Life is inherent with loss and suffering. So how do we cope with loss when we feel like we can barely survive it?

Everyone

experiences loss whether it’s a an injury or health diagnosis that

changes the way you’re able to live your life; maybe it’s the death of a

loved one; perhaps it’s being fired, demoted, or losing out on a

promotion at work; it could be the loss of a partner through separation

or divorce;  maybe it’s the loss of the “old you” or your “old way of

living” with the birth of a baby; maybe it’s a miscarriage or not being

able to have children at all; maybe your child is born with a health

issue and the idea of a family you had expected will not come to pass;

maybe it’s a loss of your sense of safety after being assaulted or

witnessing a trauma. 

17 years ago on Wednesday February 12 2003, my brother, Brad took his own life. When I thought about what I would say about life after loss, I sought out the book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. It’s a book written by Sheryl Sandberg, after the sudden death of her husband and co-written by psychologist, Adam Grant.

When I think about life after loss, Viktor Frankl comes to mind when he says that “in some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning”.  

I have made meaning out of my brother’s death by changing my profession from a teacher to a counsellor and now have created Safe Harbour – a comfortable place where people who are struggling like my brother, myself, or my family, can receive support from a wide variety of therapeutic approaches so they can move through their suffering.  

I think one of the biggest hurdles for people is talking about their loss and for others it’s how to respond to someone who’s talking about their loss.  Let’s face it, life is hard and talking about hard topics isn’t pleasant so sometimes we want to avoid uncomfortable topics like: suicide, death, miscarriage, infertility, bankruptcy,  job loss, identity, divorce, assault, sexual orientation, addiction, incarceration, illness… but what’s really interesting to me is whenever I’ve brought up one of these topics in the past as I’ve struggled with them, is that people want to talk about their loss, too. I think it’s so relieving for both of us because we realize we aren’t alone in our pain.  The silence can be so isolating…dealing with such heavy losses on our own can feel so unbearable!  

I think it’s important to know that people want to

talk because they are trying to make sense of what has happened in their

life. The interesting thing is people who have experienced adversity

tend to express more compassion towards those suffering, especially if

they have experienced a similar loss. So when we are feeling the need to

hide our discomfort, maybe we could open up and let someone know that

we aren’t doing so good so that we can have the opportunity to

understand our feelings better, maybe even feel understood …that way we

have better chances of moving through our suffering.  

I bet you

are wondering…how do you respond to someone who starts to talk about

their pain.  The secret sauce is empathy and honesty.  Be present with

them. Acknowledge their pain. Just knowing that someone sees that you

are suffering and takes the time to be with you sends the message that

they care and that you matter.

I like how Option B

talked about how shame makes us shrink inward and if we reach inward and

remind ourselves that we can’t change what’s done but we can move

forward by changing how we treat ourselves and that is with self

compassion.

When we are struggling we need empathy but

we also need to be encouraged and empowered to remind ourselves of that

sense of agency and capacity in our lives that we experienced before

our loss.

Sometimes meaning is found in just doing small things

everyday that bring