Some people like their cults real big and real ugly, and those people can fuck off! Hahaha, just not kidding. It’s the big one this week, folks. Scientology. The brain fart of L. Ron Hubbard, a man whose writing ability was only eclipsed by his Navy career, this multibillion-dollar jargon cesspit may finally answer the question: “What if I could be surrounded by insufferable batshit narcissists *and* bankrupt myself in the process?” The pile of elephant shit in the room goes head to head with a frankly quite refreshing little cult born from the visions of Terri Hoffman, a woman who refused to let the Dallas suburbs keep her from fighting creatures who weren’t there and protecting the government of Peru: The Center for the Conscious Development of Body, Mind, and Spirit. Got a lot on our plate here, folks. Get comfortable.