I'm home. For the first time in 42+ years of sobriety, I can say that and mean it. I'm transparent, at ease, authentic. And that authenticity allows me to manage the anxiety - not cure it, but manage it.

For 39 years of my sobriety, I was performing. Living on the outside of who I really was. Picture a tarp thrown over your authentic self - everything real buried underneath. I lived on top of that tarp, being whoever I needed to be to survive.

I did all the work. Meetings, steps, sponsorship. But I was still lying to impress people, still disconnected from that kind, gentle, empathetic guy underneath. Because letting him out felt too vulnerable.

Three years ago, everything fell apart. My motto became "CHANGE OR DIE." I chose the fire - burned it all down. And when the smoke cleared, I learned something crucial: that tarp doesn't come off gently. It only comes off through destruction or chaos. Living through that destruction gives you the strength to finally rip it off.

Now? Service work with other alcoholics. This podcast every Tuesday. Transparency about the anxiety that still shows up, about still figuring things out after 42+ years. Being at ease with who I actually am.

The anxiety's still there. But it's not running the show anymore. I finally have my voice. And that's home.

If you're sober but still struggling, still anxious, still feeling disconnected - you're not doing it wrong. The work just goes deeper than we realize. Your authentic self might still be buried. Getting free might require destruction. But it's worth it. Because you get your voice back.

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