Today we’re talking about a really important subject, not just for ourselves but also for our children and the example we’re setting for them. In this episode, we discuss over-apologizing; the way in which people say “I’m sorry” when it’s stated reflexively and not as a sincere apology. We chat about the importance of apologizing when you have wronged someone, what apologies are supposed to mean, and why you shouldn’t apologize unless you really mean it. We share our thoughts on how we feel this is something that women struggle with more than men and then we breakdown a number of reasons why you may do this, how it negatively affects the way people treat you, and the challenges of breaking a habit that you may not even be aware of. Tuning in, you’ll find out how to become aware of your own unnecessary apologizing, the different contexts and reasons you may be doing this, and what you could say instead of “I’m sorry.” For all this and more, tune in for this unapologetically candid discussion!

Key Points From This Episode:

• An introduction to today’s topic of over-apologizing and why we should stop. 
• The importance of apologizing when you have wronged someone.  
• How, at the risk of stereotyping, the people who have a hard time apologizing tend to be male. 
• How apologies are supposed to mean that you won’t do it again.
• Why you shouldn’t apologize unless you mean it.
• Whether or not we’re taking away the meaning of those words by saying them too often. 
• The many reasons why we might be over-apologizing, starting with a lack of confidence.
• How some people apologize when they’re fishing for a compliment or validation. 
• How over-apologizing affects how people treat you in a negative way.
• Why over-apologizing may make you seem less capable and professional in your career.
• The challenges of breaking a habit that you’re not aware of. 
• How apologizing for behavior that doesn’t change becomes a form of gas-lighting.
• Thoughts on when not to apologize in a restaurant and what you can say instead.
• Apologizing for taking up space and how this has gotten worse since the pandemic. 
• How an unnecessary “I’m sorry” in a business context can often be replaced with “thank you.” 
• Why you shouldn’t start a phone call with an apology and what you should say instead.
• When Kelly and Megan personally use the words “I’m sorry” unnecessarily. 
• “I’m sorry” as a statement of sympathy and how this could be an attempt to redirect attention to you.  
• Homework for the week: to pay closer attention to when you say “I’m sorry” reflexively and to notice how other people respond.

Tweetables:

“If you’re one of those people who says “I’m sorry” every conversation for little things then when you really do need to apologize, it might not have the impact that you’re hoping for.” — Kelly Castillo [0:09:48]

“There’s a lot of ways that I think we teach people how to treat us and when we’re constantly apologizing preemptively or without there being anything to apologize for, it kind of gives the other people permission to walk all over us.” — Kelly Castillo [0:16:17]

“‘I’m so sorry to bother you.’ ‘It’s okay.’ What was that for? I’m really not sorry and you really don’t need to be okay with it. It’s just such a waste of time!” — Megan Block [0:34:58]

“We all just need to have more confidence in ourselves, and we all need to have more confidence in the space we’re taking and the time we take of people.” — Megan Block [0:37:57]

“The more confident and whole with ourselves we are, the less apologetic for even the smallest things.” — Megan Block [0:47:16]

Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:

Kelly Castillo