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Not So Breakfast Show - Episode 221: Say What You Mean Without Being Mean

Ish and Sacha are live and in-person for only the third time in 222 episodes. Today's topic: how to challenge ideas and give feedback without being mean, plus how to receive that feedback without taking it personally. 

Also, the irony wasn't lost on anyone that an episode about "saying what you mean without being mean" started with Ish immediately talking shit about Hamilton.

Main Topics

• The Board Room Problem - Why New Zealand's cultural tendency to avoid conflict means we don't say what we think because we're worried about upsetting people, and how this confusion between supporting the person versus supporting their idea kills good decision-making
• Context is King - Setting up conversations properly by clarifying what type of feedback you want: "I'm only at 20% and want gentle guidance" versus "I need you to tell me everything that's wrong with this"
• Beyond the Shit Sandwich - Why the CRC model (commend, recommend, commend) actually makes feedback less effective, and how some people go overboard with the "CCCCCRCCC" approach where the critical part gets completely buried
• Creating Feedback Culture - Starting from day one by asking new team members how they like to receive feedback, then building regular rituals where rigorous conversation about work (not people) becomes the norm
• AI as Your Critical Friend - Using AI to transcribe meetings and ask: "What questions did we fail to consider?" and "Where has our desire to agree got in the way of high performance?"

Key Insights

• Separate the person from their idea - you can fully support someone while critiquing their project
• "We're after high performance, not harmony" should be your team's mantra
• Give presenters time to lay out their whole concept before jumping in with challenges
• Know your role: if you're always the challenger, try asking others to weigh in instead
• Prepare like they hate you, present like they love you

The Deeper Question

What's the essence of who you are when you strip away all the external stuff? Sacha shares her profound cancer journey insight about identity - if you lost your glasses, your job, even parts of your body, what core "you" remains? This separation helps you receive feedback about your work without it feeling like an attack on your worth.

Movie Recommendations Ish loved the new Brad Pitt F1 movie (action without violence!) and the latest Superman film that breaks the invincible hero trope from the opening scene.

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