it up before she told me, and just wanted to let me know what had happened.

The Red Light is that blind rage and often what snaps us out of it and puts us in yellow, is the pause. It is the quick exit from the momentum of the argument, to reconnect with the present moment.

What the We-approach means is that under all circumstances, including conflict, we must remain open and maintain respect for the person we are communicating with.

If I wanted to decimate the relationship, I would’ve continued running through the red light, until something I said crashed and burned everything. But instead I remembered that I valued our relationship and put my insecurities and pride aside to listen - to relax, and try to find a solution, together.

What Susan mentioned that will always stick with me is: if what they say about you is not true, then it is a projection of themselves.

You just listened to: Episode 2: “How to do better in relationships”. I’ll be back with new episodes every Sunday so I’ll see you there with more thoughts on how to live better and find your impact. Be well.