Scientists recently discovered that anxiety might be controlled by immune cells in our brains called microglia—not just neurons like we always thought. These cells work like competing pedals: one pushes anxiety forward, the other holds it back. Learning this didn't stop my anxiety from showing up. It just helped me recognize the pattern when it did.

Lately, my anxiety has been showing up as this pull to reach out to women from my past. Just text them. See how they're doing. Maybe reconnect. On the surface, it sounds innocent. But when I stopped and asked myself WHY—why now, why them—I found three reasons my anxiety was using these women to avoid dealing with myself.

First: I'm avoiding being lonely. Anxiety hates being alone, so it whispers, "Just text her, you won't feel so alone." But that's not connection—it's just anxiety looking for relief.

Second: I'm avoiding doing the work on myself. It's easier to focus on someone else than fix my own issues. If I'm thinking about her, I don't have to sit with my own stuff.

Third: I'm ignoring myself. When I'm focused on someone else, I don't have to pay attention to what I need or what I'm supposed to be doing with my own life.

But here's the real insight: This is the SAME anxiety that destroyed those relationships in the first place. When I was WITH them, I lost myself because I was terrified of losing THEM. I stopped going to the gym, stopped doing my artwork, tried to become who I thought they wanted. I abandoned my own life to fit into theirs. Now I want them BACK because I'm terrified of being alone. Same pattern. Same anxiety. Just wearing a different costume.

This episode is about recognizing when anxiety disguises itself as connection, how codependency and people-pleasing show up in relationships, and why we abandon ourselves trying to keep someone else. If you've ever changed who you are to keep someone around, stopped doing the things you love to spend every minute with them, or felt that pull to go back to a relationship that didn't work—this episode is for you.

In recovery, we talk a lot about staying sober, but recovery is really about recovering from life. Recovering from anxiety, trauma, patterns that keep us stuck, and the voice in our head that says we're not enough. Episode 20 explores relationship anxiety, fear of abandonment, and what it means to stay with yourself instead of losing yourself in someone else.

Key topics: anxiety and relationships, codependency, people-pleasing, fear of being alone, relationship patterns, self-abandonment, recovery from anxiety, personal growth, emotional awareness, staying true to yourself